Resurrection

Wow, my first post in...well a long time. It was my hope a better phone meant more blogging. In reality it means more distractions. More Facebook. More twitter. More YouTube (scary, auto correct knows that word). More ways to stay current, and yet more ways to disconnect. See it's not that I haven't been writing, I've just found more solace going low tech. There are several pass of paper around my house with words, thoughts, ponderings, musings scribbled across them. I love to write. and nothing will ever replace the joy of a blank piece of paper and a good pen. Even the script I wrote for River City Theatre Company was mostly written in a notebook.

I find I can be more ethereal on paper. Scratch out, write over, rearrange. More organic. There is no back space. No delete. The original is always there. Maybe it's that I can be more honest. Look at it; digest it before I share it. I can refine it. I can hide more. I can add more layers so it isn't as naked and exposed. I'm all for honesty. But there is a fine line between being open and being sensational. I share what I feel, but I never look for pity or even understanding. Sometimes it's just easier to put it out there for people to read than to have to say the same things to multiple people. And if someone reads my ramblings and can relate and suddenly doesn't feel so alone, then I've done a bit of good.

So I have more to share. This year...the last few months have been quite a journey. Sometimes victorious, sometimes painful, but always beautiful. So if you can bare with (and Swype and Auto correct...which both are out to get me), I'll share more. I promise.

posted from Bloggeroid

Character Assassination

I am in shock. The pain of what you insinuate, nay what you speak as though truth, cuts me to the core. I will never see you the same way again. And deep down even you know it's not true. But it will not stop you from using your malicious lies to poison people against me. What have I done to deserve this kind of treatment? What could possibly justify trying, and in some cases succeeding, to create bold lies to turn opinions against me? Why the assassination?

For the record, I NEVER was unfaithful to our relationship. I take commitment seriously. I would never want to be the one on the other end, so I would never put anyone else there either. When I say yes, I go in full hearted. I am loyal to a fault. I could not live with myself or the guilt of breaking that commitment. My morals are not ambiguous. To be unfaithful is to consciously disrespect and hurt the person you are committed to. It is the deepest and most complete way to destroy another human being. The thought of it makes me sick. I would not wish that kind of pain on ANYONE. And in general, when I make a commitment, I see it through to the bloody, sometimes, painful end. And I do so with a clear conscious. And it is not a part of my character that I can hide. It is written in my actions. And to even imply contrary is incorrect. But that doesn't stop you, does it?

You make the claim I did not honor the commitment I made to you. You are lying. And if you honestly believe your own words, then you never knew me. You claim I betrayed you, I question when? I may have hurt you, but that does not excuse maligning my character.

You claim 'your friends' hate me. But how could they form such a strong dislike without fuel. You have purposely spread rumors to ensure people would take 'your side' in the battlefield that only exists in your mind. I am not fighting against you; you are fighting against you. But you have made others believe they have to take sides. You have become a very petty person. I would never ask a friend to chose. There are people who believe the lies you have started. What does that say about them? They judge based not on fact, but on your anger and hurt. You have destroyed my friendships with these lies. But that is what you want, isn't it? You need someone to be as miserable as you are. You need someone to dwell in your hurt and anger as well. You have succeeded. There are people I will no longer talk to knowing you have been spreading your poison. I will not exist in your counter reality or answer to the inquisition you sentence me to. And the weak souls who blindly sway because of your filth are not people I want to surround myself with. I have walked away from MY friends because of you. I will never forget that.

What you have done is petty. You demean yourself as well. You show your own true character by doing this. You may have attacked me with your words, but what have your actions done to you? Truth is hard to extinguish. It finds a way to burn through the darkness. When it does, how will you look? Will it be your words or your actions that will speak the loudest?

posted from Bloggeroid

The aftermath

It’s over. The night has ended. Everyone is home. Everyone is safe. And I am left with all of this. The feelings. The emotions. The numbness and yet intense pain.

