Chaos

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And yet, amidst the chaos and pain, the show must go on.

And as my wise friend added…and yet, amidst the sadness, love endures and sustains.

Yesterday I wasn’t feeling the greatest.  I was still recovering from a small bout of food poison that left my stomach in ruins on Monday.  I needed to get out on the bike.  My last 2 rides were too far apart and both felt awful.  My muscles hurt, my breathing was off, I felt wiped after both rides…and they were only 8.5 miles.  My shortest in months. I have 3 loads of laundry that need to be put away.    My house needs to be cleaned.  Really cleaned.  Top to bottom cleaned and organized before we get into production.  I have a grant to revise and get out for comments before we go into production.  I have work to catch up on after being out on Monday.  I have work to catch up on since I am still doing more than my job title can handle.  I have work to catch up on because with all the other things, I am very easily distracted.  I feel pulled in a million different directions and it’s stressing me out.  My life feels like chaos.  I knew yesterday was not going to be a great day before I even got out of bed.  I had no idea how true those thoughts would turn out to be.

I arrived late at work after trying to calm a headache (not enough water Monday).  I felt out of sorts and unprepared for my Tuesday meeting.  But I was going to make the most of it and get as much done as I could.  I ran my reports, got my first count done for the day, returned a few phone calls.  Behind, but moving forward; not a terrible start to a day.  All I needed was a little I Heart Radio to motivate me to keep going.  And that’s when I saw the smiley text message icon.  Why are they smiley?  The information in that text was nothing to smile about.  It was about to turn my whole day on its head…and it had barely started.

One of my best friends sent a text: Her mother-in-law had suffered a ruptured aneurysm and had been airlifted from East Grand Forks to Abbot Northwestern Hospital in the cities.  They had run all the reflex and EEG tests Monday night.  They indicated no response.  They were running them again at noon.  Please pray.

Nothing brings life into clearer focus than sudden tragic news.  Problems become trivial when you hear of life and death struggles so close to home.  Your heart stops.  Stomach drops.  You forget to breathe.  Your eyes overflow.  And you forget to worry about all the little things.  Even if only for a few moments.  And the only thing that matters in those few precious moments is love. 

Those moments are a reminder that life is fragile and truly unpredictable.  That the only thing we can give to one another that is lasting is our feelings…good or bad…and the words and actions that accompany them.  Those moments are spent thinking of the people that continually change your life.  Those that waking up without tomorrow would be unbearable.  You recall last conversations; did you make sure to tell them you loved them?  When was the last time you reached out and just let them know you think about them?  You start to write mental letters to send, jump on Facebook to say a quick hello, grab your phone to send that text.  You tuck these people a little tighter in your heart, because right now, that’s where you need them most. 

The next moments are spent alternately thinking of those you’ve hurt.  The conversations that ended cruelly.  Words that were said that you want to take back right now, even if you meant them at the time.  Wounds resurface and guilt springs anew.  You find yourself wishing you could change the outcome, just so you wouldn’t feel so badly about it right now.  Mostly, you wish that if you left this world right now, this would not be how they would remember you.     

Then you return the real moment.  One of those people that you love is hurting.  And you can’t take it away.  There is no magic cure.  All you can offer is a shoulder, a kind word, an offer to handle the mundane things that are needed to keep the rest of the world moving.  There are animals that need to be fed.  Phone calls that need to be made.  Mail needs to be checked.  Food must be consumed.  For them the world has stopped.  Time is a holding pattern.  The ‘show is going on’ without them for a time.  All you can do is love them until the answers are known.

For my friend, there is no happy ending.  No joyful insights.  The second test confirmed the first, there was no response.  The damage was too great.  The machines were keeping her body alive, but her soul was gone.  I know there is nothing I can do for her or her husband but be here to support them in their grief.  All those things I needed to do yesterday are not as important today.  Making sure they take the time to eat and sleep is.  Taking care of them so they can take care of each other.  Their life is in chaos.  I cannot make the pain go away, but I can try and contain some of the chaos.  In the end, all they are left with, all we are left with, is the love we have for each other.  It is all we have to sustain and carry us through when the rest of the world pushes on, and ours is standing still.

Character Assassination

I am in shock. The pain of what you insinuate, nay what you speak as though truth, cuts me to the core. I will never see you the same way again. And deep down even you know it's not true. But it will not stop you from using your malicious lies to poison people against me. What have I done to deserve this kind of treatment? What could possibly justify trying, and in some cases succeeding, to create bold lies to turn opinions against me? Why the assassination?

For the record, I NEVER was unfaithful to our relationship. I take commitment seriously. I would never want to be the one on the other end, so I would never put anyone else there either. When I say yes, I go in full hearted. I am loyal to a fault. I could not live with myself or the guilt of breaking that commitment. My morals are not ambiguous. To be unfaithful is to consciously disrespect and hurt the person you are committed to. It is the deepest and most complete way to destroy another human being. The thought of it makes me sick. I would not wish that kind of pain on ANYONE. And in general, when I make a commitment, I see it through to the bloody, sometimes, painful end. And I do so with a clear conscious. And it is not a part of my character that I can hide. It is written in my actions. And to even imply contrary is incorrect. But that doesn't stop you, does it?

You make the claim I did not honor the commitment I made to you. You are lying. And if you honestly believe your own words, then you never knew me. You claim I betrayed you, I question when? I may have hurt you, but that does not excuse maligning my character.

You claim 'your friends' hate me. But how could they form such a strong dislike without fuel. You have purposely spread rumors to ensure people would take 'your side' in the battlefield that only exists in your mind. I am not fighting against you; you are fighting against you. But you have made others believe they have to take sides. You have become a very petty person. I would never ask a friend to chose. There are people who believe the lies you have started. What does that say about them? They judge based not on fact, but on your anger and hurt. You have destroyed my friendships with these lies. But that is what you want, isn't it? You need someone to be as miserable as you are. You need someone to dwell in your hurt and anger as well. You have succeeded. There are people I will no longer talk to knowing you have been spreading your poison. I will not exist in your counter reality or answer to the inquisition you sentence me to. And the weak souls who blindly sway because of your filth are not people I want to surround myself with. I have walked away from MY friends because of you. I will never forget that.

What you have done is petty. You demean yourself as well. You show your own true character by doing this. You may have attacked me with your words, but what have your actions done to you? Truth is hard to extinguish. It finds a way to burn through the darkness. When it does, how will you look? Will it be your words or your actions that will speak the loudest?

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