MGK Mondays

Why? because i managed to somehow get caught up on last weeks work (woohoo!) and i have a few mins before i feel like starting this weeks work (i'm already behind anyway, what's a few more mins?). Background on this little tidbit: at the end of last winter (before we played musical cubes and sales moved to the other side of the building), it had snowed a lot. so there was a LOT of salt and sand everywhere thanks to the very safety conscious plowing company.

The international sales manager walks by the outside cubes (there are 3 rows of 2 cubes. i am in row 2. i cannot see what is going on.) with a broom. All the offices are carpeted. i didn't even know there was a broom. I guess he was going to brush off his shoes because they had sand/dirt/salt on them from walking in the parking lot. the following takes place: (with only a few embellishments i might add)

Diana: why does Bill have a broom?

Me: he has a broom? as in a kitchen broom?

Diana: yes a kitchen broom.

Francisco: that’s how he gets to his car at night. Didn’t you know that? He just goes up and jumps off the roof.



Me: wouldn’t a jet pack be easier?



Diana: nah, he’s not a modern witch. He likes to kick it old school.



Me: like Sabrina the Teenage Witch?



Fransisco: wasn't that the one with the weird talking cat?

Diana: yep.



Bill walks out of his office with the broom: what are you guys talking about?

The three of us in unison: nothing.



Bill: you guys are weird.

says the guy who finds a broom and brings it to his carpeted office to brush off the shoes that are on his feet. :)

one of those weeks

Have you had one of those weeks too? The kind where the weight of responsibilities feels like it’s crushing you and you can barely breathe? Where it feels like the world is conspiring against you and there is no way out? When you fear striking out at someone who piles one more thing on top of your completely loaded day? The kind where you sit at your desk, a moment away from tears because you are just not sure how much else you can take? The week that you have no idea where any of it came from, but you will be ecstatic when it’s finally over?

I am not sure anyone would describe me as an overly flexible person. I like to be in control and prepare for things (most of the time). Or at least know what is expected of me ahead of time. For instance, I am fine with flying my the seat of my pants when teaching a lesson, however I do like to know a few days in advance that I am teaching it. so I like to control the commitment not necessarily the content. However I really have learned to ‘roll with it’ in the last year or so. change doesn’t make my stomach clench like it used to. But when I am trying to decide what to do during the week, being given a new project, with no deadline, and then being yelled at because it wasn’t done that day; or setting daily work aside to finish new project and then getting emails several times a day asking why the daily stuff wasn’t done DRIVES ME CRAZY! I just can’t win this week.

I don’t know why this week has been so bad. There were no indicators Monday morning it was going to turn out this way. I had a minor scheduling change at work (30mins earlier everyday). Didn’t seem to affect me too much Monday morning. The over loading and ‘reprioritizing’ without actually telling me what was needed when set the swing in motion. One of my new ‘goals’ at work this year is to handle consignment releases of purchased active ingredients. Sounds fancy, but it’s really not. Since I am still new at this, this requires ‘showing my math’ to my bosses and getting it all approved before I actually ‘do the work’. I spent an hour putting together the release. Only to have every piece of it scrutinized. I understand I am new at this. And it requires knowing what we have on hand, what we need, and what still needs to be released. And converting it from kg to lbs. All of it math, none of it rocket science (and I took Astronomy so I know what rocket science is). But because my bosses have done this before, they still insist on picking it apart. Double checking is good. I agree that it’s a good idea given the cost of the material. But to redo all the math, ask again how I came up with xxx amount, then agree that I did it ‘right’, is insulting. And time consuming. It took an hour longer than it should have. And hour I could have been working on my ‘normal’ daily activities.

I am in Chaska on Tuesdays. There is a production meeting that I attend and I spend the day counting and putting out inventory fires. Or finding them. $5,000 inventory fires that I checked 3 times and still have no answers for. $5,000 worth of inventory that was there at the start of the month. $5,000 worth of inventory that is technically not ours, buts on consignment for one of our customers. Not to mention fires that include a new system that is not entirely similar to the old system leaving cycle counts that cannot always be finished in one day with the report written immediately that afternoon.

I was asked to complete a project last week with no real instructions as to what I really had to do. I figured it out and emailed to make sure it was really what was expected of me and was told yes. I took the project home to ‘do the math’ so I could just enter it the next day. I thought that was all I had to do. Took me maybe an hour and I emailed it was done and thought that was the end of it. turns out there was a whole second part that needed to be updated as well, however it wasn’t as critical so no one thought to make sure I knew that part too. I was asked on Wednesday if I had finished with the second part. Well, no Mr. Boss, I didn’t realize that was a part of it. Let me work on that. Turns out, that was the longer and much more time consuming part of the project. So I spent 3 hours finishing that project. While being asked why report #1 wasn’t finished, where was #2, and when would I be done with #3. I was ready to cry I was so frustrated.

Thursday was maybe the worst so far. And the day with the least interruptions. But it didn’t feel like it helped. To start the day, my alarm went off at 7am like it was set to. The problem, it went off at 7am Central STANDARD Time. I must not have corrected the date on my clock and it switched to CST this morning instead of on Sunday morning. I was awake, dressed, made up, and walked the dog in less than 30 mins. Probably a record for me. I was unfortunately 40 mins late to work. it was a continuation of please make sure to get the extra things done, but where is the stuff you were supposed to have done last week. constant check in and reminders that the reports they requested last week were not done. could I please finish those today? what do you say to that? ‘No sorry, I think I am going to sit on my butt and play solitaire today.’ at least the problems I was expected to handle were less than they had been all week. less fire is good. I actually got to work on some of those reports. And low and behold, I got two done.

My plan today was simply to ignore everyone. The phone, the email, everything. Today I am going to get crap done damn it! that worked for maybe an hour or 2. It’s hard to ignore the person physically standing in my office. ‘Outside customer wants his order NOW. Why I haven’t even ordered their labels?’ Well, they need to have them approved by their Regulatory body first because I will NOT order them until they are. The fines can be extreme for mislabeled product. And since we are actually adhering the label to the bottle, it’s our responsibility to make sure they are correct. At least if they sign them, we can point the finger and say we had their Regulatory body’s permission. [AKA: it wouldn’t be my fault. Customers are great and all (except maybe this particular customer, they are a pain), but I am not willing to put my job on the line and cut corners for their convenience.] ‘Oh, I guess that makes sense. Can you ask them where they are with that?’ Sure. I have emailed them 2 times this week with no response. I have nothing else to do. Of course I will call them/email them yet again. NOT. Thankfully the finally emailed the approved label to me. They were holding up the process, but somehow it will still be my fault. I did finally get the first part needed to the last report I need to get out. still have to write the report, but I have a half hour to pull that off. Won’t be spectacular, but it will be DONE!

I had my one year review last Friday. One of the things I mentioned that I felt I should be better managing my time. I felt I hadn’t done as great of a job with that last year. There were a lot of days I felt like I didn’t get anything done. there were a lot of things that were not done on time. There were labels that were not in house in time for production. Whether or not that was my fault, it was my responsibility because it’s my job. I have been hyper aware of time management since. (My boss actually disagreed with me on that point. He said that he felt I did fine considering how much we actually got done and delays were inevitable.) This week I have made lists of what I wanted to get done each day to try and keep up with the flow of work. I have gotten 2 things on those 4 lists done so far this week. It has not been a good feeling to have to include yesterday’s list on today’s list. It’s a pretty long list at this point. I feel like I have really failed this week. it’s not entirely my fault. I have taken work home to try and catch up. I am frustrated. Close to tears. Stressed out. And extremely over caffeinated as a result.