He arrived early. Probably for the best. Let us get a firm footing before adding others to the mix. I was talking to my neighbor. I was trying to prolong being alone with him. To acknowledging he was here. In the flesh. After 8 years. It was happening. The reconnection. I hid for a few mins. Trying to assess what was happening. How this was going to work. He was here. And I wasn’t sure how to react. But I was happy. The moment is still fresh. I can still see it. The car. His tentative smile. Mine in return. It was him. A few years older. But the eyes and the smile were the same. We stood there awkwardly for a few seconds. Pretending we knew what to do and this was no big deal. The years and the miles scorched away for a few seconds. We were just us. Two friends. Separated by only a few days, months maybe, but not years. We stepped inside. Alone for the first time. And he opened his arms. Everything melted away. Here he stood. One of my best friends from yesterday. His embrace was gentle and warm and I gladly accepted it. Was grateful for the offer. It is a moment I will lock away. In that hug was relief, comfort, forgiveness, and maybe just a little bliss. A chance for us each to atone for the silence. A moment I may never forget. We were there. Two friends. The past intermingled with the now. Whatever came next we could handle.

Then words. Trying to fill the space. Still slightly uncomfortable what to say. A silent understanding to leave the past unspoken for now. Try and fill the space of now. A tour of my home. To introduce him to the me of today. The 30 seconds of catch up carefully avoiding the few landmines that hung there. The mention of the girlfriend. Joy and sorrow truly mixed. Joy that he has found peace. Sorrow for the conversations that might never happen. It would be unfair of me to remind him of the wounds. I know I will like her. I see what she has done for him. She must be amazing. And honestly, I can’t wait to meet her. She is going to give up everything to be with him, and he is willing to let her. She must be wonderful. He loves her deeply. And I know I will love her too. In time. If he lets me.

Sorrow. A sorrow I didn’t know I would feel. The finality is there. There is no chance to rekindle anything. Confusion whether I wanted to. We were in the past. Our present is not connected to that time. He is committed. I respect that. I will support him because he needs that. He deserves that. And I am genuinely happy for him. Even though I died a little. My heart sank yet soared. And it came to me. Suddenly. Unexpectedly. I love him. The intensity stole the breath from my lungs for a moment. I love him. Still. Truly. Honestly. Profoundly. He was some mysterious sway over me even years later. After all the silence. After the non answers. The anger. The frustrations. The pain. It’s still there. Pulling my heart in a direction it forgot. I would be content to be by his side. But he has chosen another. And my heart is warmed to see him happy. And I am not miserable to know this, yet crushed that fate has been sealed.

But I thought I was past this. All of this. Past him. Past the connection my heart felt when we were together. Past the stabbing pain when someone would mention his name. Past never being able to look at his picture. I had moved forward as well. Loved another. Was content with another. Have I been lying to myself? Was the ex right? Do I still ‘pine’ for him? Will I always love him? Does that mean I will not be able to fully love another? Or will speaking it make it less powerful? Or is the heart simply wondrous enough to find room for it all? Do I want this feeling to go away? I just wasn’t prepared to feel this way. Anger, yes. Joy, yes. Love…no. I cherish those few minuets we had alone. To let the range of emotions sweep over me. To give me a chance to just experience them. I am not sure if I hid them from him. I tried. It would be unfair of me to show him this.

People arrived. Hellos all around. I gave him space to reacquaint with others. To get to know them again too. To reconnect with the others from yesterday. I think he needed us. Needed to be surrounded by people who once knew him. People who still support him. People who will surround him if he will let us. We want to be his friends. We want him to know he’s welcome here. That when he hits these crossroads, he’s not alone.

The evening was spent laughing. Joking. Catching up. Talking about nothing in particular. Grilling, eating, drinking. The things we all did best. The things we all enjoy. The conversation flowed. No one brought up the silence. No one asked why. We just accepted that today was today and it was good enough for all of us. It was fun. It was enjoyable. It was healing. And it was needed. It had been too long. We are not the same. But that didn’t mean we couldn’t be friends. We could forgive and forget and be in the moment. I hope others felt this way. I hope it will happen again. I hope that it was a beginning. Because I don’t want to cut him out. No matter how I feel.

