The aftermath

It’s over. The night has ended. Everyone is home. Everyone is safe. And I am left with all of this. The feelings. The emotions. The numbness and yet intense pain.

He arrived early. Probably for the best. Let us get a firm footing before adding others to the mix. I was talking to my neighbor. I was trying to prolong being alone with him. To acknowledging he was here. In the flesh. After 8 years. It was happening. The reconnection. I hid for a few mins. Trying to assess what was happening. How this was going to work. He was here. And I wasn’t sure how to react. But I was happy. The moment is still fresh. I can still see it. The car. His tentative smile. Mine in return. It was him. A few years older. But the eyes and the smile were the same. We stood there awkwardly for a few seconds. Pretending we knew what to do and this was no big deal. The years and the miles scorched away for a few seconds. We were just us. Two friends. Separated by only a few days, months maybe, but not years. We stepped inside. Alone for the first time. And he opened his arms. Everything melted away. Here he stood. One of my best friends from yesterday. His embrace was gentle and warm and I gladly accepted it. Was grateful for the offer. It is a moment I will lock away. In that hug was relief, comfort, forgiveness, and maybe just a little bliss. A chance for us each to atone for the silence. A moment I may never forget. We were there. Two friends. The past intermingled with the now. Whatever came next we could handle.

Then words. Trying to fill the space. Still slightly uncomfortable what to say. A silent understanding to leave the past unspoken for now. Try and fill the space of now. A tour of my home. To introduce him to the me of today. The 30 seconds of catch up carefully avoiding the few landmines that hung there. The mention of the girlfriend. Joy and sorrow truly mixed. Joy that he has found peace. Sorrow for the conversations that might never happen. It would be unfair of me to remind him of the wounds. I know I will like her. I see what she has done for him. She must be amazing. And honestly, I can’t wait to meet her. She is going to give up everything to be with him, and he is willing to let her. She must be wonderful. He loves her deeply. And I know I will love her too. In time. If he lets me.

Sorrow. A sorrow I didn’t know I would feel. The finality is there. There is no chance to rekindle anything. Confusion whether I wanted to. We were in the past. Our present is not connected to that time. He is committed. I respect that. I will support him because he needs that. He deserves that. And I am genuinely happy for him. Even though I died a little. My heart sank yet soared. And it came to me. Suddenly. Unexpectedly. I love him. The intensity stole the breath from my lungs for a moment. I love him. Still. Truly. Honestly. Profoundly. He was some mysterious sway over me even years later. After all the silence. After the non answers. The anger. The frustrations. The pain. It’s still there. Pulling my heart in a direction it forgot. I would be content to be by his side. But he has chosen another. And my heart is warmed to see him happy. And I am not miserable to know this, yet crushed that fate has been sealed.

But I thought I was past this. All of this. Past him. Past the connection my heart felt when we were together. Past the stabbing pain when someone would mention his name. Past never being able to look at his picture. I had moved forward as well. Loved another. Was content with another. Have I been lying to myself? Was the ex right? Do I still ‘pine’ for him? Will I always love him? Does that mean I will not be able to fully love another? Or will speaking it make it less powerful? Or is the heart simply wondrous enough to find room for it all? Do I want this feeling to go away? I just wasn’t prepared to feel this way. Anger, yes. Joy, yes. Love…no. I cherish those few minuets we had alone. To let the range of emotions sweep over me. To give me a chance to just experience them. I am not sure if I hid them from him. I tried. It would be unfair of me to show him this.

People arrived. Hellos all around. I gave him space to reacquaint with others. To get to know them again too. To reconnect with the others from yesterday. I think he needed us. Needed to be surrounded by people who once knew him. People who still support him. People who will surround him if he will let us. We want to be his friends. We want him to know he’s welcome here. That when he hits these crossroads, he’s not alone.

The evening was spent laughing. Joking. Catching up. Talking about nothing in particular. Grilling, eating, drinking. The things we all did best. The things we all enjoy. The conversation flowed. No one brought up the silence. No one asked why. We just accepted that today was today and it was good enough for all of us. It was fun. It was enjoyable. It was healing. And it was needed. It had been too long. We are not the same. But that didn’t mean we couldn’t be friends. We could forgive and forget and be in the moment. I hope others felt this way. I hope it will happen again. I hope that it was a beginning. Because I don’t want to cut him out. No matter how I feel.

I want you to be happy; even while my heart is crumbling. Exposed to the cruel light of reality. A reality I didn’t know existed. A reality I think I didn’t want to know. It hurt. I looked through my pictures from college tonight. An album I keep in a drawer. I haven’t looked at them in a long time. I have 10 pictures of us. Images that set my heart ablaze. 10 pictures of a time when we were us before all of this. 10 pictures that I can only look at on occasion because they make me sad. They remind me of your loss, both love and kinship. But tonight, I wanted to remember. Because tonight I remembered how much I love you. I know now that I love you enough to stand by you and celebrate your love to someone else. I love you enough to finally let you go. Enough to see how happy you are. To know that the musings of who we were and what we might have been are mine and mine alone. I love you enough to keep the thoughts of who we could be buried. And finally move on for real. You are wonderful, complicated, and amazing. Please understand though how much my heart is aching for you. How hard this is for me. And how much I wish you all the happiness the world can offer. How much I have no intention of ever telling you any of this. I love you enough for this.

We are something special when our lives intersect. I desire, more than anything else, to be your friend. You make me better. Your friendship makes me whole. You complete me in your understanding of me. Your ability to put my mind at peace proves that. We are friends. I’ve missed you, my friend. I have shed tears tonight for all we could have been. For all the memories of a future my mind had long forgotten. For all that we have missed all these years. The connection still thrives. Our lives will forever intersect.