But maybe I am looking at those lists wrong. Perhaps I should be creating a list of what I did get done every day. That list is a better curser to what was accomplished this week. there is still work outstanding. There is a lot that needs to be completed before next week’s responsibilities settle in. but I did do a lot this week. that list of what I finished that I didn’t know I had to do certainly outweighs the list of what I wanted to get done. I was so frustrated the other day, I refused to work when I got home. I walked the dog, made dinner, watched a little tv, and hung things on my very bare walls. I have a list of things I would like to have done in my house. There is a time line on some, but not on most. Hanging pictures was not on my list. But it got done. granted there are no pictures in them, but they are on the wall to remind me to put pictures in them. The hard part is done. I feel like I accomplished more this week by putting a few holes in the wall, than in 40 hours worth of work. it’s hard to retrain myself to look at the success of this week, and not the failure. I will eventually get everything done. it wasn’t on the time line set forth, but it will get done. in the mean time, I still finished a lot of things that I started. Maybe it’s the joy of the weekend being almost here. Or the relief that this week is over, but I am starting to feel better. I just have to keep saying ‘I was successful this week’. I can’t let the week beat me. there will always be another week with another list. Maybe it’s God’s way of reminding us there is always a chance to try again. Next week is still a new slate. So I am already ahead of the game. How was your week?

MGK Mondays

on a tuesday! why? because i am trying to kill time before a glorious council meeting.

so it's halloween time at MGK. and like another other place where the receptionist inherited the job from someone who spends way too much time with ms living (that would be martha stewart. i don't say the name too often. it's like a swear word to me), of course there are tons of decorations to be put out. Jane has spent several days laying out the happy looking skulls (seriously, they are all smiling) and pumpkins, she decided we needing something more 'halloweeny". Jane was gifted a bag of plastic spiders. She put a few out, and then one of the Research and Development people took the rest of them and put them up for her. They are everywhere. it's become a game to see where they can hide them. there is one on the glass, one on the change return on the vending machine, one on the stairs...

now i have been gone from that office for several weeks. i have been spending a lot of time at our plant. so i have been having fun looking for all of them. i noticed something funny about a few. here is the conversation i had upon discovering these 'interesting' spiders:

Me: um...why are some of the spiders upside down?

R&D: because we make insecticide.

Me: ummm...ok.

R&D: we can't make people think we left them alive, that would be bad for business.

only at MGK!

I'm Alive...mostly

Back from the dead. Well kind of. I looked at my last post and couldn’t believe how long it’s been! Not to mention how much has happened. This summer was the craziest, busiest, most stressful 3 months I can remember. Not that it’s all been bad. Just insane.

Let’s start the week after my last post.

I bought my house. Signed the papers, gasped at the closing fees, and was handed the keys. Well in a way. I was actually handed a new lock set. But there were keys in the set. My realtor was also my friend. My mortgage broker is also my friend. They collectively made the whole process so much easier. They are amazing people. They bought me new locks as part of my housewarming gift. My realtor offered to come and install it (he took the old one out just before closing to try and have it rekeyed with no luck), but I already had a screwdriver in my hand. I can’t wait for them to come see the place now.

I have never been so excited. It’s all mine. 1500 sq feet. 3 bedrooms. 2 ½ baths. 3 floors. 2 car garage. Giant deck. It’s all mine. Holes in the wall. Bad painting job. Crumbling ceilings. Water damage. Pet stained carpet. Green shag carpet. Leaking toilets. I closed on April 30^th. I moved in sometime towards the end of June. We spent 2 months tearing down ceilings, sanding them, painting them flat. Tear down water damaged ceiling, repairing it, paying to have it refinished. Repairing walls. Sanding walls. Cleaning ducts and fireplace. Priming. Painting. Moving in appliances (brand new factory installed appliances). Tearing out green shag carpet. Priming. Priming. Priming. Painting. Painting. Painting. Painting. Tearing out a vanity. tearing apart a toilet. Removing wall paper. Repairing walls. Cleaning carpets. Cleaning carpets. Moving my belongings in. Inheriting a dog. Cleaning carpets. Cleaning the same carpets.

Then after moving in we have continued: Painting. Sanding walls. Priming. Painting. Tearing out linoleum. Scrapping industrial adhesive off cement floor from linoleum. Getting new furniture (2 chairs, couch, table and 4 chairs, deck chair and chaise, glass table, 4 chairs, planters, plants, desk, guest bed, night stand, book shelf, washer and dryer. I LOVE IKEA and my family.) It actually looks like a house.

And by ‘we’ I mean a lot of people. I have been truly blessed with some of the most amazing friends and family. 2 of my best friends have been there to help anytime I have said I needed it. And they bring their other halves too. I put out a mass call on day, and several people showed up. They have scrapped, repaired, torn down, primed, and painted like champs. I am so grateful to have them. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have gone through this without their help and willingness to be paid in food and pool time. And there was never any complaining. Just the question of what time they needed to be there and what they needed to bring. I love that about ‘my girls’. We are always there for each other. Nana helped clean and brought her truck to move stuff in. Nana also paid for appliances and brought her former deck set for my deck. My aunts and uncle helped some. It was a whole community worth of help.

And then of course there is my mom. She is my hero. She was on stand by when I closed with cleaning supplies and a car full of stuff. I called her on my way from the closing and she met me there with a huge smile on her face. She then helped me scrub the 18 months worth of abandonment dust, dirt, and grime out of the place. She has torn down ceilings, torn off wall paper, learned how to replace the innards of a toilet, primed, painted, made food, cleaned, scrapped, sanded, repaired, moved furniture, helped pick out colors and appliances, organized and unpacked, moved and assembled furniture, and been my all over support. She is my partner in home improvement crime. She has helped me do everything. And she has already committed to laying laminate flooring, wainscoting, installing my new sink, and tiling my laundry room. She says my house is the ‘test’ house. If it works well, then we can do it in her house once we get some practice. I love my mommy. She has even gone and sat at the house and done things while I am at work. Despite being in school and then getting laid off, she is still willing to spend her weekends with me in the ‘trenches’. She’s been my rock. She is amazing.

On top of all the fun house improving stuff, this summer was full of ‘fun’ activities. My ex called me out of the blue. We started talking. Turns out my suspicion about him and my friend (see Overreacting: The Break up Edition from March) were dead on. He told me on his own. She had flat out lied to me. He asked me not to say anything until he talked to her. I waited a week. Then I let her know what I thought. Our relationship will never be the same. Either one. Despite all their excuses, she lied when I asked her what was going on. She could have said a million things, but she turned it back on me asking how I could ask her such a thing. I also found out she used what I was saying to her to manipulate him. I still don’t trust her. They are adults and they can do what they want. But why lie when someone calls you on it, especially knowing there is a good chance that person will eventually find out the truth? I even gave her a few chances after I found out for her to tell me what really happened. She still didn’t say anything. Man, with friends like that….

I was elected to the River City Theatre Company’s Board of Directors as a technical consultant and historian. We picked out a show and decided on show dates of the end of September. In the course of the show, 3 board members quit leaving the 4 of us who were involved in the show to be the board. I am now the Vice Chairman, by default. I had agreed to be the Technical Director for the show. These last two paragraphs are related. This is where stress comes into play. I introduced the ex to a fellow board member, who is also one of my best friends. She introduced him to the board as a possible director. I personally didn’t have too many objections to him directing so I stayed out of the deciding process and voted with the majority. The board liked his resume. I have seen his work. I know he’s got the talent and kids really like him. I thought he would be a perfect fit. So I let them to the deciding and stayed out of it. They chose him and away the summer started.

