8 lbs, 21 to go

It’s been a while since I have updated this aspect of life. And it’s a lot easier to think about. I have not really done anything spectacular in the last few weeks. I am up to…down to…which ever, 8 pounds lost. To be honest I have been fluctuating between 7 and 8. I think it depends on what time of day I step on the scale…honestly. I have been too lax on getting in the sit ups and pushups. I bought a small adjustable weight set. That’s still in the box in the garage. It would be easier to convince myself to take them out and use them if I had a place of my own and didn’t have to worry about inconveniencing someone else with them. And if I had a place to keep them. And the thought of carrying 40 lbs of weights up the stairs to bring them back down (hopefully) in a few weeks, does not appeal to me. I have enough stuff to worry about gathering.

The plan was to do sit ups and pushups at least 3 times a week while watching an episode of some hour long show on my computer. That means about 47 minutes of sit ups and pushups (with admittedly a little rest in between). This week I have not been so good about it. I have been battle the cold/allergy/crud thing going around and I have been too tired to watch TV. Lame. I am still trying to figure out when I got so old. The dog and I went on an extra long walk the other day. She was pretty exhausted when we got home. She’s not used to the exercise either. Now that it’s nicer, hopefully we can both keep up the long walks and both lose a little weight and take some stress off our joints. Her excuse is that she is almost 8 years old. Mine, I have been too lazy to do anything about the extra weight for years.

I have done nothing special with food these last few weeks. I am still taking my lunch to work. I have made sure to have some fruit or vegetables with it. I have signed up for emails from a web site called www.hungrygirl.com. They have some amazing swap out recipes that I can’t wait to have a kitchen to try! A friend gave me one of their cookbooks for my birthday a few months ago. I haven’t made anything out of it. My family is too picky. And there is still not a whole lot of room to store ‘extra’ food with the other 4 people who live here. And it’s hard to fight for kitchen space when it comes to meal time. Something else I hope to rectify sooner than later. I have made one major change. It was more of a way to make sure I am getting enough vitamin D than as a weight loss tool. I picked up some carnation instant breakfast and have made one each morning before going to work and drinking it during the commute. It’s not sugar free, but it contains protein so it at least seems to be curbing the appetite. And it has 25% of the daily recommended dose of vitamin D! For someone who’s levels are so low her body is no longer absorbing calcium efficiently, this is very happy news. Only a few more weeks of mega supplements (which hadn’t done anything in the first 6 weeks), so I need to make sure to be getting enough. It is surprising the links that vitamin D has with weight loss. Hopefully this will also help regulate my metabolism a little better.

I have made a promise to myself to be more diligent about posting about my week. That way if nothing else, I have a record of what I did on what week, and what worked the best. I just have to remember that it’s the little things that add up. Both good and bad. I have made some progress. That in and of itself is encouraging. Time to step it up.

Overreacting: the Break Up Edition

Continuation of the last post. I got to go and play with my goddaughter and her mother. My sister and Allie came too. We had a good time. I chased my goddaughter and Allie all over the play place. We went down slides, we climbed up platforms. We laughed. It felt good. The girls were exhausted. We determined it was time to go. Allie wanted to ride home with me, so we waited to them to get their stuff and we all walked out to the cars. My friend smiled and said my goddaughter would be asleep in no time. She had had a rough day. She didn't get the job she was hoping for. The one that would allow her more time with her daughter. She said that when she told my ex, he didn’t understand why she was so upset. She was exhausted too.

I talked to her the next day. I was at work and we were texting. I asked her how her day was. I asked her if my goddaughter had indeed fallen asleep on the way home. That was when she said it. ‘yeah she fell asleep, but then she woke back up when we left his house.’ She had left Allie and I and had gone back to his house. She told me they usually watch non-PG movies on Monday nights after my goddaughter falls asleep on his couch. I know she doesn’t go to sleep until close to 10pm. They are literally over there all day, evening, and most of the night on Mondays. That was how I found out exactly how much time they have been spending together. It felt like I had inconvenienced them by asking to have dinner with her. That she had agreed to meet me to humor me. it felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. I had to ask the next question, though I was pretty sure I didn’t want to hear the answer. ‘what is going on between the two of you?’. Her response was to ask me what I was talking about. Really? Was this question really that out of the blue? She has just pretty much told me she is spending one entire day a week with him, and lately he is all she talks about. What was I supposed to think?

