Chaos

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And yet, amidst the chaos and pain, the show must go on.

And as my wise friend added…and yet, amidst the sadness, love endures and sustains.

Yesterday I wasn’t feeling the greatest.  I was still recovering from a small bout of food poison that left my stomach in ruins on Monday.  I needed to get out on the bike.  My last 2 rides were too far apart and both felt awful.  My muscles hurt, my breathing was off, I felt wiped after both rides…and they were only 8.5 miles.  My shortest in months. I have 3 loads of laundry that need to be put away.    My house needs to be cleaned.  Really cleaned.  Top to bottom cleaned and organized before we get into production.  I have a grant to revise and get out for comments before we go into production.  I have work to catch up on after being out on Monday.  I have work to catch up on since I am still doing more than my job title can handle.  I have work to catch up on because with all the other things, I am very easily distracted.  I feel pulled in a million different directions and it’s stressing me out.  My life feels like chaos.  I knew yesterday was not going to be a great day before I even got out of bed.  I had no idea how true those thoughts would turn out to be.

I arrived late at work after trying to calm a headache (not enough water Monday).  I felt out of sorts and unprepared for my Tuesday meeting.  But I was going to make the most of it and get as much done as I could.  I ran my reports, got my first count done for the day, returned a few phone calls.  Behind, but moving forward; not a terrible start to a day.  All I needed was a little I Heart Radio to motivate me to keep going.  And that’s when I saw the smiley text message icon.  Why are they smiley?  The information in that text was nothing to smile about.  It was about to turn my whole day on its head…and it had barely started.

One of my best friends sent a text: Her mother-in-law had suffered a ruptured aneurysm and had been airlifted from East Grand Forks to Abbot Northwestern Hospital in the cities.  They had run all the reflex and EEG tests Monday night.  They indicated no response.  They were running them again at noon.  Please pray.

Nothing brings life into clearer focus than sudden tragic news.  Problems become trivial when you hear of life and death struggles so close to home.  Your heart stops.  Stomach drops.  You forget to breathe.  Your eyes overflow.  And you forget to worry about all the little things.  Even if only for a few moments.  And the only thing that matters in those few precious moments is love. 

Those moments are a reminder that life is fragile and truly unpredictable.  That the only thing we can give to one another that is lasting is our feelings…good or bad…and the words and actions that accompany them.  Those moments are spent thinking of the people that continually change your life.  Those that waking up without tomorrow would be unbearable.  You recall last conversations; did you make sure to tell them you loved them?  When was the last time you reached out and just let them know you think about them?  You start to write mental letters to send, jump on Facebook to say a quick hello, grab your phone to send that text.  You tuck these people a little tighter in your heart, because right now, that’s where you need them most. 

The next moments are spent alternately thinking of those you’ve hurt.  The conversations that ended cruelly.  Words that were said that you want to take back right now, even if you meant them at the time.  Wounds resurface and guilt springs anew.  You find yourself wishing you could change the outcome, just so you wouldn’t feel so badly about it right now.  Mostly, you wish that if you left this world right now, this would not be how they would remember you.     

Then you return the real moment.  One of those people that you love is hurting.  And you can’t take it away.  There is no magic cure.  All you can offer is a shoulder, a kind word, an offer to handle the mundane things that are needed to keep the rest of the world moving.  There are animals that need to be fed.  Phone calls that need to be made.  Mail needs to be checked.  Food must be consumed.  For them the world has stopped.  Time is a holding pattern.  The ‘show is going on’ without them for a time.  All you can do is love them until the answers are known.

For my friend, there is no happy ending.  No joyful insights.  The second test confirmed the first, there was no response.  The damage was too great.  The machines were keeping her body alive, but her soul was gone.  I know there is nothing I can do for her or her husband but be here to support them in their grief.  All those things I needed to do yesterday are not as important today.  Making sure they take the time to eat and sleep is.  Taking care of them so they can take care of each other.  Their life is in chaos.  I cannot make the pain go away, but I can try and contain some of the chaos.  In the end, all they are left with, all we are left with, is the love we have for each other.  It is all we have to sustain and carry us through when the rest of the world pushes on, and ours is standing still.