The show started off fine. Then the costumer/board member/cast member found out she was pregnant. Then the stage manager/board member also found out she was pregnant. Let the hormones fly. Stage manager had to back off from some things because it was too much for her to handle with some of the complications she was experiencing. Step up the other (3) board members who were all also involved with the show (and one who was also pregnant). Lots of stress. Lots of reworking of schedules. Lots of time spent in Watertown (70 miles from home). Lots more work than it started out. And Ex and I didn’t get along professionally at all. He’s not a technician. He’s done some minor technical work, but even he admits he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He started to ask for things that were not within our budget or scope. He got snippy when I tried to suggest that something wasn’t going to work with the technical aspects of the show and space. He started to not tell me things. Important technical things. He figured I would just find out. Lots of snipping. Lots of snarky comments. A few nasty emails. We do not work well together at all. I almost quit. Lots of extra time to cater to him. Lots of time away from the house. All in all, maybe not the best choice getting him involved in ‘my world’. Especially this soon after everything blew up and then we started talking again.

And if those 2 things were not enough, I moved into my house one week, inherited my aunt’s dog a few days later, agreed to be the Tech Director for RCTC’s show the next week, and then the following week, the powers that be at church, fired our full time Director of Children’s Ministry. And politely dropped her job in my lap for a few weeks. Being the Council Chair for Children’s Ministry, it was my job to keep things moving along. I met with the powers that be a few days after all this happened. The summary of the subtext of that conversation was a little something like this: ‘we have no idea what you guys do down there, so we can’t really help you. Good luck. And if you need anything, you can ask, but we will probably have no clue what to do.’ Not only did they fire the Director (who happens to be a good friend of mine), they have no plan as to what to do after they did. And the first question I got from anyone was ‘what are your plans for Rally Sunday?’ Yeah, that was the most pressing thought on my mind. I had just been handed an additional 40 hour a week job that I wasn’t getting paid for on top of my actual 40 a week job, and my 20 hour a week volunteer theatre job. I laughed and told them my plans were to try and survive the day. I do have to say that I have some amazing committee members who stepped way up and really helped. By the time we hired an interim person, curriculum was done, trailguides were found, a major scheduling shift had occurred and been handled, and rally day was planned. We kicked butt. And of course got little to no recognition for any of it. The kids are enjoying themselves and having fun. So that’s recognition enough. Oh and former Director had been interviewing for other positions anyway. She was offered a much better job the following week!

So that was my ‘summer’. I am not sure what happened to any of it. The only plants that did well were the ones that were able to sustain themselves this summer. I killed a lot by not being there. I sat on my deck and enjoyed it 3 times. Got to my pool twice. The only time I saw people were if there were in the theatre or coming over to help with something with the house. I made it to Nana’s house only once. Another one of my best friends got married this Labor Day weekend. I only saw her during her dress fittings all summer. I left like a terrible bridesmaid. We did manage a pretty awesome shower/bbq. And she said she had a great time at her bachelorette party. And no they were not half thrown together. Her sister and I made sure to get those planned and done up right. I have 1400 emails to finish going through. About 1400 hours of sleep to catch up on. And many many blog entries to catch up on. I am so out of the loop. I am exhausted just proofing this entry. I have got to learn to say no. So I have not been ignoring people these last few months. I have not been ignoring this blog on purpose. I have simply been way too busy to stop and scribble a not to myself, let alone write anything else. So here is to hopefully more frequent blogging.

Much delayed update

The long overdue check in. Probably because there is not a whole lot to report. Allergies are making it very difficult to breathe. That means less activity so as to aggravate my lungs. Allergies inevitably turn into a head cold which means headaches and lots of coughing. It’s hard to stick to exercising when you are struggling to walk around at work. But being sick for me also means less eating. It’s no fun to eat something when you can’t even taste it. I know that’s probably why I stay sick for so long, but I just don’t feel like eating. I have not been as careful about what I eat either. I seem to have found myself busy again so dinners out are becoming common place again. That doesn’t make my scale nor my wallet happy. I still try to bring lunch to work, but have settled for the pre-processed food, though I do not eat anything that is not weightwatchers or healthy choice as the preservative/fat/salt content of anything else is so high I feel a heart attack coming on just reading the labels! So all in all, I have gone up and down for the last 2.5 weeks in weight, but over all remain pretty much exactly the same as before I got sick: 9 lbs down with a whopping 20 to go. I know I have several months, but I was hoping to be a little further along with the wedding in September.
I feel a deflated about the numbers not changing. I could have done more. I should have at least kept up on my sit ups and pushups; but again, that’s hard to do when you keep coughing…however it’s not impossible. I guess the positive way to looking at that is at least it was exercise in some form :-p. But I am on the mend and NEED to get my tush in gear. 5k challenge must be started in earnest this week. And I expect my few readers here to call me out on it if I don’t post at least some moderate success next Monday!

Another reason has cropped up to make sure to start an exercise program like the Couch to 5k program. I have very high cholesterol. My LDL has clocked in at 290 on its own. About 3x what is considered safe! And even with an HDL that is also very high, usually around 70, it’s not anywhere near enough to offset the dangerous level of LDL. Ok so that’s nothing new. What is new if the dose of Lipitor I am on. 40 mg per day is considered aggressive treatment. Not the 80 mg we could go, but high enough for me to have to be pretty in tuned with my body because of the risks associated with the dose. I don’t like altering the chemicals in my body artificially. I don’t even like taking allergy pills. But this was necessary since my LDL is caused by genetics and not the foods I eat and diet and exercise did nothing, and I mean didn’t even prevent it from going up, to help. So pills it is. I tried the generic Simvastatin. Failed. Which I hear is not surprising, but it takes a whole year before then can determine if it really is a failure. Next we move to actual Lipitor, $165.00 a month, ouch. [SOAP BOX: Pfizer should be ashamed of how much they STILL charge for this drug knowing it’s coming off patent. They actually paid off a company who was starting to formulate this drug so it could be available at a fraction of the price right after the patent expires next year. Therefore it will be at least 18 months after he patent expires before we will see any sort of generic, providing the patents isn’t extended AGAIN. Research my butt, it’s the $11.4 billion a year for the stock holders they are interested in. Getting off soap box now.]

Any who, I started off at 20 mg. Not aggressive enough. So we moved to 40mg. Now I have had the random minor side effects to the other drugs and doses; mainly the heartburn. I ate Tums and Pepsid like candy. The 20mg didn’t seem too bad. The 40mg is killer. The minor: very bad heartburn if I eat within 2 hours of taking the pill. And worst: the muscle pain and weakness and joint pain. This can be a serious sign that very bad things are happening. And to top it off, with my Vitamin D levels being so low, this is also the side effects if the mega doses I took didn’t work. I am playing a very delicate game of which one is causing this. Lipitor means the drugs are too strong, but we don’t want to dose off of them just yet because they are working so well (down to 190. Very high, but at least on the charts finally!). But it could also be the sign that my kidneys are in trouble (producing enzymes that break down muscle tissue). The diagnosis is to keep a very close eye on it. If it’s the Vitamin D not working, it can be a sign that the mega supplements weren’t enough and my calcium levels are still dangerously low. My body may still not be absorbing what it needs and the muscles and bones are breaking down. The diagnosis is to keep a very close eye on it. I don’t like the options presented to me. I can take all the Advil in the world, but it’s starting to affect even the simple things like walking up stairs. So the suggestion: try an exercise program that starts slow and build up to allow my muscles and bones to build strength slowly. This should alleviate the pain from the muscles being weak, but should prevent splints and breaking if it’s the lack of calcium causing it. I am not scheduled for more blood work for a few months, so unless something goes wrong, this is the only actual solution offered to me. And one that my health care provider strongly suggests. She was excited to hear I was setting the goal of running a 5k. She has suggested being very aware of how my body reacts and to take it nice and slow and not push it. So I have found yet another reason why this should be a very real priority in my life.