I want you to be happy; even while my heart is crumbling. Exposed to the cruel light of reality. A reality I didn’t know existed. A reality I think I didn’t want to know. It hurt. I looked through my pictures from college tonight. An album I keep in a drawer. I haven’t looked at them in a long time. I have 10 pictures of us. Images that set my heart ablaze. 10 pictures of a time when we were us before all of this. 10 pictures that I can only look at on occasion because they make me sad. They remind me of your loss, both love and kinship. But tonight, I wanted to remember. Because tonight I remembered how much I love you. I know now that I love you enough to stand by you and celebrate your love to someone else. I love you enough to finally let you go. Enough to see how happy you are. To know that the musings of who we were and what we might have been are mine and mine alone. I love you enough to keep the thoughts of who we could be buried. And finally move on for real. You are wonderful, complicated, and amazing. Please understand though how much my heart is aching for you. How hard this is for me. And how much I wish you all the happiness the world can offer. How much I have no intention of ever telling you any of this. I love you enough for this.

We are something special when our lives intersect. I desire, more than anything else, to be your friend. You make me better. Your friendship makes me whole. You complete me in your understanding of me. Your ability to put my mind at peace proves that. We are friends. I’ve missed you, my friend. I have shed tears tonight for all we could have been. For all the memories of a future my mind had long forgotten. For all that we have missed all these years. The connection still thrives. Our lives will forever intersect.

I have cried to God himself for guidance. You need to be happy and complete. And so do I. And if being on the sidelines means being able to be your friend, then I will be there. I know I will find that kind of love too. The completeness that comes from entwining my life to another. We will both find it. All we’ve searched for. And it won’t be together. My tears will be answered. Our hearts will be filled. But please, dear Matthew, promise we will be friends. That’s all I ask you. That’s what I pray for. That tonight is not good bye. That the last few hours were a breathtaking hello. That the foundation has been laid to a new kind of kinship. I pray also that tomorrow the light will be warm and kind and the offer of friendship will be there. That the healing can be completed.

I promise you my heart will heal. The pain will lessen. The smile on my lips will be real. This time I have closure. The thing I was denied before. I have heard the truth from you. It won’t stop me from loving you. But it also won’t change my desire to be your friend. It’s been a long time, and I have missed you. Don’t let this be goodbye.

The build up

the time has come. I knew it would happen eventually. I always assumed it would be because the circumstances made it happen. not a conscious choice by either of us. Someone else would drive it and we would just be along for the ride. That's how it was supposed to happen. I was prepared for that. and it was becoming clear that that time was drawing near. A birthday party in august? A wedding next fall? I was not prepared for this. A plan begun by both of us. On our terms. Our choice. Our doing. But for me, the feelings are spiraling out of control. I'm sick to my stomach, nervous, scared, excited, elated, and very confused. In 4 short hours I will see him again. In the flesh. In 4 hours he will me at my house. He will have to talk to me. Honestly communicate with me for the first time in 8 years.
I am so out of my element. I can handle emotions. I can be emotional. But there are no names for the ones shaking my fingers, nerves, and heart. I am anxious for tonight to be here. I am petrified to see him again. I am overjoyed he wanted to come. I've missed him more than I thought, but at the same time I have no idea who he is any longer. I want to prolong the anticipation because I am scared. How will it go? What do we do? How do we act? What is the pretense? Old college friends? Two people who were once more then friends? Just former classmates?
I am close to tears. How will this feel? How do I want it to feel? Is there anyway to truly prepare to see the person you once wanted to spend your life with? it's all out of my control, i don't like not being in control.

it happened so suddenly. a statements about being at crossroads. it sounded like he could hear some positive words. an offering to have people over to share wine and laughter. An honest offer. Usually side stepped. Or ignored. Then the actual reply. Not in comment to my comment. A deliberate message sent to me. 'definatley.' And dates. He was coming to town. He wanted to see people. I set something up. Was I testing him? Was I challenging him? Did I really expect him too follow through? Yes. Yes. no. it's been 8 years since I last talked to him. He implicitly cut me out. He expressly told others he wanted no contact with me. I walked away heart broken. I didn't know how to fight for him. There has been little contact since. A few emails. An almost apology for the many years of silence. A few facebook comments. Nothing consistent. So why now?

