5 lbs down, 24 to go

i admit i might have cheated a bit this week. i am designing lights for a show an hour away which has left little time for things like eating. I did fast food one night...and it was gross. i packed a lunch and dinner the other nights, but i am lucky if i find time for either. but at least i am able to control the contents if each. i am sure at least a lbs is purely from not eating. i have been more active though. climbing stairs, lifting set pieces, painting like a mad woman, focusing really hot lights...not to mention my new office in Chaska is ready (that means lots of stairs). when i get home at 11pm i have tried to fit in a few sit ups and push ups while i am checking emails. it's been a long week, and i am exhausted. something tells me that is not as good for me.

on the plus side, tonight i discovered that vitamin 10 water is made with stevia and not the other fake sugars. my digestive system is not a fan of artificial sweeteners. i tend to get stomach cramps that make me feel physically sick. i have really tried to avoid them most of my adult life since making that correlation. but stevia doesn't seem to be as bad. i have discovered a low sugar drink that doesn't make me feel ill. what a great way to cut a little more calories out. i have tried to take the other route and just cut out sweet things. which is really ok since i crave salt instead of sugar. my blood pressure has always been pretty spot on so i never worried too much. this last physical it was a little high. yet another reason to shed the lbs.

its getting warmer (yea!) so hopefully i can get the bike out soon. as much as the ex doesn't think so, i really like riding (just not like a kamikaze pilot). nice and relaxing. it's the little things that should add up right? maybe i will get lucky and find a place to live that will leave me with enough money to get a gym membership that has a pool. i miss swimming.

the important thing is, while the scale teetered between a 1/2 lbs here and there this week, i have still made progress! yea for progress!

Old Posts

i was going through my word files, and found several posts that never made it to the blog. time to clean them up.

Whirl wind

Saturday, August 22, 2009 was a great day to be a Lutheran. I have thought for a while about how I wanted to address the ELCA vote. And I wanted to address it. I thought about being diplomatic and happy but more reserved. But in all honesty, I was ecstatic when the news broke with the results of the vote. Not because the ‘liberals’ won, or the ‘conservatives’ lost, but because I feel that it’s a step that truly opens the doors to all people. As a faithful Christian, I don’t believe God discriminates. And denying someone the ability to be ordained based solely on whom they love has never fit with my understanding of who God is and what God wants for his people. It flies in the face of unity to simply say you can have the passion but not the platform. I have friends in the ministry, who are every bit as qualified as my own pastors, who are not able to be called to their own congregation even if the congregation wants them there. If God himself has called someone who is homosexual to share his word and teach others, then who are we to tell God he is wrong. One of my dearest friends is gay (a Catholic gay). He looked at me one day after a particularly harsh discussion in one of our high school religious classes and said “why would I choose to be gay? Why would I choose to be judged and ostracized because I don’t find the opposite sex attractive? There is no way I would choose to live that way, it just is.” I didn’t have an answer for him. Ironically, none of those who were against homosexuality in the class had an answer either when I brought it up the next day.

I have major issues with people who are homophobic. Why do we as a society place so much emphasis on whom one has sex with? It’s fine for a man to have multiple partners. It’s horrible for women to talk about how many they have had. And if you are a homosexual (even those who have only had one partner) get the lowest rung of the totem pole. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. I think it’s disgusting to listen to people talk about all the people they have ‘been’ within the first place. How rude to those people. But for some, to listen to a gay man talk about how much he loves his boyfriend, or a woman talk about how wonderful her relationship is with her partner bring more than feelings of disgust. If someone is happy, in a healthy relationship based on trust and respect, then who is anyone else to judge?

The argument ‘it debases the sanctity of marriage’ is preposterous. When there are people who marry other people for money, sex, and trophy status…not to mention inebriated people in Vegas, and then get divorced just a few hours/days/months later are debasing the ‘sanctity of marriage’. And who is anyone else to decide what relationships are sacred? I am sure Brittany Spear’s marriages were wonderfully sacred. And don’t even get me started on those who say that because homosexuals can’t bear children, it makes their marriage less sacred. What about those straight people who choose to never have children? Theirs is better because they can? Shouldn’t be we applauding the homosexuals who have reached out to adopt children who are obviously unwanted by someone?

Narrow minded people piss me off!