What I seem to lack though, is accountability. Being in constant physical pain is certainly a motivator. But it’s not a guarantee that the pain is going to go away. In fact, at first it will be worse. I know it has to be done, but I have no one to really kick me in the rear if I don’t actually do any of this. Sure LutheranGeek will be disappointed. But there is no one to yell at me for slacking. So I am giving anyone who reads this permission to call me out on the carpet if I start slacking. And you only need one phrase: you let me down. Because I promise I will have already made a million excuses as to why I didn’t do it. It will remind me none of them are good enough, especially if other people are challenging themselves and we agreed to do it together. So…Feel free to scorn me if a post is not made by Tuesday afternoon about this week’s activities. I look forward to NOT reading them :)

The Big Picture

This is not what I dreamed my life would look like. Somehow it’s more than I ever knew to dream for.

That’s not to say ‘all my dreams have come true.’ They are still a few left to realize. Reality is just more than I knew what to hope for. I stand on a path I would not have chosen then I started, but the joy that I now look at, has made the journey more meaningful.

Not every bump has worth. Most were the result of the choices I made with consequences less than I desired. There is not always worth in things that bring one pain, anger, or humiliation. But there are always lessons in those bumps if one slows down long enough to be taught. Things that can be applied as the path leads on, to avoid future bumps. Some bumps are bigger than others. But I have surprised myself with how few still stick out. There are even a few that I take some pride in. Those are the bumps that have been worth it.

But right now, I am not thinking about those bumps from the past. I am only thinking about a few that may lie ahead and how I can prepare for them. I am thinking of these bumps with excitement. I know they will be there. I know there will be much to learn from them. But these bumps mean something amazing has happened for them to be a possibility.

I’m not trying to sound as cliché as I think I am being. I have certainly not been wandering lost through a deep dark wood. The path has been taking more twists and turns, and there has been more shade than I would like. But the beauty of shade: you can always still see the light. It was always there guiding me, I just had to press on to get to it. I never dreamed this path would be straight; just maybe that I would be able to anticipate more of the twists and see more of the turns before they actually happened. I like to plan things out. I like to know where I am going and when. I like to be in control. I don’t like the unexpected. It knots my stomach like a pretzel. I get disoriented and disgruntled. I try to handle it as best as I can, taking as few casualties as possible. Grinning and bearing it is an art form for me, one I try hard to paint. I think this is why things seem to be better than I knew to dream.

Every little girl has a dream about what they want their future to look like. It’s always been hard to reconcile when something in that dream had to change for me. I have always been driven to see it all come true exactly as I imagined it. I have always been a planner. This is why it’s so funny that I am never on time. Sometimes I am too busy planning it out, that it never gets done. But for me, there always comes a time when the dream and reality must be weighed.
At this point in my life I dreamed I would be married and at least planning (see, that word again) on starting a family. I dreamed on a home with a yard and of course a dog. I dreamed of a good job I enjoy doing making a wage to make the rest of the dream possible. I dreamed I would have a partner who would share my ups and downs. A partner who would share in the emotional and financial responsibility of this dream. A nice rosy picture huh? The further I journey, the more this ‘dream’ no longer sounds ideal. This ‘dream’ is so not there I am.

So what is my reality? My reality is that I have, by societal standards, failed at the relationship part. Lots could (and have) been said about the only two long term, emotionally mature relationships I have been in. But to me fail is a strong word. I haven’t failed. They may not have made it to my reality, but each of them has lead to a greater understanding of who I am and how I function in a relationship. I have learned that sometimes you grown in different directions than your partner and ultimately the relationship must end for the health of both people involved. That is not necessarily anyone’s fault. The failure comes when you fail to recognize it and you cease to grow. My reality is that I am surrounded by people who love me. Friends and family who emotionally support me daily and will always be available to help lessen the burdens. I have people who share and empathize with my ups and downs, and let me share in theirs. I don’t need to be attached to any one person to find that reality.

My reality is that I have no children. I am not planning on having children anytime in the immediate future nor to I anticipate that to change for quite some time. My reality is that I don’t need to give birth to have children or for my life to have meaning to a child. I volunteer with children and youth on a weekly basis. They remember my name. They smile and greet me when they see me; even when in public. I know I have made a connection. That makes me feel good. I have a niece that thinks the world of me, and I would do anything for her. I have a godchild that I get to spoil and love. I get to watch them grow and forever be a part of them. My friends have children. I get to love and play with them. I get to care for and about them without having to spend the sleepless nights. And I have a responsibility to live my life with dignity for each of them. They are my reminders to strive to be a better person. My life is surrounded by children. I get to be a role model without ever having to give birth.

My reality is I don’t own a dog, but I do have a dog. My sister came home with a cute, fuzzy little puppy (who was born 8 years ago today!) one summer day. The now 70 lbs, medium size dog has become the family dog. We are collectively her pack. She is a full member of the family with all rights there contained. She instinctively protects all of us, as we do her. She whines and wiggles at the top of the stairs when each of us walks through the door. Her needs are always considered when making decisions for the family. And in return, she loves out without conditions. There is something wonderful about the love of a dog. The unwavering trust. They joy at seeing you no matter the amount of time you have been away. It doesn’t matter I physically live with her or not, I am a part of Sammi’s pack. She is my dog.

My reality is that I don’t down a single family house with a cute little yard and a white picket fence (a little too Martha Stewart anyway). But soon, I will own my own house. And it will be my name on the mortgage. And only mine. I didn’t need someone else to make this a part of my reality. I did it on my own. I get the joy of painting the rooms the colors that I like. I get to pick out the flooring. I get to make the repairs, replace appliances, scrape popcorn off the ceilings, and keep things running smoothly. I am the only one I have to please with my choices. I never thought I would be able to do this on my own. It’s a huge responsibility, and a vast source of joy.

My reality is that I work for a company I can be proud to be a part of. I have co-workers who are helpful and willing to share their experience with me. I have the financial resources to make sure I can still dream. But most importantly, I have a job I enjoy going to. I am doing something worthwhile and have the support of those around me. I have been set up so that success if the only option. I may not be doing the work of my dreams, but I am working for the company of my dreams.

My reality is: I am happy.

My reality is only an alteration of my dreams. The elements all exist, just in a different way. I don’t need a partner for love and suport, I am surrounded by people who love me. I don’t need biological children, I have a vast number in my life already. I don’t need a big house with a big yard; I have a townhouse with a huge deck. I didn’t know to dream for any of this. It’s where the path has lead me. Those twists, turns, and bumps have lead to me to a place full of joy. I am prepared to handle the next leg of the journey. My patience and perseverance has been rewarded. And there are so many people to thank. I am grateful I don’t have to try and do it all alone.

