the time has come. I knew it would happen eventually. I always assumed it would be because the circumstances made it happen. not a conscious choice by either of us. Someone else would drive it and we would just be along for the ride. That's how it was supposed to happen. I was prepared for that. and it was becoming clear that that time was drawing near. A birthday party in august? A wedding next fall? I was not prepared for this. A plan begun by both of us. On our terms. Our choice. Our doing. But for me, the feelings are spiraling out of control. I'm sick to my stomach, nervous, scared, excited, elated, and very confused. In 4 short hours I will see him again. In the flesh. In 4 hours he will me at my house. He will have to talk to me. Honestly communicate with me for the first time in 8 years.
I am so out of my element. I can handle emotions. I can be emotional. But there are no names for the ones shaking my fingers, nerves, and heart. I am anxious for tonight to be here. I am petrified to see him again. I am overjoyed he wanted to come. I've missed him more than I thought, but at the same time I have no idea who he is any longer. I want to prolong the anticipation because I am scared. How will it go? What do we do? How do we act? What is the pretense? Old college friends? Two people who were once more then friends? Just former classmates?
I am close to tears. How will this feel? How do I want it to feel? Is there anyway to truly prepare to see the person you once wanted to spend your life with? it's all out of my control, i don't like not being in control.
it happened so suddenly. a statements about being at crossroads. it sounded like he could hear some positive words. an offering to have people over to share wine and laughter. An honest offer. Usually side stepped. Or ignored. Then the actual reply. Not in comment to my comment. A deliberate message sent to me. 'definatley.' And dates. He was coming to town. He wanted to see people. I set something up. Was I testing him? Was I challenging him? Did I really expect him too follow through? Yes. Yes. no. it's been 8 years since I last talked to him. He implicitly cut me out. He expressly told others he wanted no contact with me. I walked away heart broken. I didn't know how to fight for him. There has been little contact since. A few emails. An almost apology for the many years of silence. A few facebook comments. Nothing consistent. So why now?
I'm scared by how I'm feeling. For all the thoughts and emotions. I don't know how to feel. I don't know how I want tonight to turn out. I'm terrified that this is isolated. That after tonight we go back to silence. That would be far more painful than last time. last time he was my best friend. I loved him so deeply I would have given up almost anything to spend forever with him. I was a different person with him. I allowed myself to be vulnerable with him. I was still headstrong and independent, but he offered me the support I needed and was there to let me fall apart when everything was just too much. No judgment. Just to hold me and let me be weak. And I let myself be that person with him. It was just who he was. and then he just walked away. no good bye. no hateful words. no explanation to anyone. just gone. I miss what we were. I miss joking and laughing and watching cartoons. I miss the cooking and drinking competitions. I miss the conspiracies. I miss my best friend.
But the feelings were not mutual. i have to conclude they weren't. wouldn't we have tried harder if they were? And now we are not the same people. we are not in the same place. we have both been invovled with other people. he is involved now. I fear having to alter my image of him; of having to reconcile then with now. afraid but maybe also hoping they are not the same people. But I wouldn't miss tonight for the world. I'm so excited to show him who I am. I am elated to think maybe we can slowly rebuild a new kind of friendship. His response blew me out of the water. The joy I felt was almost tangible.
And of course a will not be alone. I don't know if I would be able to do this alone. I doubt he would have agreed to. So it's truly going to be a gathering. My best friend and her husband, once his roomate, will be there. He cut them out too. we will be there for each other. They were almost as shocked as I was. A mutal friend whom he mostly kept in contact. Another friend who is more neutral. There will be plenty of people to diffuse the awkwardness. To carry the conversation when it lulls. To laugh and enjoy everyone's company. I am grateful to be able to spend the evening with friends.
I want tonight to be over. To be able to analyze it all. I want tonight to be hours away. So I can prepare. But more than anything, I want it to be time. 3 more hours.
I am so out of my element. I can handle emotions. I can be emotional. But there are no names for the ones shaking my fingers, nerves, and heart. I am anxious for tonight to be here. I am petrified to see him again. I am overjoyed he wanted to come. I've missed him more than I thought, but at the same time I have no idea who he is any longer. I want to prolong the anticipation because I am scared. How will it go? What do we do? How do we act? What is the pretense? Old college friends? Two people who were once more then friends? Just former classmates?
I am close to tears. How will this feel? How do I want it to feel? Is there anyway to truly prepare to see the person you once wanted to spend your life with? it's all out of my control, i don't like not being in control.
it happened so suddenly. a statements about being at crossroads. it sounded like he could hear some positive words. an offering to have people over to share wine and laughter. An honest offer. Usually side stepped. Or ignored. Then the actual reply. Not in comment to my comment. A deliberate message sent to me. 'definatley.' And dates. He was coming to town. He wanted to see people. I set something up. Was I testing him? Was I challenging him? Did I really expect him too follow through? Yes. Yes. no. it's been 8 years since I last talked to him. He implicitly cut me out. He expressly told others he wanted no contact with me. I walked away heart broken. I didn't know how to fight for him. There has been little contact since. A few emails. An almost apology for the many years of silence. A few facebook comments. Nothing consistent. So why now?
I'm scared by how I'm feeling. For all the thoughts and emotions. I don't know how to feel. I don't know how I want tonight to turn out. I'm terrified that this is isolated. That after tonight we go back to silence. That would be far more painful than last time. last time he was my best friend. I loved him so deeply I would have given up almost anything to spend forever with him. I was a different person with him. I allowed myself to be vulnerable with him. I was still headstrong and independent, but he offered me the support I needed and was there to let me fall apart when everything was just too much. No judgment. Just to hold me and let me be weak. And I let myself be that person with him. It was just who he was. and then he just walked away. no good bye. no hateful words. no explanation to anyone. just gone. I miss what we were. I miss joking and laughing and watching cartoons. I miss the cooking and drinking competitions. I miss the conspiracies. I miss my best friend.
But the feelings were not mutual. i have to conclude they weren't. wouldn't we have tried harder if they were? And now we are not the same people. we are not in the same place. we have both been invovled with other people. he is involved now. I fear having to alter my image of him; of having to reconcile then with now. afraid but maybe also hoping they are not the same people. But I wouldn't miss tonight for the world. I'm so excited to show him who I am. I am elated to think maybe we can slowly rebuild a new kind of friendship. His response blew me out of the water. The joy I felt was almost tangible.
And of course a will not be alone. I don't know if I would be able to do this alone. I doubt he would have agreed to. So it's truly going to be a gathering. My best friend and her husband, once his roomate, will be there. He cut them out too. we will be there for each other. They were almost as shocked as I was. A mutal friend whom he mostly kept in contact. Another friend who is more neutral. There will be plenty of people to diffuse the awkwardness. To carry the conversation when it lulls. To laugh and enjoy everyone's company. I am grateful to be able to spend the evening with friends.
I want tonight to be over. To be able to analyze it all. I want tonight to be hours away. So I can prepare. But more than anything, I want it to be time. 3 more hours.
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