The Big Picture

This is not what I dreamed my life would look like. Somehow it’s more than I ever knew to dream for.

That’s not to say ‘all my dreams have come true.’ They are still a few left to realize. Reality is just more than I knew what to hope for. I stand on a path I would not have chosen then I started, but the joy that I now look at, has made the journey more meaningful.

Not every bump has worth. Most were the result of the choices I made with consequences less than I desired. There is not always worth in things that bring one pain, anger, or humiliation. But there are always lessons in those bumps if one slows down long enough to be taught. Things that can be applied as the path leads on, to avoid future bumps. Some bumps are bigger than others. But I have surprised myself with how few still stick out. There are even a few that I take some pride in. Those are the bumps that have been worth it.

But right now, I am not thinking about those bumps from the past. I am only thinking about a few that may lie ahead and how I can prepare for them. I am thinking of these bumps with excitement. I know they will be there. I know there will be much to learn from them. But these bumps mean something amazing has happened for them to be a possibility.

I’m not trying to sound as cliché as I think I am being. I have certainly not been wandering lost through a deep dark wood. The path has been taking more twists and turns, and there has been more shade than I would like. But the beauty of shade: you can always still see the light. It was always there guiding me, I just had to press on to get to it. I never dreamed this path would be straight; just maybe that I would be able to anticipate more of the twists and see more of the turns before they actually happened. I like to plan things out. I like to know where I am going and when. I like to be in control. I don’t like the unexpected. It knots my stomach like a pretzel. I get disoriented and disgruntled. I try to handle it as best as I can, taking as few casualties as possible. Grinning and bearing it is an art form for me, one I try hard to paint. I think this is why things seem to be better than I knew to dream.

Every little girl has a dream about what they want their future to look like. It’s always been hard to reconcile when something in that dream had to change for me. I have always been driven to see it all come true exactly as I imagined it. I have always been a planner. This is why it’s so funny that I am never on time. Sometimes I am too busy planning it out, that it never gets done. But for me, there always comes a time when the dream and reality must be weighed.
At this point in my life I dreamed I would be married and at least planning (see, that word again) on starting a family. I dreamed on a home with a yard and of course a dog. I dreamed of a good job I enjoy doing making a wage to make the rest of the dream possible. I dreamed I would have a partner who would share my ups and downs. A partner who would share in the emotional and financial responsibility of this dream. A nice rosy picture huh? The further I journey, the more this ‘dream’ no longer sounds ideal. This ‘dream’ is so not there I am.

So what is my reality? My reality is that I have, by societal standards, failed at the relationship part. Lots could (and have) been said about the only two long term, emotionally mature relationships I have been in. But to me fail is a strong word. I haven’t failed. They may not have made it to my reality, but each of them has lead to a greater understanding of who I am and how I function in a relationship. I have learned that sometimes you grown in different directions than your partner and ultimately the relationship must end for the health of both people involved. That is not necessarily anyone’s fault. The failure comes when you fail to recognize it and you cease to grow. My reality is that I am surrounded by people who love me. Friends and family who emotionally support me daily and will always be available to help lessen the burdens. I have people who share and empathize with my ups and downs, and let me share in theirs. I don’t need to be attached to any one person to find that reality.

My reality is that I have no children. I am not planning on having children anytime in the immediate future nor to I anticipate that to change for quite some time. My reality is that I don’t need to give birth to have children or for my life to have meaning to a child. I volunteer with children and youth on a weekly basis. They remember my name. They smile and greet me when they see me; even when in public. I know I have made a connection. That makes me feel good. I have a niece that thinks the world of me, and I would do anything for her. I have a godchild that I get to spoil and love. I get to watch them grow and forever be a part of them. My friends have children. I get to love and play with them. I get to care for and about them without having to spend the sleepless nights. And I have a responsibility to live my life with dignity for each of them. They are my reminders to strive to be a better person. My life is surrounded by children. I get to be a role model without ever having to give birth.