The aftermath

It’s over. The night has ended. Everyone is home. Everyone is safe. And I am left with all of this. The feelings. The emotions. The numbness and yet intense pain.

He arrived early. Probably for the best. Let us get a firm footing before adding others to the mix. I was talking to my neighbor. I was trying to prolong being alone with him. To acknowledging he was here. In the flesh. After 8 years. It was happening. The reconnection. I hid for a few mins. Trying to assess what was happening. How this was going to work. He was here. And I wasn’t sure how to react. But I was happy. The moment is still fresh. I can still see it. The car. His tentative smile. Mine in return. It was him. A few years older. But the eyes and the smile were the same. We stood there awkwardly for a few seconds. Pretending we knew what to do and this was no big deal. The years and the miles scorched away for a few seconds. We were just us. Two friends. Separated by only a few days, months maybe, but not years. We stepped inside. Alone for the first time. And he opened his arms. Everything melted away. Here he stood. One of my best friends from yesterday. His embrace was gentle and warm and I gladly accepted it. Was grateful for the offer. It is a moment I will lock away. In that hug was relief, comfort, forgiveness, and maybe just a little bliss. A chance for us each to atone for the silence. A moment I may never forget. We were there. Two friends. The past intermingled with the now. Whatever came next we could handle.

Then words. Trying to fill the space. Still slightly uncomfortable what to say. A silent understanding to leave the past unspoken for now. Try and fill the space of now. A tour of my home. To introduce him to the me of today. The 30 seconds of catch up carefully avoiding the few landmines that hung there. The mention of the girlfriend. Joy and sorrow truly mixed. Joy that he has found peace. Sorrow for the conversations that might never happen. It would be unfair of me to remind him of the wounds. I know I will like her. I see what she has done for him. She must be amazing. And honestly, I can’t wait to meet her. She is going to give up everything to be with him, and he is willing to let her. She must be wonderful. He loves her deeply. And I know I will love her too. In time. If he lets me.

Sorrow. A sorrow I didn’t know I would feel. The finality is there. There is no chance to rekindle anything. Confusion whether I wanted to. We were in the past. Our present is not connected to that time. He is committed. I respect that. I will support him because he needs that. He deserves that. And I am genuinely happy for him. Even though I died a little. My heart sank yet soared. And it came to me. Suddenly. Unexpectedly. I love him. The intensity stole the breath from my lungs for a moment. I love him. Still. Truly. Honestly. Profoundly. He was some mysterious sway over me even years later. After all the silence. After the non answers. The anger. The frustrations. The pain. It’s still there. Pulling my heart in a direction it forgot. I would be content to be by his side. But he has chosen another. And my heart is warmed to see him happy. And I am not miserable to know this, yet crushed that fate has been sealed.

But I thought I was past this. All of this. Past him. Past the connection my heart felt when we were together. Past the stabbing pain when someone would mention his name. Past never being able to look at his picture. I had moved forward as well. Loved another. Was content with another. Have I been lying to myself? Was the ex right? Do I still ‘pine’ for him? Will I always love him? Does that mean I will not be able to fully love another? Or will speaking it make it less powerful? Or is the heart simply wondrous enough to find room for it all? Do I want this feeling to go away? I just wasn’t prepared to feel this way. Anger, yes. Joy, yes. Love…no. I cherish those few minuets we had alone. To let the range of emotions sweep over me. To give me a chance to just experience them. I am not sure if I hid them from him. I tried. It would be unfair of me to show him this.

People arrived. Hellos all around. I gave him space to reacquaint with others. To get to know them again too. To reconnect with the others from yesterday. I think he needed us. Needed to be surrounded by people who once knew him. People who still support him. People who will surround him if he will let us. We want to be his friends. We want him to know he’s welcome here. That when he hits these crossroads, he’s not alone.

The evening was spent laughing. Joking. Catching up. Talking about nothing in particular. Grilling, eating, drinking. The things we all did best. The things we all enjoy. The conversation flowed. No one brought up the silence. No one asked why. We just accepted that today was today and it was good enough for all of us. It was fun. It was enjoyable. It was healing. And it was needed. It had been too long. We are not the same. But that didn’t mean we couldn’t be friends. We could forgive and forget and be in the moment. I hope others felt this way. I hope it will happen again. I hope that it was a beginning. Because I don’t want to cut him out. No matter how I feel.

