Lost Love

It’s officially over. I should be more crushed then I am. At least I feel like I should be. But it’s been over for so long, I have done my mourning. That’s not to say I don’t feel badly. I feel terrible. There are still a range of emotions, but they are tame compared to most break ups. Not that I have a lot of experience. Was it entirely his fault? Of course not. Was it entirely my fault? No. There is blame to assign all over the board. We both did things that contributed to the break down. There was a time I would have been happy to spend my life content with who we were. To watch our love grow and flourish. But it is not meant to me. Never was. I admit I did things that truly sealed our fate. I was not support of enough. That is not a pity statement; it’s one of actual fact. I distanced myself. I can be self righteous and say it was to insulate myself from the pain, but I think I had lost interest and just didn't know how to tell him. So I tried to get him to break up with me. Not a good idea for self preservation. Not that I really understood what I was doing at the time. But the signs are there in retrospect. I loved him. In a way I still do. Always will. He holds a piece of my childhood. But I haven’t been in love with him for a long time. We hit a crossroad and we went different directions. We held on to each other to keep at least one thing from changing. And now it’s over. Relationship, friendship…all of it. I mourn for the friendship. We always said we would end it before we lost that. He is not a bad person. These last few months he has gone out of his way to try and make me happy. He will make someone very happy, someday soon I hope, just not me. He hurt me and my response was to put up a wall. This was the inevitable result. And we both were hurt. I feel terrible for causing him anguish.

But this is not a pity post. This is more of a self reflection post. I have come to a place where I must honor what was right and not focus on what was wrong. There were good things. We were best friends. We trusted each other. When we were ‘on’ we complimented each other well. It was a good relationship most of the time. One to learn from and grow from. It’s wasn't perfect, but it was ours and we were happy for a time. A long time.

But there was one thing he said that stopped me in my tracks. He told me I should find my former love. That when I talk about him I speak longingly. That was enough to bring on strange and vivid dreams. I write because I am not sure what to think of the statement or the dreams. I need to process where I can see what I am saying. I long for those days in college when I lived with my friends without a care in the world; expect getting enough studying done to pass my classes. I long for the days when I lived with my best friend and could stay up all night talking about everything and nothing with her. And yes, part of me longs for how it felt to be deeply in love and be love deeply in return. At the time he was the other half I didn't know I was missing. But that was then. Now I am not sure if it’s him, or the feeling I long for. I can honestly say I have never felt like that about anyone. But I am hopeful I will. I would like to be able to say I know what happened between us and why it is no more. But I can’t. I wasn't invited to the break up. I was told about it afterwards by someone else; he didn't want to speak to me anymore because he felt he had screwed things up. We were going to road trip up the east coast together. go where the road led us, camp where the sights were beautiful. I had looked forward to it and he canceled the trip. It hurt, but I didn't yell at him. He said he was trying to protect me from spending money I didn't really have. I had never had anyone try and protect me like that. I was flattered; disappointed, but flattered. But I didn't yell and tell him he was horrible. I didn't react the way he expected me to. I threw in a wrench into his knowledge of who I was. He didn't screw up in the way he thought he had, but didn't get the chance to tell him that. And that was how that ended ‘not with a bang…but a whimper’. It hurt. I was crushed when he wouldn't talk to me. I really thought we meant more to each other than that. But I healed and moved on. I do not wish him ill nor do I pine for him. He’s not the same person he was then, nor am I. I have not known him longer than I have known him. How can you long for someone you don’t even know? Can you?

To be fair and very honest, I never compared them. Neither the men nor the relationships. I am not sure I ever felt as deeply for the ex as I did for the former love, but that doesn't mean I cared any less. They were like ‘apples and screwdrivers’; there were no similarities. There were amazing things about both. I feel in love for different reasons and the things I value in each person are not the same. There were never any conscious comparisons. That would be unfair to both and would dishonor the uniqueness that was each relationship. Now if there was only a way to squish those things into one relationship. That would be a big step in the right direction.

I didn’t want to over analyze. Too late I know. Spending time in Phoenix this last weekend was exactly what I needed to do. Take some time away with someone who knew me intimately and many who didn’t know me at all. To unwind and let my brain settle down. To not think about the last few weeks. And I knew I would be reminded of my former love. And it was good to hear about him. To be reminded that he has moved on. He has a life I know nothing about. And that I don’t know him anymore. It didn’t hurt as much to hear his name. To see pictures of him. To know that one day we will have to be in the same place, and to finally be at peace with that and with him. I will never have the answers I seek. I am not sure he can give them to me himself. But I can recall with a smile for the first time in 6 years memories that have been painful to remember. I can pull out the long forgotten album and remember how good it was to feel so in love. I can try and honor what was good. I haven’t really thought about ‘what might have been’. I still don’t. The road leads where it will lead and if we don’t grab a hold of what we want, it slips away. I wonder about the future and try and learn from the past. A part of me will always belong to him. That doesn’t mean there is nothing left of me or that I long for that part. It belongs with him at that time in that place. It’s safe and undiminished. A reminder of who I was and where I have come. And that makes me smile. To remember a time when I was wild and crazy in love. I can remember what it felt like, so I will know it when I find it again. And hold on a little tighter and fight a little harder for it. I am grateful to that man in that time for that kind of love.

I do not know who is around the next curve or where the path will lead. I face it with excitement. I do not need to find love. I am loved. I am content for now to stop and smell the lilacs and watch the daisy bloom. I have closed the gate on this relationship and am ready to see what’s beyond this place. I am ready to start unpacking the past relationship to see what treasure I had long forgotten about. I admit with all the reminiscing, there is a part of me what would like to see the fire again even if just to feel its warmth for a brief moment. And a part of me that wonders what other sparks might be kindling just up ahead. But then again, that’s the beauty of the future, only she knows.