My reality is I don’t own a dog, but I do have a dog. My sister came home with a cute, fuzzy little puppy (who was born 8 years ago today!) one summer day. The now 70 lbs, medium size dog has become the family dog. We are collectively her pack. She is a full member of the family with all rights there contained. She instinctively protects all of us, as we do her. She whines and wiggles at the top of the stairs when each of us walks through the door. Her needs are always considered when making decisions for the family. And in return, she loves out without conditions. There is something wonderful about the love of a dog. The unwavering trust. They joy at seeing you no matter the amount of time you have been away. It doesn’t matter I physically live with her or not, I am a part of Sammi’s pack. She is my dog.

My reality is that I don’t down a single family house with a cute little yard and a white picket fence (a little too Martha Stewart anyway). But soon, I will own my own house. And it will be my name on the mortgage. And only mine. I didn’t need someone else to make this a part of my reality. I did it on my own. I get the joy of painting the rooms the colors that I like. I get to pick out the flooring. I get to make the repairs, replace appliances, scrape popcorn off the ceilings, and keep things running smoothly. I am the only one I have to please with my choices. I never thought I would be able to do this on my own. It’s a huge responsibility, and a vast source of joy.

My reality is that I work for a company I can be proud to be a part of. I have co-workers who are helpful and willing to share their experience with me. I have the financial resources to make sure I can still dream. But most importantly, I have a job I enjoy going to. I am doing something worthwhile and have the support of those around me. I have been set up so that success if the only option. I may not be doing the work of my dreams, but I am working for the company of my dreams.

My reality is: I am happy.

My reality is only an alteration of my dreams. The elements all exist, just in a different way. I don’t need a partner for love and suport, I am surrounded by people who love me. I don’t need biological children, I have a vast number in my life already. I don’t need a big house with a big yard; I have a townhouse with a huge deck. I didn’t know to dream for any of this. It’s where the path has lead me. Those twists, turns, and bumps have lead to me to a place full of joy. I am prepared to handle the next leg of the journey. My patience and perseverance has been rewarded. And there are so many people to thank. I am grateful I don’t have to try and do it all alone.

I am not normally an openly optimistic person. Cautiously optimistic at best. But the need to slow down and do a reality check has been great. There have been so many changes in the last few months, with so many more on the way. Reflection and perspective are needed. I have had to let go of a lot and embrace so much. I like where I am. This is not what I would have thought happiness looked like. This is so different than I had hoped for, yet I can’t help but smile when I think of it all. I feel ready to tackle the next few dreams. I have opened my mind to the possibility that change isn’t always bad. Change is a better catalyst than planning. Losing control doesn’t mean having to give up, it means going with the flow until I find a better foothold. I still marvel over how everything is different, but still somehow where I wanted to be. This dream is far more than I knew it could be.

Overreacting: the Break Up Edition

Continuation of the last post. I got to go and play with my goddaughter and her mother. My sister and Allie came too. We had a good time. I chased my goddaughter and Allie all over the play place. We went down slides, we climbed up platforms. We laughed. It felt good. The girls were exhausted. We determined it was time to go. Allie wanted to ride home with me, so we waited to them to get their stuff and we all walked out to the cars. My friend smiled and said my goddaughter would be asleep in no time. She had had a rough day. She didn't get the job she was hoping for. The one that would allow her more time with her daughter. She said that when she told my ex, he didn’t understand why she was so upset. She was exhausted too.

I talked to her the next day. I was at work and we were texting. I asked her how her day was. I asked her if my goddaughter had indeed fallen asleep on the way home. That was when she said it. ‘yeah she fell asleep, but then she woke back up when we left his house.’ She had left Allie and I and had gone back to his house. She told me they usually watch non-PG movies on Monday nights after my goddaughter falls asleep on his couch. I know she doesn’t go to sleep until close to 10pm. They are literally over there all day, evening, and most of the night on Mondays. That was how I found out exactly how much time they have been spending together. It felt like I had inconvenienced them by asking to have dinner with her. That she had agreed to meet me to humor me. it felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. I had to ask the next question, though I was pretty sure I didn’t want to hear the answer. ‘what is going on between the two of you?’. Her response was to ask me what I was talking about. Really? Was this question really that out of the blue? She has just pretty much told me she is spending one entire day a week with him, and lately he is all she talks about. What was I supposed to think?

