Chaos

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And yet, amidst the chaos and pain, the show must go on.

And as my wise friend added…and yet, amidst the sadness, love endures and sustains.

Yesterday I wasn’t feeling the greatest.  I was still recovering from a small bout of food poison that left my stomach in ruins on Monday.  I needed to get out on the bike.  My last 2 rides were too far apart and both felt awful.  My muscles hurt, my breathing was off, I felt wiped after both rides…and they were only 8.5 miles.  My shortest in months. I have 3 loads of laundry that need to be put away.    My house needs to be cleaned.  Really cleaned.  Top to bottom cleaned and organized before we get into production.  I have a grant to revise and get out for comments before we go into production.  I have work to catch up on after being out on Monday.  I have work to catch up on since I am still doing more than my job title can handle.  I have work to catch up on because with all the other things, I am very easily distracted.  I feel pulled in a million different directions and it’s stressing me out.  My life feels like chaos.  I knew yesterday was not going to be a great day before I even got out of bed.  I had no idea how true those thoughts would turn out to be.

I arrived late at work after trying to calm a headache (not enough water Monday).  I felt out of sorts and unprepared for my Tuesday meeting.  But I was going to make the most of it and get as much done as I could.  I ran my reports, got my first count done for the day, returned a few phone calls.  Behind, but moving forward; not a terrible start to a day.  All I needed was a little I Heart Radio to motivate me to keep going.  And that’s when I saw the smiley text message icon.  Why are they smiley?  The information in that text was nothing to smile about.  It was about to turn my whole day on its head…and it had barely started.

One of my best friends sent a text: Her mother-in-law had suffered a ruptured aneurysm and had been airlifted from East Grand Forks to Abbot Northwestern Hospital in the cities.  They had run all the reflex and EEG tests Monday night.  They indicated no response.  They were running them again at noon.  Please pray.

Nothing brings life into clearer focus than sudden tragic news.  Problems become trivial when you hear of life and death struggles so close to home.  Your heart stops.  Stomach drops.  You forget to breathe.  Your eyes overflow.  And you forget to worry about all the little things.  Even if only for a few moments.  And the only thing that matters in those few precious moments is love. 

Those moments are a reminder that life is fragile and truly unpredictable.  That the only thing we can give to one another that is lasting is our feelings…good or bad…and the words and actions that accompany them.  Those moments are spent thinking of the people that continually change your life.  Those that waking up without tomorrow would be unbearable.  You recall last conversations; did you make sure to tell them you loved them?  When was the last time you reached out and just let them know you think about them?  You start to write mental letters to send, jump on Facebook to say a quick hello, grab your phone to send that text.  You tuck these people a little tighter in your heart, because right now, that’s where you need them most. 

The next moments are spent alternately thinking of those you’ve hurt.  The conversations that ended cruelly.  Words that were said that you want to take back right now, even if you meant them at the time.  Wounds resurface and guilt springs anew.  You find yourself wishing you could change the outcome, just so you wouldn’t feel so badly about it right now.  Mostly, you wish that if you left this world right now, this would not be how they would remember you.     

Then you return the real moment.  One of those people that you love is hurting.  And you can’t take it away.  There is no magic cure.  All you can offer is a shoulder, a kind word, an offer to handle the mundane things that are needed to keep the rest of the world moving.  There are animals that need to be fed.  Phone calls that need to be made.  Mail needs to be checked.  Food must be consumed.  For them the world has stopped.  Time is a holding pattern.  The ‘show is going on’ without them for a time.  All you can do is love them until the answers are known.

For my friend, there is no happy ending.  No joyful insights.  The second test confirmed the first, there was no response.  The damage was too great.  The machines were keeping her body alive, but her soul was gone.  I know there is nothing I can do for her or her husband but be here to support them in their grief.  All those things I needed to do yesterday are not as important today.  Making sure they take the time to eat and sleep is.  Taking care of them so they can take care of each other.  Their life is in chaos.  I cannot make the pain go away, but I can try and contain some of the chaos.  In the end, all they are left with, all we are left with, is the love we have for each other.  It is all we have to sustain and carry us through when the rest of the world pushes on, and ours is standing still.

Popularity Contest

You've heard people say it again and again: life is not some big popularity contest. It's meant to mean well. To cheer us up when something just doesn't add up the way we want it. It's meant to raise our self esteem. To make us feel better about something. To make is feel we are all equal. But when you really break it all down, isn't this all a lie?

