The post I couldn't post :)

i am ready to share this post. i wrote it back in the beginning of april. april 8th i believe. i have been hanging on to it until the time felt right.

The post I can’t post. At least not yet. Not until a few more things are worked out. Not until I have told a few people. Not until the papers are signed and the inspection is complete and the all clear is given. Not until I pinch myself a few more times to see if this is real. I am writing this now, but I can’t post it until later. I just became a home owner. Well, I just found out there is a very real possibility that I will be a home owner in the next few weeks.

This has been the longest process I have ever experienced. If someone told me 2 years ago that this would take 22 months, with 4 different price points, and seriously about 60 homes, I would have told them they were crazy. It was 24 ½ months since I gave up my apartment in Minneapolis to buy a house with the man I thought I was destined to spend the rest of my life with. I packed up everything I owned and moved it all to his father’s basement to wait until we found a place of our own. Between moving and prequalifying, his losing his job, finding a new job, losing that job, finding yet another with a lot less pay involved, then me losing mine, being told to move out of his father’s house by him, me finding awesome job, and moving my belongings to my mother’s garage: all my earthly possessions, save my clothes, my bed, a few books, and my plants, have been in storage for 24 months. I am not even sure what I own any more. And it might finally all be coming out of storage to be gone through and decided what is really important and what is no longer needed.

This is not how I thought this would end. I honestly thought we would be doing this together. That this was the first real big step that we needed to make to declare our intentions to be together until death did us part. I thought we would be partners in this whole process. When I started looking again on my own a few months ago, it was still for us. A place where we didn’t have to live with anyone else. Where we could make our own rules. Where we would be forced to make it work because we were in this together. But also a place he didn’t feel he needed to stress about financially. And if he didn’t want to move in with me right away, he didn’t have to. I never thought I would be doing this on my own. This was not what I had in mind. Yet somehow, it makes the accomplishment that much more. I did do it on my own. I was the one who went and looked at this place. My mom saw a few of the others, but not this one. I was the one who decided what to offer. I was the one who wrote the check. I don’t have to share this with anyone. (Ok so I am actually getting the down payment as a gift from family, but I still have to pay the earnest money and inspection fees, ect.) I feel like I have actually grown up. At least I have taken a giant step towards being a full fledged adult.

I am scared to death. I know logically I can afford it. But how in the world and I going to pay for it? The thoughts of a second job are already floating in my mind. I can make it, but there is going to be little cushion. What happens if something goes wrong? Although this does mean I can officially change my tax status to 1. Because I am a homeowner. That’s going to take some getting used to. I don’t need to worry about panicking when I see the papers, I am already.

This is mine. It will be my house. I don’t have to accommodate anyone but myself. I get to be that fiercely independent person I have always been. I wonder if that will really be a good thing. Being so stubbornly independent is what got me where I am today…but it’s also what’s gotten me where I am today. It’s made me successful in my career, if that’s what I can call it. But it’s also led to the demise of my personal relationships. I will one day find someone who will admire that. I know that. And maybe this will actually help me let go a little since nothing ever works out the way one expects when you own your own place. Perhaps this will teach me about perspective. Perhaps this will encourage me to not take everything so seriously.

This means I will not be moving to Arizona. Katie wants me to. I want to be near Katie. I will just have to visit more often. Yes it was a serious consideration. After everything else that’s gone on here, the idea of packing up and starting over somewhere else, sounded oddly comforting. The chance to start over fresh with only a few people who knew who I was or what I was about had a very real draw to it. We might have to see how things pan out. It’s only 2 years until I can sell right? And by then things should have turned around, right? With this as an investment, who knows what it could be worth in a few years? But for now I am staying in Minnesota. I am staying at MGK. But it doesn’t mean I might finally be able to go back to school without worrying about a student loan messing things up.

Allie is sleeping in my bed tonight. I look at her and think this is going to be a rarity from now on. She will have to come over for special sleepovers, but she will not just crawl into my bed because she is scared, or cold, or just wants to be near Auntee Mollee. I am thankful to have her to cuddle up to as I ponder all of this tonight. My mom is in her bed. Soon she will have her room back. She can buy the kitchen table she wants. She can fully enjoy her new home. She has been inconvenienced by him and his selfish decisions too. It was her new house; she shouldn’t have had to make the sacrifices she has. I am thankful I am able to stay here, but it’s time for me to move on. It’s time for her to stretch out and relax in her room and not have to worry about keeping me up. I haven’t told her yet. I still need time to ponder what this will mean. It’s the next big chapter for me. I am scared, and nervous, and excited all at the same time. I want to process this in my own way. I am a bit fatalistic. This could still not happen. We are ‘fast tracking’ this. I could close in 2 or 3 weeks if all works out. It’s going to move fast, especially once everyone knows. Then it’s real. Then I have to start planning. There are appliances that need to be purchased. Painting and repairing that need to be done. Carpets that need to be cleaned. Inspections to pass. Loans to be authorized. And once everyone knows, everyone will want to help. I am imagining the whirlwind now. I want a night for this to be mine. For my heart only. Hence sitting here typing away on the computer.

I am not sure what I will do if this doesn’t work out. I really don’t want to start all over again. This process has been very long and very tiring. There are only so many houses to look at. There is a very logical part of me that says this isn’t over until the papers are signed and the keys are in my hand. There is a part of me telling me not to get too excited yet. There are still a few unknowns. Maybe they didn’t really accept my offer. Maybe this isn’t my stop on the real estate train. But there is a small part of me ready to burst with excitement. That wants to shout it to whoever will hear it: I just might be a new homeowner. All by myself. I just bought my first home!ho