I want you to be happy; even while my heart is crumbling. Exposed to the cruel light of reality. A reality I didn’t know existed. A reality I think I didn’t want to know. It hurt. I looked through my pictures from college tonight. An album I keep in a drawer. I haven’t looked at them in a long time. I have 10 pictures of us. Images that set my heart ablaze. 10 pictures of a time when we were us before all of this. 10 pictures that I can only look at on occasion because they make me sad. They remind me of your loss, both love and kinship. But tonight, I wanted to remember. Because tonight I remembered how much I love you. I know now that I love you enough to stand by you and celebrate your love to someone else. I love you enough to finally let you go. Enough to see how happy you are. To know that the musings of who we were and what we might have been are mine and mine alone. I love you enough to keep the thoughts of who we could be buried. And finally move on for real. You are wonderful, complicated, and amazing. Please understand though how much my heart is aching for you. How hard this is for me. And how much I wish you all the happiness the world can offer. How much I have no intention of ever telling you any of this. I love you enough for this.

We are something special when our lives intersect. I desire, more than anything else, to be your friend. You make me better. Your friendship makes me whole. You complete me in your understanding of me. Your ability to put my mind at peace proves that. We are friends. I’ve missed you, my friend. I have shed tears tonight for all we could have been. For all the memories of a future my mind had long forgotten. For all that we have missed all these years. The connection still thrives. Our lives will forever intersect.

I have cried to God himself for guidance. You need to be happy and complete. And so do I. And if being on the sidelines means being able to be your friend, then I will be there. I know I will find that kind of love too. The completeness that comes from entwining my life to another. We will both find it. All we’ve searched for. And it won’t be together. My tears will be answered. Our hearts will be filled. But please, dear Matthew, promise we will be friends. That’s all I ask you. That’s what I pray for. That tonight is not good bye. That the last few hours were a breathtaking hello. That the foundation has been laid to a new kind of kinship. I pray also that tomorrow the light will be warm and kind and the offer of friendship will be there. That the healing can be completed.

I promise you my heart will heal. The pain will lessen. The smile on my lips will be real. This time I have closure. The thing I was denied before. I have heard the truth from you. It won’t stop me from loving you. But it also won’t change my desire to be your friend. It’s been a long time, and I have missed you. Don’t let this be goodbye.

Lost Love

It’s officially over. I should be more crushed then I am. At least I feel like I should be. But it’s been over for so long, I have done my mourning. That’s not to say I don’t feel badly. I feel terrible. There are still a range of emotions, but they are tame compared to most break ups. Not that I have a lot of experience. Was it entirely his fault? Of course not. Was it entirely my fault? No. There is blame to assign all over the board. We both did things that contributed to the break down. There was a time I would have been happy to spend my life content with who we were. To watch our love grow and flourish. But it is not meant to me. Never was. I admit I did things that truly sealed our fate. I was not support of enough. That is not a pity statement; it’s one of actual fact. I distanced myself. I can be self righteous and say it was to insulate myself from the pain, but I think I had lost interest and just didn't know how to tell him. So I tried to get him to break up with me. Not a good idea for self preservation. Not that I really understood what I was doing at the time. But the signs are there in retrospect. I loved him. In a way I still do. Always will. He holds a piece of my childhood. But I haven’t been in love with him for a long time. We hit a crossroad and we went different directions. We held on to each other to keep at least one thing from changing. And now it’s over. Relationship, friendship…all of it. I mourn for the friendship. We always said we would end it before we lost that. He is not a bad person. These last few months he has gone out of his way to try and make me happy. He will make someone very happy, someday soon I hope, just not me. He hurt me and my response was to put up a wall. This was the inevitable result. And we both were hurt. I feel terrible for causing him anguish.

But this is not a pity post. This is more of a self reflection post. I have come to a place where I must honor what was right and not focus on what was wrong. There were good things. We were best friends. We trusted each other. When we were ‘on’ we complimented each other well. It was a good relationship most of the time. One to learn from and grow from. It’s wasn't perfect, but it was ours and we were happy for a time. A long time.