Monday

Does one really need to add anything after that word. They are terrible. I was planning to start posting some of the funny antics of my co-workers and call it MGK Mondays as a way to make them more interesting. My co workers say some hilarious things. What a great way to look at Mondays...all the things I would miss if I weren't at work. But after this mornings commute, there was nothing that was making today light hearted. I am a cautious driver. I really like my car...and more importantly, it has a lean against it, so it technically belongs to the bank until I pay it off. I really don't want to total it because I can't afford to buy another one. Not to mention the guilt I would feel if I hurt someone. That being said, this morning was horrendous. I left the house early knowing I would be late no matter what I did. So there was no need to rush. I planned on taking it nice and slow. Well, trying to go north bound on 169 was not an option this morning. It was so backed up, traffic was solid right through the light where I get into the lane to get on the highway. I watched one guy try to cut in and slide into the ditch on the other side. So I decided to go to the next exit south (Canterbury Rd about 2 miles down the road) and turn around and go north. Yeah that was not happening either. That was just as backed up. I decided I would head to the Chaska plant instead and wait out the traffic. I got between Canterbury and the next exit (another mile down the road) when a BMW SUV came flying up behind me and almost clipped my tail to get into the other lane since I wasn't going fast enough for him. I had to slow down so he didn't slide into me as he went around me. (And yes I had visual confirmation it was indeed a male. I am not being sexist.) That's when I realized it was pure ice under the snow. Now I like roller coasters, but this is one I never wish to ride again. Growing up in Minnesota, one is always told to turn into the spin and not out, and tap your breaks even if you have ABS. Probably the only things that kept me from hurting my car, and/or someone else. I did a 360 spin out and ended up off the side of the road. Thankfully I slid off the right and not the left. No ditch on the right. I still got pretty stuck, but at least my car was alright...and so was I. Aside from being completely pissed and shaking. Another good thing about learning to drive in this state...I knew how to get out: pack the snow around the tire so it had something to turn against. Still took me 30 mins to get it all packed in, all the while soaking my shoes, socks, and pants. I waited until there was a significant break in traffic before attempting to get back on the road. The next person behind me was 500 feet back when I got back on. The person 'behind' me decided to switch lanes and not slow down, even though all they had to do was take their foot off the gas pedal. Always fun to watch someone try to stop and realize they can't. 'He' started to spin out, and 'she' was not slowing down. I punched the gas the best I could to get my car to move ahead as fast as possible so this car wouldn't hit me. Too close for comfort. The car stopped spinning about 5 feet from my back bumper. This was the point I decided I was not going to attempt to drive to Chaska on the frozen river that was 169. I turned around at the next exit (which was only a few yards in front of me at this point) and attempt to go home and wait it out and try again a little later. 169 north was in much better shape (more people to trample the snow down) and even though I was only going 5 mph, at least we were making progress. So I kept going. 2 1/2 hours later I finally made it to work. I saw 12 people in the ditch on my 3 south and then 3 miles north on 169 this morning. I was one of them. I was lucky there was no one around to hit, and that I didn't do any damage. Not an experience I ever care to have again.

So there were no funny anecdotes from work today. I am sure the people around me were saying amusing things, I just wasn't paying attention. I spent the whole day exhausted from crashing after the endorphin rush that was my morning commute, and shaking for hours. It was intense. If I hadn't been on vacation for part of last week and didn't have 200 emails still to go through, I would have gone home and crawled back into bed and not moved. If I had access to my email, or a company laptop to sign in from at home, I would never have attempted it. Tomorrow I have to be in Chaska for a meeting at 9:15. If the drive is anywhere near as hazardous, I will not attempt it. I like my job, but I like not hyperventilating in my car far more.

27.5

i have lost 1.5 lbs in the last 2 days!!! i have been trying to get up and walk around more at work and really watching the portions that i eat. part of this wight loss goal isn't just to lose the weight, but to develop healthy eating habits to go along with it. i hate the word diet. everyone at work is always on a 'diet'. the thing that gets me is, everything we eat is our diet. so when we change what we eat for a specific purpose and then go back to doing what we were doing, there is very little chance to keep the weight off. that's one of the reasons i am not just going to join a gym and spend 3 hours a day burning calories. the better idea is to eat healthier calories and less of them and slightly increase activity. then you are changing small things about the way you function and it's easier to keep it going. so i am not just 'going on a diet', i am trying to change it. not that's it's that bad to begin with. while i may not have ever been overly cautious about what i ate, i am at least conscious about it. i may not always chose the veggies over the fries, but i don't eat all of them. when i get hungry between meals i like to munch on carrots. ever since i was little it was one of my favorite snacks. makes me wonder how my eye sight is so bad. and i love broccoli and cauliflower with a little ranch dressing. i prefer these to chips and crackers any day. and then of course i don't eat red meat, and really don't eat a whole lot of chicken either, though i do try and get some form of protein in everyday. also makes me wonder how my cholesterol got so high...thank you parental units for that one. so the long and short is: so far, so good!