Life really is one big popularity contest. It is who you know. It's how people perceive you. And yes ladies, it is about how you look. And I'm not being a negative Nancy. It's not always a bad thing. Popularity is subjective, and it's not permanent. I might be popular at church, but not as much at work. Popular means 2 different things in this context. Popular at church means people know who I am. I am reliable, passionate about 'my' kids, trustworthy. There's a reason I've been asked to be on council twice in 6 years. Popularity equals dedication. It's a mixed blessing.

At work, I am popular when there is a problem. In all seriousness, if I was up for a position against say Diana, no contest she would get it. She's outgoing. She's a customer people person. She understands corporate wine and dine. I work in the trenches. I deal with boring things like buying things and keeping inventory correct. Important yes. But certainly not glamorous. I'm practical. The joke is if you hear from me, something is wrong. I work behind the scenes to make the boss look good. And in this context, I'm ok with not being popular. The only edge I would have is with a regulatory position. I can do mundane details and government bureaucracy. Most people would rip their hair out. I say bring it on.

And it's deeper than just this. Being 30 and single, I'm not the first person to be noticed when I go out. I'm short, slightly overweight, and (gulp) starting to go grey. I'm not 20, blond, and skinny. And yes men are attracted to different types, but stereotypes exist because there is some truth behind them. Might not be fair, but it is real. I am not outgoing. I'm not going to try and get attention with my actions, looks, and attitude. I'm not 'popular'. Never have been and never will be. But I can offer more once popular gets old. Loyalty. I'm not looking for the next 'high'. I'm not interested in the 'right' party, bar opening, or celebrity. I'm will still be the same person tomorrow. I'm not constantly looking for more. Social popularity relies on fads. Loyalty doesn't. I'd rather be loyal than popular.


So why this sudden tangent? I threw a party the other day. I planned it and invited people 4 weeks in advance. Theme: tacky Christmas...in June. I invited 40 people. Most people declined. Why? I'm just not that popular. People like me. Let's make that clear. A lot of people like me. I get invited to other peoples parties. But I'm now known for being a fun outgoing person (ok I think that's pretty well established now). Obviously my party wasn't going to be wild and crazy, fun yes, but in a 'social gathering' kind of way. I'm really seen as a dinner party in a formal dining room with table cloths, napkins, and candle sticks kind of person. Which is probably pretty true. My parties will never be crazy, but the food will be awesome. I leave crazy to the friends with the pool. And they are very popular. Their parties are well attended. Why? They are fun and crazy. I had a small showing with lots of laughter and great food (I made a pretty awesome cranberry pineapple salsa). And it was fun. But it made me realize that being popular does count for something. There are immediate benefits to being outgoing, good looking, and passionate. But popularity is fleeting. It gets bored easily. It's never ready to settle. And once it's gone, what remains is loyalty, dependability, and good food. I'll keep my small group of friends, laughter, and new recipes. It might be fun to be more popular...for a while. there are doors that would be open that are not now. My life might be very different. But what would I have lost? I'm not sure if I'd be satisfied. So maybe 'plain Jane' has its advantages.

posted from Bloggeroid

Resurrection

Wow, my first post in...well a long time. It was my hope a better phone meant more blogging. In reality it means more distractions. More Facebook. More twitter. More YouTube (scary, auto correct knows that word). More ways to stay current, and yet more ways to disconnect. See it's not that I haven't been writing, I've just found more solace going low tech. There are several pass of paper around my house with words, thoughts, ponderings, musings scribbled across them. I love to write. and nothing will ever replace the joy of a blank piece of paper and a good pen. Even the script I wrote for River City Theatre Company was mostly written in a notebook.

I find I can be more ethereal on paper. Scratch out, write over, rearrange. More organic. There is no back space. No delete. The original is always there. Maybe it's that I can be more honest. Look at it; digest it before I share it. I can refine it. I can hide more. I can add more layers so it isn't as naked and exposed. I'm all for honesty. But there is a fine line between being open and being sensational. I share what I feel, but I never look for pity or even understanding. Sometimes it's just easier to put it out there for people to read than to have to say the same things to multiple people. And if someone reads my ramblings and can relate and suddenly doesn't feel so alone, then I've done a bit of good.

So I have more to share. This year...the last few months have been quite a journey. Sometimes victorious, sometimes painful, but always beautiful. So if you can bare with (and Swype and Auto correct...which both are out to get me), I'll share more. I promise.

posted from Bloggeroid