Let’s move this away from the actual people in my narrative. Let’s make them hypothetical people. Guy breaks up with girl after dating her for more than 5 years. Within two weeks, he is spending 8-12 hours a week with someone, who is a really good friend of his ex-girl, and the girl’s daughter that he has become like a godfather too. Because of how close both girls were, he became good friends with this girl too. Guy and girl talk everyday on the phone by admission of girl. Girl breaks up with her boyfriend and makes the comment that all she wants right now if sex with no strings attached. Guy has said the same thing on multiple occasions to both girl and ex-girl. Every time the girls get together, all the girl talks about is the guy. Then, ex-girl finds out in casual conversation, that the girl, after spending an evening with the ex-girl, says she needs to get home because of very tired child and instead leaves to go see the guy so they can watch a movie and hang out some more. (not to mention with a sleeping child!) What conclusions do you draw?

I told her I was really upset by how much time they have been spending together. Especially after the big deal she made about me asking to see her a different night. She says it’s only on Mondays and not like it’s more. There is nothing going on, they are just good friends. I told her I think I need to take a break for a while. I just can’t handle sharing right now. She makes a comment about how that would be my choice then and that’s fine if that’s what I want. She is upset with me for being upset. But what gets me is the opportunity for them to try something more exists. I didn’t realize they were spending so much time together. Because I have a full time office job, I am not available to spend all day on her days off with them. I get a few hours until my goddaughter needs to go home and go to bed. I know that they have had plans to spend more than one day a week together when she has Tuesdays off too and actually have a few times. She has told me that. I feel betrayed. This is not the first time the ex has started spending a lot of time with one of my dearest friends after we have called it quits.

Am I over reacting? Probably. It’s been a rough few weeks in dealing with this whole breakup thing. This has not made things easier. I apologized for the way I sprung all this on her. I reacted to what she said. I was hurt and totally upset. I walked into the bathroom and cried at work. I was shaking and felt sick. i really did feel awful that I had heaped this on with everything she was going through with not getting the job she wanted. She accepted the apology but has not taken responsibility for her part. I need to find a way to let it go. It’s not helping in the healing process. She has said she won’t talk about him anymore. There is a huge part of me that wants to find the banking job she wants. Then she works on Mondays. And he will only get a night too. It’s awful and spiteful. But it’s the truth. I can say with an absolute certainty that if anything does happen between them, I will not be able to just forgive and forget. That will be the final breaking point.

that point

I have hit that point. The point where the depression and anger take over. It was a hard week last week. I smiled through it and tried to be my ‘normal’ self. But there was a turbulent storm going on behind the scenes. I have been spending Tuesday nights with my…now our…friend and my…now our…goddaughter, and he took Mondays. This week I am not able to see them on Tuesday. It’s happened before, and I ask if there is another day later in the week we can get together and it usually doesn’t work out because of my friend’s work schedule. So I miss out on those weeks. Last week I asked if we could meet on Monday night instead just skipping. I am tired of missing out because there is no other day that works and she usually only has Monday and Tuesday nights off. And the last several weeks, my friend has been spending her Monday and some Tuesday days with him. She is trying to find a new job and has been using his computer since they have the same days off. I get 2 hours at most once a week with them. He gets 8 or 10. I figured at the very least they could get together on Tuesday, but I figured they were going to be together all day on Monday. I was hoping it wouldn’t be a big deal if she left a few hours earlier than normal and met me at an indoor park for an hour or so. She said she would have to ask him. He didn’t like the idea at all. She said he purposely avoided giving her an answer. I didn’t feel like I was asking for too much. He has been spending a lot more time with them than I have. This is something that will come up every now and then and we will both have to compromise. She finally told him she needed an answer and he told her on Saturday that he guessed it would be fine. Since he’s the one who doesn’t want to see me, he needs to be somewhat flexible. I am not going to make this a routine about switching days. I will probably not ask again since it was such a big deal. I invited him to come to the park with us. It feels like he was trying to hurt me. When I called this afternoon to figure out times, guess where they were? Yep….his house. He still got to see her, and a whole lot longer than I did. So what was the big deal?