I am not normally an openly optimistic person. Cautiously optimistic at best. But the need to slow down and do a reality check has been great. There have been so many changes in the last few months, with so many more on the way. Reflection and perspective are needed. I have had to let go of a lot and embrace so much. I like where I am. This is not what I would have thought happiness looked like. This is so different than I had hoped for, yet I can’t help but smile when I think of it all. I feel ready to tackle the next few dreams. I have opened my mind to the possibility that change isn’t always bad. Change is a better catalyst than planning. Losing control doesn’t mean having to give up, it means going with the flow until I find a better foothold. I still marvel over how everything is different, but still somehow where I wanted to be. This dream is far more than I knew it could be.

The post I couldn't post :)

i am ready to share this post. i wrote it back in the beginning of april. april 8th i believe. i have been hanging on to it until the time felt right.

The post I can’t post. At least not yet. Not until a few more things are worked out. Not until I have told a few people. Not until the papers are signed and the inspection is complete and the all clear is given. Not until I pinch myself a few more times to see if this is real. I am writing this now, but I can’t post it until later. I just became a home owner. Well, I just found out there is a very real possibility that I will be a home owner in the next few weeks.

This has been the longest process I have ever experienced. If someone told me 2 years ago that this would take 22 months, with 4 different price points, and seriously about 60 homes, I would have told them they were crazy. It was 24 ½ months since I gave up my apartment in Minneapolis to buy a house with the man I thought I was destined to spend the rest of my life with. I packed up everything I owned and moved it all to his father’s basement to wait until we found a place of our own. Between moving and prequalifying, his losing his job, finding a new job, losing that job, finding yet another with a lot less pay involved, then me losing mine, being told to move out of his father’s house by him, me finding awesome job, and moving my belongings to my mother’s garage: all my earthly possessions, save my clothes, my bed, a few books, and my plants, have been in storage for 24 months. I am not even sure what I own any more. And it might finally all be coming out of storage to be gone through and decided what is really important and what is no longer needed.

This is not how I thought this would end. I honestly thought we would be doing this together. That this was the first real big step that we needed to make to declare our intentions to be together until death did us part. I thought we would be partners in this whole process. When I started looking again on my own a few months ago, it was still for us. A place where we didn’t have to live with anyone else. Where we could make our own rules. Where we would be forced to make it work because we were in this together. But also a place he didn’t feel he needed to stress about financially. And if he didn’t want to move in with me right away, he didn’t have to. I never thought I would be doing this on my own. This was not what I had in mind. Yet somehow, it makes the accomplishment that much more. I did do it on my own. I was the one who went and looked at this place. My mom saw a few of the others, but not this one. I was the one who decided what to offer. I was the one who wrote the check. I don’t have to share this with anyone. (Ok so I am actually getting the down payment as a gift from family, but I still have to pay the earnest money and inspection fees, ect.) I feel like I have actually grown up. At least I have taken a giant step towards being a full fledged adult.

I am scared to death. I know logically I can afford it. But how in the world and I going to pay for it? The thoughts of a second job are already floating in my mind. I can make it, but there is going to be little cushion. What happens if something goes wrong? Although this does mean I can officially change my tax status to 1. Because I am a homeowner. That’s going to take some getting used to. I don’t need to worry about panicking when I see the papers, I am already.

This is mine. It will be my house. I don’t have to accommodate anyone but myself. I get to be that fiercely independent person I have always been. I wonder if that will really be a good thing. Being so stubbornly independent is what got me where I am today…but it’s also what’s gotten me where I am today. It’s made me successful in my career, if that’s what I can call it. But it’s also led to the demise of my personal relationships. I will one day find someone who will admire that. I know that. And maybe this will actually help me let go a little since nothing ever works out the way one expects when you own your own place. Perhaps this will teach me about perspective. Perhaps this will encourage me to not take everything so seriously.

This means I will not be moving to Arizona. Katie wants me to. I want to be near Katie. I will just have to visit more often. Yes it was a serious consideration. After everything else that’s gone on here, the idea of packing up and starting over somewhere else, sounded oddly comforting. The chance to start over fresh with only a few people who knew who I was or what I was about had a very real draw to it. We might have to see how things pan out. It’s only 2 years until I can sell right? And by then things should have turned around, right? With this as an investment, who knows what it could be worth in a few years? But for now I am staying in Minnesota. I am staying at MGK. But it doesn’t mean I might finally be able to go back to school without worrying about a student loan messing things up.

Allie is sleeping in my bed tonight. I look at her and think this is going to be a rarity from now on. She will have to come over for special sleepovers, but she will not just crawl into my bed because she is scared, or cold, or just wants to be near Auntee Mollee. I am thankful to have her to cuddle up to as I ponder all of this tonight. My mom is in her bed. Soon she will have her room back. She can buy the kitchen table she wants. She can fully enjoy her new home. She has been inconvenienced by him and his selfish decisions too. It was her new house; she shouldn’t have had to make the sacrifices she has. I am thankful I am able to stay here, but it’s time for me to move on. It’s time for her to stretch out and relax in her room and not have to worry about keeping me up. I haven’t told her yet. I still need time to ponder what this will mean. It’s the next big chapter for me. I am scared, and nervous, and excited all at the same time. I want to process this in my own way. I am a bit fatalistic. This could still not happen. We are ‘fast tracking’ this. I could close in 2 or 3 weeks if all works out. It’s going to move fast, especially once everyone knows. Then it’s real. Then I have to start planning. There are appliances that need to be purchased. Painting and repairing that need to be done. Carpets that need to be cleaned. Inspections to pass. Loans to be authorized. And once everyone knows, everyone will want to help. I am imagining the whirlwind now. I want a night for this to be mine. For my heart only. Hence sitting here typing away on the computer.

I am not sure what I will do if this doesn’t work out. I really don’t want to start all over again. This process has been very long and very tiring. There are only so many houses to look at. There is a very logical part of me that says this isn’t over until the papers are signed and the keys are in my hand. There is a part of me telling me not to get too excited yet. There are still a few unknowns. Maybe they didn’t really accept my offer. Maybe this isn’t my stop on the real estate train. But there is a small part of me ready to burst with excitement. That wants to shout it to whoever will hear it: I just might be a new homeowner. All by myself. I just bought my first home!ho

9 lbs...and a new Challenge!

This week was not one of the better weeks. Easter. Candy. Ham. Buttered mashed potatoes. Cookie salad (made with canned fruit, pudding, cool whip, and fudge striped cookies). Though I did try to keep the portions in check. And it was one of the few things I ate that day, which was also not good for the metabolism. However, I did still manage to get to the 9 lbs mark! Even with all the food distractions. I have to admit that I am not a sweet tooth. The candy doesn’t have as much affect on me as it does to a lot of people. I prefer salty things. So I have a whole basket of candy that will most likely be eaten by the rest of my family. I am ok with that. With Holy Week, my schedule was a little off this week too. I made dinner for a lot of people with a lot of help on Thursday. I am not sure I ever really ate anything that day. I skipped lunch to leave early (not good I know). And I stopped and picked up fast food (Taco bell…yuk!) but I am not sure I ever ate the whole thing. One fresco taco…not too bad; nachos…very greasy and gross, threw most of them away; one chili cheese burrito…my Taco bell weakness; and a strawberry lemonade frutista who’s only redeeming quality is that it’s made with real (frozen with sugar) strawberries and not flavoring). But I am pretty positive I worked off some of the calories. I even walked the dog when I got home. I am dead tired. On further thought, I ate out a lot last week. Cosetta’s on Friday (Italian is another food weakness). Burger King on Tuesday (side salad with a grilled chicken breast). I am sure there was a frozen pizza in the week somewhere. Ughh. Bad food week.