29 in 29

i fall in to the obese category in weight. and not 'sort of kind of just over the line'. i am smack dab in the middle. i have tried the whole weight loss thing before and failed. i even went so far as to work out at least 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 7 months. i lost 4 lbs. it was extremely deflating. i didn't have more energy. i lost a size but not really anything noticeable. and i was tired all the time. not really the best experience. but i have decided to challenge myself to something i feel i can do. in one week i will be 29. ironically that's about how far into the obese weight column i am. i have decided to challenge myself to lose 29 lbs in 52 weeks (my 29th year of life).

i am trying to realistic about the goal. one year, 29 lbs. i feel this should be completely doable. i have to be more active. i have to take some of the weight off my knees and ankles. i want to feel better about myself. it would be easy to say i am going to lose the 40 lbs that i really want to lose. but that's a huge feat. 29 seems like a number that is big enough to bring a sense of accomplishment, but not so large that if i slip, i cannot get back on the wagon. this is not going to be easy. i am still living with my mom and with 5 people living here and one small fridge, it's hard to keep the foods that i like and know are healthier around. i have tried to cook more for myself lately so i can control what it going into my food. i actually enjoy eating fresh foods that are good for you. but it's hard when i feel like i am constantly on the go. i will have to be more conscious about bringing my own lunch and not going out. i will have to chose better options when i know i will have to eat on the run. i have significantly cut down on the amount of soda i drink to only 2 or 3 times a week. i try to have water or milk with my meals instead of drinks that contain an enormous amount of sugar. i have been purposely been buying nuts to have on hand if i get hungry between meals for a protein boost instead of a carb boost. i drink a lot more water. so knowing the rules isn't hard. following them will be.

exercise is going to be a major change for me. i really don't do it at all. i like to swim but that costs money. i want to join a gym again, but again it costs money. once the weather is better i can at least jump on my bike and ride more often. for now i will have to start out slow. maybe buying a prepaid card for Edinburgh or Dakotah so i can swim a few times a month but not have to pay the outrageous membership fees. i can walk the dog more. i can walk up and down the stairs here at home for a cheap stair master. i just have to remind myself that every little bit counts.

i will try to keep up postings about how it's going. i need to hold myself accountable if this is something i really want to achieve. and just maybe it will get me to post a few more entries a year :-p.

Lost Love

It’s officially over. I should be more crushed then I am. At least I feel like I should be. But it’s been over for so long, I have done my mourning. That’s not to say I don’t feel badly. I feel terrible. There are still a range of emotions, but they are tame compared to most break ups. Not that I have a lot of experience. Was it entirely his fault? Of course not. Was it entirely my fault? No. There is blame to assign all over the board. We both did things that contributed to the break down. There was a time I would have been happy to spend my life content with who we were. To watch our love grow and flourish. But it is not meant to me. Never was. I admit I did things that truly sealed our fate. I was not support of enough. That is not a pity statement; it’s one of actual fact. I distanced myself. I can be self righteous and say it was to insulate myself from the pain, but I think I had lost interest and just didn't know how to tell him. So I tried to get him to break up with me. Not a good idea for self preservation. Not that I really understood what I was doing at the time. But the signs are there in retrospect. I loved him. In a way I still do. Always will. He holds a piece of my childhood. But I haven’t been in love with him for a long time. We hit a crossroad and we went different directions. We held on to each other to keep at least one thing from changing. And now it’s over. Relationship, friendship…all of it. I mourn for the friendship. We always said we would end it before we lost that. He is not a bad person. These last few months he has gone out of his way to try and make me happy. He will make someone very happy, someday soon I hope, just not me. He hurt me and my response was to put up a wall. This was the inevitable result. And we both were hurt. I feel terrible for causing him anguish.