I have cried to God himself for guidance. You need to be happy and complete. And so do I. And if being on the sidelines means being able to be your friend, then I will be there. I know I will find that kind of love too. The completeness that comes from entwining my life to another. We will both find it. All we’ve searched for. And it won’t be together. My tears will be answered. Our hearts will be filled. But please, dear Matthew, promise we will be friends. That’s all I ask you. That’s what I pray for. That tonight is not good bye. That the last few hours were a breathtaking hello. That the foundation has been laid to a new kind of kinship. I pray also that tomorrow the light will be warm and kind and the offer of friendship will be there. That the healing can be completed.

I promise you my heart will heal. The pain will lessen. The smile on my lips will be real. This time I have closure. The thing I was denied before. I have heard the truth from you. It won’t stop me from loving you. But it also won’t change my desire to be your friend. It’s been a long time, and I have missed you. Don’t let this be goodbye.

The build up

the time has come. I knew it would happen eventually. I always assumed it would be because the circumstances made it happen. not a conscious choice by either of us. Someone else would drive it and we would just be along for the ride. That's how it was supposed to happen. I was prepared for that. and it was becoming clear that that time was drawing near. A birthday party in august? A wedding next fall? I was not prepared for this. A plan begun by both of us. On our terms. Our choice. Our doing. But for me, the feelings are spiraling out of control. I'm sick to my stomach, nervous, scared, excited, elated, and very confused. In 4 short hours I will see him again. In the flesh. In 4 hours he will me at my house. He will have to talk to me. Honestly communicate with me for the first time in 8 years.
I am so out of my element. I can handle emotions. I can be emotional. But there are no names for the ones shaking my fingers, nerves, and heart. I am anxious for tonight to be here. I am petrified to see him again. I am overjoyed he wanted to come. I've missed him more than I thought, but at the same time I have no idea who he is any longer. I want to prolong the anticipation because I am scared. How will it go? What do we do? How do we act? What is the pretense? Old college friends? Two people who were once more then friends? Just former classmates?
I am close to tears. How will this feel? How do I want it to feel? Is there anyway to truly prepare to see the person you once wanted to spend your life with? it's all out of my control, i don't like not being in control.

it happened so suddenly. a statements about being at crossroads. it sounded like he could hear some positive words. an offering to have people over to share wine and laughter. An honest offer. Usually side stepped. Or ignored. Then the actual reply. Not in comment to my comment. A deliberate message sent to me. 'definatley.' And dates. He was coming to town. He wanted to see people. I set something up. Was I testing him? Was I challenging him? Did I really expect him too follow through? Yes. Yes. no. it's been 8 years since I last talked to him. He implicitly cut me out. He expressly told others he wanted no contact with me. I walked away heart broken. I didn't know how to fight for him. There has been little contact since. A few emails. An almost apology for the many years of silence. A few facebook comments. Nothing consistent. So why now?

I'm scared by how I'm feeling. For all the thoughts and emotions. I don't know how to feel. I don't know how I want tonight to turn out. I'm terrified that this is isolated. That after tonight we go back to silence. That would be far more painful than last time. last time he was my best friend. I loved him so deeply I would have given up almost anything to spend forever with him. I was a different person with him. I allowed myself to be vulnerable with him. I was still headstrong and independent, but he offered me the support I needed and was there to let me fall apart when everything was just too much. No judgment. Just to hold me and let me be weak. And I let myself be that person with him. It was just who he was. and then he just walked away. no good bye. no hateful words. no explanation to anyone. just gone. I miss what we were. I miss joking and laughing and watching cartoons. I miss the cooking and drinking competitions. I miss the conspiracies. I miss my best friend.

But the feelings were not mutual. i have to conclude they weren't. wouldn't we have tried harder if they were? And now we are not the same people. we are not in the same place. we have both been invovled with other people. he is involved now. I fear having to alter my image of him; of having to reconcile then with now. afraid but maybe also hoping they are not the same people. But I wouldn't miss tonight for the world. I'm so excited to show him who I am. I am elated to think maybe we can slowly rebuild a new kind of friendship. His response blew me out of the water. The joy I felt was almost tangible.

And of course a will not be alone. I don't know if I would be able to do this alone. I doubt he would have agreed to. So it's truly going to be a gathering. My best friend and her husband, once his roomate, will be there. He cut them out too. we will be there for each other. They were almost as shocked as I was. A mutal friend whom he mostly kept in contact. Another friend who is more neutral. There will be plenty of people to diffuse the awkwardness. To carry the conversation when it lulls. To laugh and enjoy everyone's company. I am grateful to be able to spend the evening with friends.

I want tonight to be over. To be able to analyze it all. I want tonight to be hours away. So I can prepare. But more than anything, I want it to be time. 3 more hours.

New phone :)

My Blackberry finally just had too many issues. It was time to upgrade, in a big way. I have to admit I didn't really want to. I liked my phone. But I just couldn't deal with the unreliability any more. It's my only phone, my only computer. So I went to the store and walked out with a new Nexus X. A purely Google phone. A huge step up. So far, I'm loving it. I did have every Google App available for the Blackberry. So it was only natural to go all Google. Right? So besides all the cool stuff I can download (seriously, how have I missed Angry Birds), I can blog again! With work being so crazy, I have no time to blog. It was way too hard to do this on the Crackberry. I have been keeping a journal. It's going to take time to get it all on here, but there are two entries I have to get off my chest. This last week was a little surreal. it was wonderful and frightening at the same time. but perhaps I should just let the next entry speak for itself.