Let’s move this away from the actual people in my narrative. Let’s make them hypothetical people. Guy breaks up with girl after dating her for more than 5 years. Within two weeks, he is spending 8-12 hours a week with someone, who is a really good friend of his ex-girl, and the girl’s daughter that he has become like a godfather too. Because of how close both girls were, he became good friends with this girl too. Guy and girl talk everyday on the phone by admission of girl. Girl breaks up with her boyfriend and makes the comment that all she wants right now if sex with no strings attached. Guy has said the same thing on multiple occasions to both girl and ex-girl. Every time the girls get together, all the girl talks about is the guy. Then, ex-girl finds out in casual conversation, that the girl, after spending an evening with the ex-girl, says she needs to get home because of very tired child and instead leaves to go see the guy so they can watch a movie and hang out some more. (not to mention with a sleeping child!) What conclusions do you draw?

I told her I was really upset by how much time they have been spending together. Especially after the big deal she made about me asking to see her a different night. She says it’s only on Mondays and not like it’s more. There is nothing going on, they are just good friends. I told her I think I need to take a break for a while. I just can’t handle sharing right now. She makes a comment about how that would be my choice then and that’s fine if that’s what I want. She is upset with me for being upset. But what gets me is the opportunity for them to try something more exists. I didn’t realize they were spending so much time together. Because I have a full time office job, I am not available to spend all day on her days off with them. I get a few hours until my goddaughter needs to go home and go to bed. I know that they have had plans to spend more than one day a week together when she has Tuesdays off too and actually have a few times. She has told me that. I feel betrayed. This is not the first time the ex has started spending a lot of time with one of my dearest friends after we have called it quits.

Am I over reacting? Probably. It’s been a rough few weeks in dealing with this whole breakup thing. This has not made things easier. I apologized for the way I sprung all this on her. I reacted to what she said. I was hurt and totally upset. I walked into the bathroom and cried at work. I was shaking and felt sick. i really did feel awful that I had heaped this on with everything she was going through with not getting the job she wanted. She accepted the apology but has not taken responsibility for her part. I need to find a way to let it go. It’s not helping in the healing process. She has said she won’t talk about him anymore. There is a huge part of me that wants to find the banking job she wants. Then she works on Mondays. And he will only get a night too. It’s awful and spiteful. But it’s the truth. I can say with an absolute certainty that if anything does happen between them, I will not be able to just forgive and forget. That will be the final breaking point.

that point

I have hit that point. The point where the depression and anger take over. It was a hard week last week. I smiled through it and tried to be my ‘normal’ self. But there was a turbulent storm going on behind the scenes. I have been spending Tuesday nights with my…now our…friend and my…now our…goddaughter, and he took Mondays. This week I am not able to see them on Tuesday. It’s happened before, and I ask if there is another day later in the week we can get together and it usually doesn’t work out because of my friend’s work schedule. So I miss out on those weeks. Last week I asked if we could meet on Monday night instead just skipping. I am tired of missing out because there is no other day that works and she usually only has Monday and Tuesday nights off. And the last several weeks, my friend has been spending her Monday and some Tuesday days with him. She is trying to find a new job and has been using his computer since they have the same days off. I get 2 hours at most once a week with them. He gets 8 or 10. I figured at the very least they could get together on Tuesday, but I figured they were going to be together all day on Monday. I was hoping it wouldn’t be a big deal if she left a few hours earlier than normal and met me at an indoor park for an hour or so. She said she would have to ask him. He didn’t like the idea at all. She said he purposely avoided giving her an answer. I didn’t feel like I was asking for too much. He has been spending a lot more time with them than I have. This is something that will come up every now and then and we will both have to compromise. She finally told him she needed an answer and he told her on Saturday that he guessed it would be fine. Since he’s the one who doesn’t want to see me, he needs to be somewhat flexible. I am not going to make this a routine about switching days. I will probably not ask again since it was such a big deal. I invited him to come to the park with us. It feels like he was trying to hurt me. When I called this afternoon to figure out times, guess where they were? Yep….his house. He still got to see her, and a whole lot longer than I did. So what was the big deal?