I'm scared by how I'm feeling. For all the thoughts and emotions. I don't know how to feel. I don't know how I want tonight to turn out. I'm terrified that this is isolated. That after tonight we go back to silence. That would be far more painful than last time. last time he was my best friend. I loved him so deeply I would have given up almost anything to spend forever with him. I was a different person with him. I allowed myself to be vulnerable with him. I was still headstrong and independent, but he offered me the support I needed and was there to let me fall apart when everything was just too much. No judgment. Just to hold me and let me be weak. And I let myself be that person with him. It was just who he was. and then he just walked away. no good bye. no hateful words. no explanation to anyone. just gone. I miss what we were. I miss joking and laughing and watching cartoons. I miss the cooking and drinking competitions. I miss the conspiracies. I miss my best friend.

But the feelings were not mutual. i have to conclude they weren't. wouldn't we have tried harder if they were? And now we are not the same people. we are not in the same place. we have both been invovled with other people. he is involved now. I fear having to alter my image of him; of having to reconcile then with now. afraid but maybe also hoping they are not the same people. But I wouldn't miss tonight for the world. I'm so excited to show him who I am. I am elated to think maybe we can slowly rebuild a new kind of friendship. His response blew me out of the water. The joy I felt was almost tangible.

And of course a will not be alone. I don't know if I would be able to do this alone. I doubt he would have agreed to. So it's truly going to be a gathering. My best friend and her husband, once his roomate, will be there. He cut them out too. we will be there for each other. They were almost as shocked as I was. A mutal friend whom he mostly kept in contact. Another friend who is more neutral. There will be plenty of people to diffuse the awkwardness. To carry the conversation when it lulls. To laugh and enjoy everyone's company. I am grateful to be able to spend the evening with friends.

I want tonight to be over. To be able to analyze it all. I want tonight to be hours away. So I can prepare. But more than anything, I want it to be time. 3 more hours.

New phone :)

My Blackberry finally just had too many issues. It was time to upgrade, in a big way. I have to admit I didn't really want to. I liked my phone. But I just couldn't deal with the unreliability any more. It's my only phone, my only computer. So I went to the store and walked out with a new Nexus X. A purely Google phone. A huge step up. So far, I'm loving it. I did have every Google App available for the Blackberry. So it was only natural to go all Google. Right? So besides all the cool stuff I can download (seriously, how have I missed Angry Birds), I can blog again! With work being so crazy, I have no time to blog. It was way too hard to do this on the Crackberry. I have been keeping a journal. It's going to take time to get it all on here, but there are two entries I have to get off my chest. This last week was a little surreal. it was wonderful and frightening at the same time. but perhaps I should just let the next entry speak for itself.

MGK Mondays

Why? because i managed to somehow get caught up on last weeks work (woohoo!) and i have a few mins before i feel like starting this weeks work (i'm already behind anyway, what's a few more mins?). Background on this little tidbit: at the end of last winter (before we played musical cubes and sales moved to the other side of the building), it had snowed a lot. so there was a LOT of salt and sand everywhere thanks to the very safety conscious plowing company.

The international sales manager walks by the outside cubes (there are 3 rows of 2 cubes. i am in row 2. i cannot see what is going on.) with a broom. All the offices are carpeted. i didn't even know there was a broom. I guess he was going to brush off his shoes because they had sand/dirt/salt on them from walking in the parking lot. the following takes place: (with only a few embellishments i might add)

Diana: why does Bill have a broom?

Me: he has a broom? as in a kitchen broom?

Diana: yes a kitchen broom.

Francisco: that’s how he gets to his car at night. Didn’t you know that? He just goes up and jumps off the roof.



Me: wouldn’t a jet pack be easier?