But this is not a pity post. This is more of a self reflection post. I have come to a place where I must honor what was right and not focus on what was wrong. There were good things. We were best friends. We trusted each other. When we were ‘on’ we complimented each other well. It was a good relationship most of the time. One to learn from and grow from. It’s wasn't perfect, but it was ours and we were happy for a time. A long time.

But there was one thing he said that stopped me in my tracks. He told me I should find my former love. That when I talk about him I speak longingly. That was enough to bring on strange and vivid dreams. I write because I am not sure what to think of the statement or the dreams. I need to process where I can see what I am saying. I long for those days in college when I lived with my friends without a care in the world; expect getting enough studying done to pass my classes. I long for the days when I lived with my best friend and could stay up all night talking about everything and nothing with her. And yes, part of me longs for how it felt to be deeply in love and be love deeply in return. At the time he was the other half I didn't know I was missing. But that was then. Now I am not sure if it’s him, or the feeling I long for. I can honestly say I have never felt like that about anyone. But I am hopeful I will. I would like to be able to say I know what happened between us and why it is no more. But I can’t. I wasn't invited to the break up. I was told about it afterwards by someone else; he didn't want to speak to me anymore because he felt he had screwed things up. We were going to road trip up the east coast together. go where the road led us, camp where the sights were beautiful. I had looked forward to it and he canceled the trip. It hurt, but I didn't yell at him. He said he was trying to protect me from spending money I didn't really have. I had never had anyone try and protect me like that. I was flattered; disappointed, but flattered. But I didn't yell and tell him he was horrible. I didn't react the way he expected me to. I threw in a wrench into his knowledge of who I was. He didn't screw up in the way he thought he had, but didn't get the chance to tell him that. And that was how that ended ‘not with a bang…but a whimper’. It hurt. I was crushed when he wouldn't talk to me. I really thought we meant more to each other than that. But I healed and moved on. I do not wish him ill nor do I pine for him. He’s not the same person he was then, nor am I. I have not known him longer than I have known him. How can you long for someone you don’t even know? Can you?

To be fair and very honest, I never compared them. Neither the men nor the relationships. I am not sure I ever felt as deeply for the ex as I did for the former love, but that doesn't mean I cared any less. They were like ‘apples and screwdrivers’; there were no similarities. There were amazing things about both. I feel in love for different reasons and the things I value in each person are not the same. There were never any conscious comparisons. That would be unfair to both and would dishonor the uniqueness that was each relationship. Now if there was only a way to squish those things into one relationship. That would be a big step in the right direction.

I didn’t want to over analyze. Too late I know. Spending time in Phoenix this last weekend was exactly what I needed to do. Take some time away with someone who knew me intimately and many who didn’t know me at all. To unwind and let my brain settle down. To not think about the last few weeks. And I knew I would be reminded of my former love. And it was good to hear about him. To be reminded that he has moved on. He has a life I know nothing about. And that I don’t know him anymore. It didn’t hurt as much to hear his name. To see pictures of him. To know that one day we will have to be in the same place, and to finally be at peace with that and with him. I will never have the answers I seek. I am not sure he can give them to me himself. But I can recall with a smile for the first time in 6 years memories that have been painful to remember. I can pull out the long forgotten album and remember how good it was to feel so in love. I can try and honor what was good. I haven’t really thought about ‘what might have been’. I still don’t. The road leads where it will lead and if we don’t grab a hold of what we want, it slips away. I wonder about the future and try and learn from the past. A part of me will always belong to him. That doesn’t mean there is nothing left of me or that I long for that part. It belongs with him at that time in that place. It’s safe and undiminished. A reminder of who I was and where I have come. And that makes me smile. To remember a time when I was wild and crazy in love. I can remember what it felt like, so I will know it when I find it again. And hold on a little tighter and fight a little harder for it. I am grateful to that man in that time for that kind of love.

I do not know who is around the next curve or where the path will lead. I face it with excitement. I do not need to find love. I am loved. I am content for now to stop and smell the lilacs and watch the daisy bloom. I have closed the gate on this relationship and am ready to see what’s beyond this place. I am ready to start unpacking the past relationship to see what treasure I had long forgotten about. I admit with all the reminiscing, there is a part of me what would like to see the fire again even if just to feel its warmth for a brief moment. And a part of me that wonders what other sparks might be kindling just up ahead. But then again, that’s the beauty of the future, only she knows.