I tried to walk the dog at least every other day (she does get out 2 times a day at the very least, just not always by me) and I think I was pretty successful with that last week. It was such a nice week it was hard to not want to be outside. The nice weather has helped immensely. I think I only did one full set of sit ups and pushups last week. I did some sit ups while watching the Blind Side, but I was so distracted I forgot all about the pushups. I think I might just have to suck it up and break out the weights. Or maybe just use them in the garage before I put my car in. This was also a bad strength week. Ok on the exercise though. Must step up all the efforts starting this week though because…


I am joining the Lutheran Geek Couch to 5k challenge! That’s right; I am going to challenge myself to run a 5k by September! (And as soon as I figure out how, I will put the button on my blog.) I must be crazy right? Well not really. There is a training program that seems reasonable to follow. http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml And it’s worked for a lot of other people. And I will be one of them. I applaud my friend for finding this and challenging all of us to join her. I am over weight and totally out of shape, but with her support (and riding the coat tails of the support she is getting), I know I can do this. The program is 9 weeks. But I agree with her that by giving ourselves more than that, we have time to stumble and repeat a week (or 3 or 5 :-p) and still reach the goal of a 5k run in September. There is even a pod cast that I can download to help with the training. I should point out here that I HATE running. I am a sprinter at best (was actually pretty good in jr high). I played sports, but was never able to do much in way of distance. As a person who has lived with Asthma since I was 13, it’s always been a challenge to keep my breathing in check enough to do much running. I had another breathing test this winter, and thanks to my new job with a much better ventilation system (wait isn’t that what we built at my last job?!?!), my Asthma is officially listed as mild! As long as I do my inhaler before I start anything (and keep it handy just in case), I should be alright. Yea! I might be crazy, but I am also so very excited to do this challenge. Here’s to better health, less weight, less joint strain, and much better outlook on life!

8 lbs, 21 to go

It’s been a while since I have updated this aspect of life. And it’s a lot easier to think about. I have not really done anything spectacular in the last few weeks. I am up to…down to…which ever, 8 pounds lost. To be honest I have been fluctuating between 7 and 8. I think it depends on what time of day I step on the scale…honestly. I have been too lax on getting in the sit ups and pushups. I bought a small adjustable weight set. That’s still in the box in the garage. It would be easier to convince myself to take them out and use them if I had a place of my own and didn’t have to worry about inconveniencing someone else with them. And if I had a place to keep them. And the thought of carrying 40 lbs of weights up the stairs to bring them back down (hopefully) in a few weeks, does not appeal to me. I have enough stuff to worry about gathering.

The plan was to do sit ups and pushups at least 3 times a week while watching an episode of some hour long show on my computer. That means about 47 minutes of sit ups and pushups (with admittedly a little rest in between). This week I have not been so good about it. I have been battle the cold/allergy/crud thing going around and I have been too tired to watch TV. Lame. I am still trying to figure out when I got so old. The dog and I went on an extra long walk the other day. She was pretty exhausted when we got home. She’s not used to the exercise either. Now that it’s nicer, hopefully we can both keep up the long walks and both lose a little weight and take some stress off our joints. Her excuse is that she is almost 8 years old. Mine, I have been too lazy to do anything about the extra weight for years.

I have done nothing special with food these last few weeks. I am still taking my lunch to work. I have made sure to have some fruit or vegetables with it. I have signed up for emails from a web site called www.hungrygirl.com. They have some amazing swap out recipes that I can’t wait to have a kitchen to try! A friend gave me one of their cookbooks for my birthday a few months ago. I haven’t made anything out of it. My family is too picky. And there is still not a whole lot of room to store ‘extra’ food with the other 4 people who live here. And it’s hard to fight for kitchen space when it comes to meal time. Something else I hope to rectify sooner than later. I have made one major change. It was more of a way to make sure I am getting enough vitamin D than as a weight loss tool. I picked up some carnation instant breakfast and have made one each morning before going to work and drinking it during the commute. It’s not sugar free, but it contains protein so it at least seems to be curbing the appetite. And it has 25% of the daily recommended dose of vitamin D! For someone who’s levels are so low her body is no longer absorbing calcium efficiently, this is very happy news. Only a few more weeks of mega supplements (which hadn’t done anything in the first 6 weeks), so I need to make sure to be getting enough. It is surprising the links that vitamin D has with weight loss. Hopefully this will also help regulate my metabolism a little better.

I have made a promise to myself to be more diligent about posting about my week. That way if nothing else, I have a record of what I did on what week, and what worked the best. I just have to remember that it’s the little things that add up. Both good and bad. I have made some progress. That in and of itself is encouraging. Time to step it up.

Overreacting: the Break Up Edition

Continuation of the last post. I got to go and play with my goddaughter and her mother. My sister and Allie came too. We had a good time. I chased my goddaughter and Allie all over the play place. We went down slides, we climbed up platforms. We laughed. It felt good. The girls were exhausted. We determined it was time to go. Allie wanted to ride home with me, so we waited to them to get their stuff and we all walked out to the cars. My friend smiled and said my goddaughter would be asleep in no time. She had had a rough day. She didn't get the job she was hoping for. The one that would allow her more time with her daughter. She said that when she told my ex, he didn’t understand why she was so upset. She was exhausted too.

I talked to her the next day. I was at work and we were texting. I asked her how her day was. I asked her if my goddaughter had indeed fallen asleep on the way home. That was when she said it. ‘yeah she fell asleep, but then she woke back up when we left his house.’ She had left Allie and I and had gone back to his house. She told me they usually watch non-PG movies on Monday nights after my goddaughter falls asleep on his couch. I know she doesn’t go to sleep until close to 10pm. They are literally over there all day, evening, and most of the night on Mondays. That was how I found out exactly how much time they have been spending together. It felt like I had inconvenienced them by asking to have dinner with her. That she had agreed to meet me to humor me. it felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. I had to ask the next question, though I was pretty sure I didn’t want to hear the answer. ‘what is going on between the two of you?’. Her response was to ask me what I was talking about. Really? Was this question really that out of the blue? She has just pretty much told me she is spending one entire day a week with him, and lately he is all she talks about. What was I supposed to think?

Let’s move this away from the actual people in my narrative. Let’s make them hypothetical people. Guy breaks up with girl after dating her for more than 5 years. Within two weeks, he is spending 8-12 hours a week with someone, who is a really good friend of his ex-girl, and the girl’s daughter that he has become like a godfather too. Because of how close both girls were, he became good friends with this girl too. Guy and girl talk everyday on the phone by admission of girl. Girl breaks up with her boyfriend and makes the comment that all she wants right now if sex with no strings attached. Guy has said the same thing on multiple occasions to both girl and ex-girl. Every time the girls get together, all the girl talks about is the guy. Then, ex-girl finds out in casual conversation, that the girl, after spending an evening with the ex-girl, says she needs to get home because of very tired child and instead leaves to go see the guy so they can watch a movie and hang out some more. (not to mention with a sleeping child!) What conclusions do you draw?

I told her I was really upset by how much time they have been spending together. Especially after the big deal she made about me asking to see her a different night. She says it’s only on Mondays and not like it’s more. There is nothing going on, they are just good friends. I told her I think I need to take a break for a while. I just can’t handle sharing right now. She makes a comment about how that would be my choice then and that’s fine if that’s what I want. She is upset with me for being upset. But what gets me is the opportunity for them to try something more exists. I didn’t realize they were spending so much time together. Because I have a full time office job, I am not available to spend all day on her days off with them. I get a few hours until my goddaughter needs to go home and go to bed. I know that they have had plans to spend more than one day a week together when she has Tuesdays off too and actually have a few times. She has told me that. I feel betrayed. This is not the first time the ex has started spending a lot of time with one of my dearest friends after we have called it quits.