Diana: nah, he’s not a modern witch. He likes to kick it old school.



Me: like Sabrina the Teenage Witch?



Fransisco: wasn't that the one with the weird talking cat?

Diana: yep.



Bill walks out of his office with the broom: what are you guys talking about?

The three of us in unison: nothing.



Bill: you guys are weird.

says the guy who finds a broom and brings it to his carpeted office to brush off the shoes that are on his feet. :)

one of those weeks

Have you had one of those weeks too? The kind where the weight of responsibilities feels like it’s crushing you and you can barely breathe? Where it feels like the world is conspiring against you and there is no way out? When you fear striking out at someone who piles one more thing on top of your completely loaded day? The kind where you sit at your desk, a moment away from tears because you are just not sure how much else you can take? The week that you have no idea where any of it came from, but you will be ecstatic when it’s finally over?

I am not sure anyone would describe me as an overly flexible person. I like to be in control and prepare for things (most of the time). Or at least know what is expected of me ahead of time. For instance, I am fine with flying my the seat of my pants when teaching a lesson, however I do like to know a few days in advance that I am teaching it. so I like to control the commitment not necessarily the content. However I really have learned to ‘roll with it’ in the last year or so. change doesn’t make my stomach clench like it used to. But when I am trying to decide what to do during the week, being given a new project, with no deadline, and then being yelled at because it wasn’t done that day; or setting daily work aside to finish new project and then getting emails several times a day asking why the daily stuff wasn’t done DRIVES ME CRAZY! I just can’t win this week.

I don’t know why this week has been so bad. There were no indicators Monday morning it was going to turn out this way. I had a minor scheduling change at work (30mins earlier everyday). Didn’t seem to affect me too much Monday morning. The over loading and ‘reprioritizing’ without actually telling me what was needed when set the swing in motion. One of my new ‘goals’ at work this year is to handle consignment releases of purchased active ingredients. Sounds fancy, but it’s really not. Since I am still new at this, this requires ‘showing my math’ to my bosses and getting it all approved before I actually ‘do the work’. I spent an hour putting together the release. Only to have every piece of it scrutinized. I understand I am new at this. And it requires knowing what we have on hand, what we need, and what still needs to be released. And converting it from kg to lbs. All of it math, none of it rocket science (and I took Astronomy so I know what rocket science is). But because my bosses have done this before, they still insist on picking it apart. Double checking is good. I agree that it’s a good idea given the cost of the material. But to redo all the math, ask again how I came up with xxx amount, then agree that I did it ‘right’, is insulting. And time consuming. It took an hour longer than it should have. And hour I could have been working on my ‘normal’ daily activities.

I am in Chaska on Tuesdays. There is a production meeting that I attend and I spend the day counting and putting out inventory fires. Or finding them. $5,000 inventory fires that I checked 3 times and still have no answers for. $5,000 worth of inventory that was there at the start of the month. $5,000 worth of inventory that is technically not ours, buts on consignment for one of our customers. Not to mention fires that include a new system that is not entirely similar to the old system leaving cycle counts that cannot always be finished in one day with the report written immediately that afternoon.

I was asked to complete a project last week with no real instructions as to what I really had to do. I figured it out and emailed to make sure it was really what was expected of me and was told yes. I took the project home to ‘do the math’ so I could just enter it the next day. I thought that was all I had to do. Took me maybe an hour and I emailed it was done and thought that was the end of it. turns out there was a whole second part that needed to be updated as well, however it wasn’t as critical so no one thought to make sure I knew that part too. I was asked on Wednesday if I had finished with the second part. Well, no Mr. Boss, I didn’t realize that was a part of it. Let me work on that. Turns out, that was the longer and much more time consuming part of the project. So I spent 3 hours finishing that project. While being asked why report #1 wasn’t finished, where was #2, and when would I be done with #3. I was ready to cry I was so frustrated.