But there was one thing he said that stopped me in my tracks. He told me I should find my former love. That when I talk about him I speak longingly. That was enough to bring on strange and vivid dreams. I write because I am not sure what to think of the statement or the dreams. I need to process where I can see what I am saying. I long for those days in college when I lived with my friends without a care in the world; expect getting enough studying done to pass my classes. I long for the days when I lived with my best friend and could stay up all night talking about everything and nothing with her. And yes, part of me longs for how it felt to be deeply in love and be love deeply in return. At the time he was the other half I didn't know I was missing. But that was then. Now I am not sure if it’s him, or the feeling I long for. I can honestly say I have never felt like that about anyone. But I am hopeful I will. I would like to be able to say I know what happened between us and why it is no more. But I can’t. I wasn't invited to the break up. I was told about it afterwards by someone else; he didn't want to speak to me anymore because he felt he had screwed things up. We were going to road trip up the east coast together. go where the road led us, camp where the sights were beautiful. I had looked forward to it and he canceled the trip. It hurt, but I didn't yell at him. He said he was trying to protect me from spending money I didn't really have. I had never had anyone try and protect me like that. I was flattered; disappointed, but flattered. But I didn't yell and tell him he was horrible. I didn't react the way he expected me to. I threw in a wrench into his knowledge of who I was. He didn't screw up in the way he thought he had, but didn't get the chance to tell him that. And that was how that ended ‘not with a bang…but a whimper’. It hurt. I was crushed when he wouldn't talk to me. I really thought we meant more to each other than that. But I healed and moved on. I do not wish him ill nor do I pine for him. He’s not the same person he was then, nor am I. I have not known him longer than I have known him. How can you long for someone you don’t even know? Can you?

To be fair and very honest, I never compared them. Neither the men nor the relationships. I am not sure I ever felt as deeply for the ex as I did for the former love, but that doesn't mean I cared any less. They were like ‘apples and screwdrivers’; there were no similarities. There were amazing things about both. I feel in love for different reasons and the things I value in each person are not the same. There were never any conscious comparisons. That would be unfair to both and would dishonor the uniqueness that was each relationship. Now if there was only a way to squish those things into one relationship. That would be a big step in the right direction.

I didn’t want to over analyze. Too late I know. Spending time in Phoenix this last weekend was exactly what I needed to do. Take some time away with someone who knew me intimately and many who didn’t know me at all. To unwind and let my brain settle down. To not think about the last few weeks. And I knew I would be reminded of my former love. And it was good to hear about him. To be reminded that he has moved on. He has a life I know nothing about. And that I don’t know him anymore. It didn’t hurt as much to hear his name. To see pictures of him. To know that one day we will have to be in the same place, and to finally be at peace with that and with him. I will never have the answers I seek. I am not sure he can give them to me himself. But I can recall with a smile for the first time in 6 years memories that have been painful to remember. I can pull out the long forgotten album and remember how good it was to feel so in love. I can try and honor what was good. I haven’t really thought about ‘what might have been’. I still don’t. The road leads where it will lead and if we don’t grab a hold of what we want, it slips away. I wonder about the future and try and learn from the past. A part of me will always belong to him. That doesn’t mean there is nothing left of me or that I long for that part. It belongs with him at that time in that place. It’s safe and undiminished. A reminder of who I was and where I have come. And that makes me smile. To remember a time when I was wild and crazy in love. I can remember what it felt like, so I will know it when I find it again. And hold on a little tighter and fight a little harder for it. I am grateful to that man in that time for that kind of love.

I do not know who is around the next curve or where the path will lead. I face it with excitement. I do not need to find love. I am loved. I am content for now to stop and smell the lilacs and watch the daisy bloom. I have closed the gate on this relationship and am ready to see what’s beyond this place. I am ready to start unpacking the past relationship to see what treasure I had long forgotten about. I admit with all the reminiscing, there is a part of me what would like to see the fire again even if just to feel its warmth for a brief moment. And a part of me that wonders what other sparks might be kindling just up ahead. But then again, that’s the beauty of the future, only she knows.