Am I over reacting? Probably. It’s been a rough few weeks in dealing with this whole breakup thing. This has not made things easier. I apologized for the way I sprung all this on her. I reacted to what she said. I was hurt and totally upset. I walked into the bathroom and cried at work. I was shaking and felt sick. i really did feel awful that I had heaped this on with everything she was going through with not getting the job she wanted. She accepted the apology but has not taken responsibility for her part. I need to find a way to let it go. It’s not helping in the healing process. She has said she won’t talk about him anymore. There is a huge part of me that wants to find the banking job she wants. Then she works on Mondays. And he will only get a night too. It’s awful and spiteful. But it’s the truth. I can say with an absolute certainty that if anything does happen between them, I will not be able to just forgive and forget. That will be the final breaking point.

that point

I have hit that point. The point where the depression and anger take over. It was a hard week last week. I smiled through it and tried to be my ‘normal’ self. But there was a turbulent storm going on behind the scenes. I have been spending Tuesday nights with my…now our…friend and my…now our…goddaughter, and he took Mondays. This week I am not able to see them on Tuesday. It’s happened before, and I ask if there is another day later in the week we can get together and it usually doesn’t work out because of my friend’s work schedule. So I miss out on those weeks. Last week I asked if we could meet on Monday night instead just skipping. I am tired of missing out because there is no other day that works and she usually only has Monday and Tuesday nights off. And the last several weeks, my friend has been spending her Monday and some Tuesday days with him. She is trying to find a new job and has been using his computer since they have the same days off. I get 2 hours at most once a week with them. He gets 8 or 10. I figured at the very least they could get together on Tuesday, but I figured they were going to be together all day on Monday. I was hoping it wouldn’t be a big deal if she left a few hours earlier than normal and met me at an indoor park for an hour or so. She said she would have to ask him. He didn’t like the idea at all. She said he purposely avoided giving her an answer. I didn’t feel like I was asking for too much. He has been spending a lot more time with them than I have. This is something that will come up every now and then and we will both have to compromise. She finally told him she needed an answer and he told her on Saturday that he guessed it would be fine. Since he’s the one who doesn’t want to see me, he needs to be somewhat flexible. I am not going to make this a routine about switching days. I will probably not ask again since it was such a big deal. I invited him to come to the park with us. It feels like he was trying to hurt me. When I called this afternoon to figure out times, guess where they were? Yep….his house. He still got to see her, and a whole lot longer than I did. So what was the big deal?

I have hit that point. The point where I am sick of sharing MY friend and MY goddaughter. It’s irrational. I know that he is the only stable male in my goddaughter’s life. And that they are important to each other. I know that he is a good thing for her. I know that he and my friend and now good friends and that she seeks his advice and guidance when things aren’t going right. I know that I shouldn’t feel this way. But I do. And I don’t know what to do about it. There is a large part of me at this point that is angry at both of them. My friend and I have known each other since the 8^th grade. She met him about 2 years ago. She asked me to be her daughter’s godmother. She didn’t know him at that point. He wasn’t there at her baptism. He doesn’t believe in God. He became her godfather months after he finally agreed to meet them after months of me asking him. I know that the relationship exists and that I can’t ask her to make a choice. I have tried so hard to be ok with it. But right now I am not. I don’t want to have to share them with someone who doesn’t want anything to do with me. I don’t want to have to wonder where she is when I call. I don’t want to hear about all the things they do when they are together. I don’t want to feel like I can’t be a part of their lives because there is a part I have to miss out on. What are we going to do when birthday’s come? Do we have to set up visitations for Christmas? How do we handle events where there is only one event and we should both be there? I am so afraid that I am not going to get asked. I am afraid that I am not as important now that WE are not together.

Our goddaughter went away for the weekend with her grandmother last weekend. She asked him to go see a movie. She didn’t think to ask me if I wanted to do something, I had to call her. I fear that I am losing her as a friend; that I am only around to see our goddaughter. There is a part of me that feels that I should be the one to bow out for a while. She doesn’t need me as much as she needs him. And I don’t want to hear about him. I can’t really talk to my friend about this. Then it becomes her problem. And it’s not. It’s ours…it’s mine. I don’t want to miss out, but I feel like I already am. I am angry because I know that this is a part of grieving. This is a part of figuring things out after ending a relationship that enveloped so much of our lives. I know I should feel this way, but shouldn’t all at the same time. I only have a small group of good friends, and at least 2 of them have become OUR friends. And in the ‘divorce’, I can’t help but feel he gets them both. It’s the grief and anger talking. But it makes me depressed and angry. Why do I have to share what was mine first?

MGK Mondays

This week has so far been a lot better than last. Though I did reinjure my ankle slightly. It was still a pretty good Monday. At work at least J So to continue the MGK Monday thoughts, here another good one from Cubeland.

Background: Fransico and his wife bought a house a little over a month ago. They are still fixing it up before they move in and are temporarily living with her parents. Gina is his mother in law and she is a stay at home wife who loves to have 2 other people to bustle about.

Diana: What are you eating Fransico?

Fransico: my breakfast. Gina made blueberry-strawberry-raspberry smoothies and egg sandwiches this morning.

Diana: so are you going to get up early and make yourself breakfast when you move into your new house, or is your wife?

Fransico: neither of us. We won’t eat breakfast. We will just to go work hungry and crabby. I’m not getting up any earlier and my wife doesn’t cook.

Diana: so what did you do for breakfast before you moved in with Gina?

Fransico: I don’t remember.

Fransico is a very easy going guy who is very funny. But that might all change once they move now that he’s been spoiled for breakfast.

MGK Monday

Today is a Monday is all it's glory. I don't feel like trying to appreciate this one in the least, however.

This morning, I completely forgot about a lab appt until just before I was supposed to be there. I was able to call and reschedule for an hour later. It gave me some time to pay bills so I am not going to look that gift horse in the mouth. I was leaving for the Dr.'s when my ankle went out on me. Thanks to an old soccer injury, my left ankle is very weak and the nerves are not where they are supposed to be. Every now and then it just 'goes out' aka. the nerve impulse is interrupted and I roll it. my biggest fear has always been this would happen when I was going down stairs. This morning fate was against me. I not only rolled it while stepping down a stair, after the loud distracting pop and flash of pain, I actually fell down the next 4 stairs on my knee. I crawled back up the 6 stairs and laid on the landing to put my ankle up until it stopped throbbing enough to crawl up the rest of the stairs to grab and ACE (thank you makers of ACE bandages...I could not live...errr walk without you somedays). Needless to write, i was 10 mins late to the rescheduled appt. And because of the blood draw, I couldn't take any Advil until AFTER the appt. Those 40 mins felt like days. My ankle and I are still not on speaking terms yet. It's been very slow moving.

I hate Mondays.