I have hit that point. The point where I am sick of sharing MY friend and MY goddaughter. It’s irrational. I know that he is the only stable male in my goddaughter’s life. And that they are important to each other. I know that he is a good thing for her. I know that he and my friend and now good friends and that she seeks his advice and guidance when things aren’t going right. I know that I shouldn’t feel this way. But I do. And I don’t know what to do about it. There is a large part of me at this point that is angry at both of them. My friend and I have known each other since the 8^th grade. She met him about 2 years ago. She asked me to be her daughter’s godmother. She didn’t know him at that point. He wasn’t there at her baptism. He doesn’t believe in God. He became her godfather months after he finally agreed to meet them after months of me asking him. I know that the relationship exists and that I can’t ask her to make a choice. I have tried so hard to be ok with it. But right now I am not. I don’t want to have to share them with someone who doesn’t want anything to do with me. I don’t want to have to wonder where she is when I call. I don’t want to hear about all the things they do when they are together. I don’t want to feel like I can’t be a part of their lives because there is a part I have to miss out on. What are we going to do when birthday’s come? Do we have to set up visitations for Christmas? How do we handle events where there is only one event and we should both be there? I am so afraid that I am not going to get asked. I am afraid that I am not as important now that WE are not together.

Our goddaughter went away for the weekend with her grandmother last weekend. She asked him to go see a movie. She didn’t think to ask me if I wanted to do something, I had to call her. I fear that I am losing her as a friend; that I am only around to see our goddaughter. There is a part of me that feels that I should be the one to bow out for a while. She doesn’t need me as much as she needs him. And I don’t want to hear about him. I can’t really talk to my friend about this. Then it becomes her problem. And it’s not. It’s ours…it’s mine. I don’t want to miss out, but I feel like I already am. I am angry because I know that this is a part of grieving. This is a part of figuring things out after ending a relationship that enveloped so much of our lives. I know I should feel this way, but shouldn’t all at the same time. I only have a small group of good friends, and at least 2 of them have become OUR friends. And in the ‘divorce’, I can’t help but feel he gets them both. It’s the grief and anger talking. But it makes me depressed and angry. Why do I have to share what was mine first?

Lost Love

It’s officially over. I should be more crushed then I am. At least I feel like I should be. But it’s been over for so long, I have done my mourning. That’s not to say I don’t feel badly. I feel terrible. There are still a range of emotions, but they are tame compared to most break ups. Not that I have a lot of experience. Was it entirely his fault? Of course not. Was it entirely my fault? No. There is blame to assign all over the board. We both did things that contributed to the break down. There was a time I would have been happy to spend my life content with who we were. To watch our love grow and flourish. But it is not meant to me. Never was. I admit I did things that truly sealed our fate. I was not support of enough. That is not a pity statement; it’s one of actual fact. I distanced myself. I can be self righteous and say it was to insulate myself from the pain, but I think I had lost interest and just didn't know how to tell him. So I tried to get him to break up with me. Not a good idea for self preservation. Not that I really understood what I was doing at the time. But the signs are there in retrospect. I loved him. In a way I still do. Always will. He holds a piece of my childhood. But I haven’t been in love with him for a long time. We hit a crossroad and we went different directions. We held on to each other to keep at least one thing from changing. And now it’s over. Relationship, friendship…all of it. I mourn for the friendship. We always said we would end it before we lost that. He is not a bad person. These last few months he has gone out of his way to try and make me happy. He will make someone very happy, someday soon I hope, just not me. He hurt me and my response was to put up a wall. This was the inevitable result. And we both were hurt. I feel terrible for causing him anguish.

But this is not a pity post. This is more of a self reflection post. I have come to a place where I must honor what was right and not focus on what was wrong. There were good things. We were best friends. We trusted each other. When we were ‘on’ we complimented each other well. It was a good relationship most of the time. One to learn from and grow from. It’s wasn't perfect, but it was ours and we were happy for a time. A long time.