I have hit that point. The point where I am sick of sharing MY friend and MY goddaughter. It’s irrational. I know that he is the only stable male in my goddaughter’s life. And that they are important to each other. I know that he is a good thing for her. I know that he and my friend and now good friends and that she seeks his advice and guidance when things aren’t going right. I know that I shouldn’t feel this way. But I do. And I don’t know what to do about it. There is a large part of me at this point that is angry at both of them. My friend and I have known each other since the 8^th grade. She met him about 2 years ago. She asked me to be her daughter’s godmother. She didn’t know him at that point. He wasn’t there at her baptism. He doesn’t believe in God. He became her godfather months after he finally agreed to meet them after months of me asking him. I know that the relationship exists and that I can’t ask her to make a choice. I have tried so hard to be ok with it. But right now I am not. I don’t want to have to share them with someone who doesn’t want anything to do with me. I don’t want to have to wonder where she is when I call. I don’t want to hear about all the things they do when they are together. I don’t want to feel like I can’t be a part of their lives because there is a part I have to miss out on. What are we going to do when birthday’s come? Do we have to set up visitations for Christmas? How do we handle events where there is only one event and we should both be there? I am so afraid that I am not going to get asked. I am afraid that I am not as important now that WE are not together.

Our goddaughter went away for the weekend with her grandmother last weekend. She asked him to go see a movie. She didn’t think to ask me if I wanted to do something, I had to call her. I fear that I am losing her as a friend; that I am only around to see our goddaughter. There is a part of me that feels that I should be the one to bow out for a while. She doesn’t need me as much as she needs him. And I don’t want to hear about him. I can’t really talk to my friend about this. Then it becomes her problem. And it’s not. It’s ours…it’s mine. I don’t want to miss out, but I feel like I already am. I am angry because I know that this is a part of grieving. This is a part of figuring things out after ending a relationship that enveloped so much of our lives. I know I should feel this way, but shouldn’t all at the same time. I only have a small group of good friends, and at least 2 of them have become OUR friends. And in the ‘divorce’, I can’t help but feel he gets them both. It’s the grief and anger talking. But it makes me depressed and angry. Why do I have to share what was mine first?

MGK Mondays

This week has so far been a lot better than last. Though I did reinjure my ankle slightly. It was still a pretty good Monday. At work at least J So to continue the MGK Monday thoughts, here another good one from Cubeland.

Background: Fransico and his wife bought a house a little over a month ago. They are still fixing it up before they move in and are temporarily living with her parents. Gina is his mother in law and she is a stay at home wife who loves to have 2 other people to bustle about.

Diana: What are you eating Fransico?

Fransico: my breakfast. Gina made blueberry-strawberry-raspberry smoothies and egg sandwiches this morning.

Diana: so are you going to get up early and make yourself breakfast when you move into your new house, or is your wife?

Fransico: neither of us. We won’t eat breakfast. We will just to go work hungry and crabby. I’m not getting up any earlier and my wife doesn’t cook.

Diana: so what did you do for breakfast before you moved in with Gina?

Fransico: I don’t remember.

Fransico is a very easy going guy who is very funny. But that might all change once they move now that he’s been spoiled for breakfast.

MGK Monday

Today is a Monday is all it's glory. I don't feel like trying to appreciate this one in the least, however.

This morning, I completely forgot about a lab appt until just before I was supposed to be there. I was able to call and reschedule for an hour later. It gave me some time to pay bills so I am not going to look that gift horse in the mouth. I was leaving for the Dr.'s when my ankle went out on me. Thanks to an old soccer injury, my left ankle is very weak and the nerves are not where they are supposed to be. Every now and then it just 'goes out' aka. the nerve impulse is interrupted and I roll it. my biggest fear has always been this would happen when I was going down stairs. This morning fate was against me. I not only rolled it while stepping down a stair, after the loud distracting pop and flash of pain, I actually fell down the next 4 stairs on my knee. I crawled back up the 6 stairs and laid on the landing to put my ankle up until it stopped throbbing enough to crawl up the rest of the stairs to grab and ACE (thank you makers of ACE bandages...I could not live...errr walk without you somedays). Needless to write, i was 10 mins late to the rescheduled appt. And because of the blood draw, I couldn't take any Advil until AFTER the appt. Those 40 mins felt like days. My ankle and I are still not on speaking terms yet. It's been very slow moving.

I hate Mondays.