5 lbs down, 24 to go

i admit i might have cheated a bit this week. i am designing lights for a show an hour away which has left little time for things like eating. I did fast food one night...and it was gross. i packed a lunch and dinner the other nights, but i am lucky if i find time for either. but at least i am able to control the contents if each. i am sure at least a lbs is purely from not eating. i have been more active though. climbing stairs, lifting set pieces, painting like a mad woman, focusing really hot lights...not to mention my new office in Chaska is ready (that means lots of stairs). when i get home at 11pm i have tried to fit in a few sit ups and push ups while i am checking emails. it's been a long week, and i am exhausted. something tells me that is not as good for me.

on the plus side, tonight i discovered that vitamin 10 water is made with stevia and not the other fake sugars. my digestive system is not a fan of artificial sweeteners. i tend to get stomach cramps that make me feel physically sick. i have really tried to avoid them most of my adult life since making that correlation. but stevia doesn't seem to be as bad. i have discovered a low sugar drink that doesn't make me feel ill. what a great way to cut a little more calories out. i have tried to take the other route and just cut out sweet things. which is really ok since i crave salt instead of sugar. my blood pressure has always been pretty spot on so i never worried too much. this last physical it was a little high. yet another reason to shed the lbs.

its getting warmer (yea!) so hopefully i can get the bike out soon. as much as the ex doesn't think so, i really like riding (just not like a kamikaze pilot). nice and relaxing. it's the little things that should add up right? maybe i will get lucky and find a place to live that will leave me with enough money to get a gym membership that has a pool. i miss swimming.

the important thing is, while the scale teetered between a 1/2 lbs here and there this week, i have still made progress! yea for progress!

Old Posts

i was going through my word files, and found several posts that never made it to the blog. time to clean them up.

Whirl wind

Saturday, August 22, 2009 was a great day to be a Lutheran. I have thought for a while about how I wanted to address the ELCA vote. And I wanted to address it. I thought about being diplomatic and happy but more reserved. But in all honesty, I was ecstatic when the news broke with the results of the vote. Not because the ‘liberals’ won, or the ‘conservatives’ lost, but because I feel that it’s a step that truly opens the doors to all people. As a faithful Christian, I don’t believe God discriminates. And denying someone the ability to be ordained based solely on whom they love has never fit with my understanding of who God is and what God wants for his people. It flies in the face of unity to simply say you can have the passion but not the platform. I have friends in the ministry, who are every bit as qualified as my own pastors, who are not able to be called to their own congregation even if the congregation wants them there. If God himself has called someone who is homosexual to share his word and teach others, then who are we to tell God he is wrong. One of my dearest friends is gay (a Catholic gay). He looked at me one day after a particularly harsh discussion in one of our high school religious classes and said “why would I choose to be gay? Why would I choose to be judged and ostracized because I don’t find the opposite sex attractive? There is no way I would choose to live that way, it just is.” I didn’t have an answer for him. Ironically, none of those who were against homosexuality in the class had an answer either when I brought it up the next day.

I have major issues with people who are homophobic. Why do we as a society place so much emphasis on whom one has sex with? It’s fine for a man to have multiple partners. It’s horrible for women to talk about how many they have had. And if you are a homosexual (even those who have only had one partner) get the lowest rung of the totem pole. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. I think it’s disgusting to listen to people talk about all the people they have ‘been’ within the first place. How rude to those people. But for some, to listen to a gay man talk about how much he loves his boyfriend, or a woman talk about how wonderful her relationship is with her partner bring more than feelings of disgust. If someone is happy, in a healthy relationship based on trust and respect, then who is anyone else to judge?

The argument ‘it debases the sanctity of marriage’ is preposterous. When there are people who marry other people for money, sex, and trophy status…not to mention inebriated people in Vegas, and then get divorced just a few hours/days/months later are debasing the ‘sanctity of marriage’. And who is anyone else to decide what relationships are sacred? I am sure Brittany Spear’s marriages were wonderfully sacred. And don’t even get me started on those who say that because homosexuals can’t bear children, it makes their marriage less sacred. What about those straight people who choose to never have children? Theirs is better because they can? Shouldn’t be we applauding the homosexuals who have reached out to adopt children who are obviously unwanted by someone?

Narrow minded people piss me off!

Monday

Does one really need to add anything after that word. They are terrible. I was planning to start posting some of the funny antics of my co-workers and call it MGK Mondays as a way to make them more interesting. My co workers say some hilarious things. What a great way to look at Mondays...all the things I would miss if I weren't at work. But after this mornings commute, there was nothing that was making today light hearted. I am a cautious driver. I really like my car...and more importantly, it has a lean against it, so it technically belongs to the bank until I pay it off. I really don't want to total it because I can't afford to buy another one. Not to mention the guilt I would feel if I hurt someone. That being said, this morning was horrendous. I left the house early knowing I would be late no matter what I did. So there was no need to rush. I planned on taking it nice and slow. Well, trying to go north bound on 169 was not an option this morning. It was so backed up, traffic was solid right through the light where I get into the lane to get on the highway. I watched one guy try to cut in and slide into the ditch on the other side. So I decided to go to the next exit south (Canterbury Rd about 2 miles down the road) and turn around and go north. Yeah that was not happening either. That was just as backed up. I decided I would head to the Chaska plant instead and wait out the traffic. I got between Canterbury and the next exit (another mile down the road) when a BMW SUV came flying up behind me and almost clipped my tail to get into the other lane since I wasn't going fast enough for him. I had to slow down so he didn't slide into me as he went around me. (And yes I had visual confirmation it was indeed a male. I am not being sexist.) That's when I realized it was pure ice under the snow. Now I like roller coasters, but this is one I never wish to ride again. Growing up in Minnesota, one is always told to turn into the spin and not out, and tap your breaks even if you have ABS. Probably the only things that kept me from hurting my car, and/or someone else. I did a 360 spin out and ended up off the side of the road. Thankfully I slid off the right and not the left. No ditch on the right. I still got pretty stuck, but at least my car was alright...and so was I. Aside from being completely pissed and shaking. Another good thing about learning to drive in this state...I knew how to get out: pack the snow around the tire so it had something to turn against. Still took me 30 mins to get it all packed in, all the while soaking my shoes, socks, and pants. I waited until there was a significant break in traffic before attempting to get back on the road. The next person behind me was 500 feet back when I got back on. The person 'behind' me decided to switch lanes and not slow down, even though all they had to do was take their foot off the gas pedal. Always fun to watch someone try to stop and realize they can't. 'He' started to spin out, and 'she' was not slowing down. I punched the gas the best I could to get my car to move ahead as fast as possible so this car wouldn't hit me. Too close for comfort. The car stopped spinning about 5 feet from my back bumper. This was the point I decided I was not going to attempt to drive to Chaska on the frozen river that was 169. I turned around at the next exit (which was only a few yards in front of me at this point) and attempt to go home and wait it out and try again a little later. 169 north was in much better shape (more people to trample the snow down) and even though I was only going 5 mph, at least we were making progress. So I kept going. 2 1/2 hours later I finally made it to work. I saw 12 people in the ditch on my 3 south and then 3 miles north on 169 this morning. I was one of them. I was lucky there was no one around to hit, and that I didn't do any damage. Not an experience I ever care to have again.

So there were no funny anecdotes from work today. I am sure the people around me were saying amusing things, I just wasn't paying attention. I spent the whole day exhausted from crashing after the endorphin rush that was my morning commute, and shaking for hours. It was intense. If I hadn't been on vacation for part of last week and didn't have 200 emails still to go through, I would have gone home and crawled back into bed and not moved. If I had access to my email, or a company laptop to sign in from at home, I would never have attempted it. Tomorrow I have to be in Chaska for a meeting at 9:15. If the drive is anywhere near as hazardous, I will not attempt it. I like my job, but I like not hyperventilating in my car far more.