But there was one thing he said that stopped me in my tracks. He told me I should find my former love. That when I talk about him I speak longingly. That was enough to bring on strange and vivid dreams. I write because I am not sure what to think of the statement or the dreams. I need to process where I can see what I am saying. I long for those days in college when I lived with my friends without a care in the world; expect getting enough studying done to pass my classes. I long for the days when I lived with my best friend and could stay up all night talking about everything and nothing with her. And yes, part of me longs for how it felt to be deeply in love and be love deeply in return. At the time he was the other half I didn't know I was missing. But that was then. Now I am not sure if it’s him, or the feeling I long for. I can honestly say I have never felt like that about anyone. But I am hopeful I will. I would like to be able to say I know what happened between us and why it is no more. But I can’t. I wasn't invited to the break up. I was told about it afterwards by someone else; he didn't want to speak to me anymore because he felt he had screwed things up. We were going to road trip up the east coast together. go where the road led us, camp where the sights were beautiful. I had looked forward to it and he canceled the trip. It hurt, but I didn't yell at him. He said he was trying to protect me from spending money I didn't really have. I had never had anyone try and protect me like that. I was flattered; disappointed, but flattered. But I didn't yell and tell him he was horrible. I didn't react the way he expected me to. I threw in a wrench into his knowledge of who I was. He didn't screw up in the way he thought he had, but didn't get the chance to tell him that. And that was how that ended ‘not with a bang…but a whimper’. It hurt. I was crushed when he wouldn't talk to me. I really thought we meant more to each other than that. But I healed and moved on. I do not wish him ill nor do I pine for him. He’s not the same person he was then, nor am I. I have not known him longer than I have known him. How can you long for someone you don’t even know? Can you?

To be fair and very honest, I never compared them. Neither the men nor the relationships. I am not sure I ever felt as deeply for the ex as I did for the former love, but that doesn't mean I cared any less. They were like ‘apples and screwdrivers’; there were no similarities. There were amazing things about both. I feel in love for different reasons and the things I value in each person are not the same. There were never any conscious comparisons. That would be unfair to both and would dishonor the uniqueness that was each relationship. Now if there was only a way to squish those things into one relationship. That would be a big step in the right direction.

I didn’t want to over analyze. Too late I know. Spending time in Phoenix this last weekend was exactly what I needed to do. Take some time away with someone who knew me intimately and many who didn’t know me at all. To unwind and let my brain settle down. To not think about the last few weeks. And I knew I would be reminded of my former love. And it was good to hear about him. To be reminded that he has moved on. He has a life I know nothing about. And that I don’t know him anymore. It didn’t hurt as much to hear his name. To see pictures of him. To know that one day we will have to be in the same place, and to finally be at peace with that and with him. I will never have the answers I seek. I am not sure he can give them to me himself. But I can recall with a smile for the first time in 6 years memories that have been painful to remember. I can pull out the long forgotten album and remember how good it was to feel so in love. I can try and honor what was good. I haven’t really thought about ‘what might have been’. I still don’t. The road leads where it will lead and if we don’t grab a hold of what we want, it slips away. I wonder about the future and try and learn from the past. A part of me will always belong to him. That doesn’t mean there is nothing left of me or that I long for that part. It belongs with him at that time in that place. It’s safe and undiminished. A reminder of who I was and where I have come. And that makes me smile. To remember a time when I was wild and crazy in love. I can remember what it felt like, so I will know it when I find it again. And hold on a little tighter and fight a little harder for it. I am grateful to that man in that time for that kind of love.

I do not know who is around the next curve or where the path will lead. I face it with excitement. I do not need to find love. I am loved. I am content for now to stop and smell the lilacs and watch the daisy bloom. I have closed the gate on this relationship and am ready to see what’s beyond this place. I am ready to start unpacking the past relationship to see what treasure I had long forgotten about. I admit with all the reminiscing, there is a part of me what would like to see the fire again even if just to feel its warmth for a brief moment. And a part of me that wonders what other sparks might be kindling just up ahead. But then again, that’s the beauty of the future, only she knows.