Thursday was maybe the worst so far. And the day with the least interruptions. But it didn’t feel like it helped. To start the day, my alarm went off at 7am like it was set to. The problem, it went off at 7am Central STANDARD Time. I must not have corrected the date on my clock and it switched to CST this morning instead of on Sunday morning. I was awake, dressed, made up, and walked the dog in less than 30 mins. Probably a record for me. I was unfortunately 40 mins late to work. it was a continuation of please make sure to get the extra things done, but where is the stuff you were supposed to have done last week. constant check in and reminders that the reports they requested last week were not done. could I please finish those today? what do you say to that? ‘No sorry, I think I am going to sit on my butt and play solitaire today.’ at least the problems I was expected to handle were less than they had been all week. less fire is good. I actually got to work on some of those reports. And low and behold, I got two done.

My plan today was simply to ignore everyone. The phone, the email, everything. Today I am going to get crap done damn it! that worked for maybe an hour or 2. It’s hard to ignore the person physically standing in my office. ‘Outside customer wants his order NOW. Why I haven’t even ordered their labels?’ Well, they need to have them approved by their Regulatory body first because I will NOT order them until they are. The fines can be extreme for mislabeled product. And since we are actually adhering the label to the bottle, it’s our responsibility to make sure they are correct. At least if they sign them, we can point the finger and say we had their Regulatory body’s permission. [AKA: it wouldn’t be my fault. Customers are great and all (except maybe this particular customer, they are a pain), but I am not willing to put my job on the line and cut corners for their convenience.] ‘Oh, I guess that makes sense. Can you ask them where they are with that?’ Sure. I have emailed them 2 times this week with no response. I have nothing else to do. Of course I will call them/email them yet again. NOT. Thankfully the finally emailed the approved label to me. They were holding up the process, but somehow it will still be my fault. I did finally get the first part needed to the last report I need to get out. still have to write the report, but I have a half hour to pull that off. Won’t be spectacular, but it will be DONE!

I had my one year review last Friday. One of the things I mentioned that I felt I should be better managing my time. I felt I hadn’t done as great of a job with that last year. There were a lot of days I felt like I didn’t get anything done. there were a lot of things that were not done on time. There were labels that were not in house in time for production. Whether or not that was my fault, it was my responsibility because it’s my job. I have been hyper aware of time management since. (My boss actually disagreed with me on that point. He said that he felt I did fine considering how much we actually got done and delays were inevitable.) This week I have made lists of what I wanted to get done each day to try and keep up with the flow of work. I have gotten 2 things on those 4 lists done so far this week. It has not been a good feeling to have to include yesterday’s list on today’s list. It’s a pretty long list at this point. I feel like I have really failed this week. it’s not entirely my fault. I have taken work home to try and catch up. I am frustrated. Close to tears. Stressed out. And extremely over caffeinated as a result.

But maybe I am looking at those lists wrong. Perhaps I should be creating a list of what I did get done every day. That list is a better curser to what was accomplished this week. there is still work outstanding. There is a lot that needs to be completed before next week’s responsibilities settle in. but I did do a lot this week. that list of what I finished that I didn’t know I had to do certainly outweighs the list of what I wanted to get done. I was so frustrated the other day, I refused to work when I got home. I walked the dog, made dinner, watched a little tv, and hung things on my very bare walls. I have a list of things I would like to have done in my house. There is a time line on some, but not on most. Hanging pictures was not on my list. But it got done. granted there are no pictures in them, but they are on the wall to remind me to put pictures in them. The hard part is done. I feel like I accomplished more this week by putting a few holes in the wall, than in 40 hours worth of work. it’s hard to retrain myself to look at the success of this week, and not the failure. I will eventually get everything done. it wasn’t on the time line set forth, but it will get done. in the mean time, I still finished a lot of things that I started. Maybe it’s the joy of the weekend being almost here. Or the relief that this week is over, but I am starting to feel better. I just have to keep saying ‘I was successful this week’. I can’t let the week beat me. there will always be another week with another list. Maybe it’s God’s way of reminding us there is always a chance to try again. Next week is still a new slate. So I am already ahead of the game. How was your week?