Growing Up

One day you wake up, look in the mirror, and realize: you are a grown up.  No fanfare.  No big party to celebrate.  No milestone.  Just the realization that getting up, putting on slacks, mentally running through the list of 'to dos' at the office that morning while walking the dog, and sitting in rush hour traffic is the norm.  It's been routine for so long, you don't remember sleeping in, going to class, or worrying about what to wear to the party on Friday (ok let's be honest...I never actually worried about that).

Now it's: do I need milk? did I pay the eye doctor bill? when is the warranty up on the fridge?  The toilet is running, I should get new parts and fix it this weekend.  Ooo...there is a sale on linens!  And I'd love to say these are just examples thought up, but they are actual thoughts I have had in the last 2 weeks.  Normal, everyday, real grown up thoughts.  

I always assumed that growing up would happen with a life event to herald in this monumental life change.

Turning 18.  That makes you a legal grown up.  You can vote, join the army, enter into contracts.  A full fledged 'grown up'.  But it didn't feel so different than 17.  Or 19 for that matter.

Going to college.  Anyone who says that going to college is 'experiencing the real world' is lying. Perhaps it was the small, private, fairly isolated college I went to, but it was the furthest thing from being an adult.  Living with your friends, only having 4 hours of class most days, maybe working 2 hours, and spending the rest of the night eating pizza, watching Friends, and 'studying' was the ultimate childhood sleep over for 4 years.

That first real job.  Making an actual paycheck that will cover more than pizza and movies.  Being partly responsible for the bottom line and day to day running on an actual company.  Even getting an apartment and paying bills felt less than accomplished.  I was still grasping for that grown up feeling.

Buying my first house.  Signing the papers (and the heart attack that come with the final price after the interest).  Being handed the keys.  Even the very grown up house warming gifts of appliances and furniture.  It was all very exciting, but it didn't feel any more adult (maybe because it was actually less money) than signing the student loans. I expected it to feel more.  I expected the trumpets, the heart pounding, the 'now you are a real grown up' feeling.  But it wasn't the light switch I was expecting.

Growing up was a quiet event.  All the experiences of adult hood entwining together to form this strong, scarred, hodgepodged adult with a life full of responsibilities and obligation.  Full of adventure, laughter, and friendship holding all the pieces together.  Full of experiences, knowledge, and empathy sought out for advice and leadership.  A beautiful, complicated, busy life.

Realization came the day I brought home my new puppy.  The decision was not made in haste, it was measured and weighed.  Would my 'first born' accept a new member into our pack?  Was the energy level of the puppy compatible with the almost 6 year old?  Could I reassure 'first born' that he was not being replaced?  Would I be able to take the appropriate time during the day to walk and feed the puppy?  Research was done for the best way to aid in the transition.  Slow introductions were made.  New items were bought weeks ahead of the puppy so the oldest could get used to their placement.  We had sleepovers before bringing puppy home permanently.  Family was introduced to puppy outside of the home so the oldest would't be jealous at the attention.  There was a lot of excitement, but the transition was deliberate, careful, and well planned.

I sat on the couch the first night our pack was together, and it occurred to me that this was the most intentional decision I had ever made.  Not which college.  Not the house.  Not even the 'first born' was made with such careful consideration.  It wasn't about how cute the puppy was.  It wasn't about how much I wanted the puppy.  It was about considering how it would effect the 'first born'.  It was how it would all fit together.  I looked at the dogs asleep next to me, in the basement of my house, after a long day at work, and I realized: I wasn't sure when or how I got here, but I was here.  I was officially a grown up.  And I found peace in that thought.  I have endured and weathered the constant battering of growing up, and now the foundation was solid.  The waves will roll.  They always roll.  But I have survived.  I am standing here with a confidence that only comes with experience.  I'm proud of the scares.  I'm happy to my bones.  I have arrived.  And I think I like it.
   

one of those weeks

Have you had one of those weeks too? The kind where the weight of responsibilities feels like it’s crushing you and you can barely breathe? Where it feels like the world is conspiring against you and there is no way out? When you fear striking out at someone who piles one more thing on top of your completely loaded day? The kind where you sit at your desk, a moment away from tears because you are just not sure how much else you can take? The week that you have no idea where any of it came from, but you will be ecstatic when it’s finally over?

I am not sure anyone would describe me as an overly flexible person. I like to be in control and prepare for things (most of the time). Or at least know what is expected of me ahead of time. For instance, I am fine with flying my the seat of my pants when teaching a lesson, however I do like to know a few days in advance that I am teaching it. so I like to control the commitment not necessarily the content. However I really have learned to ‘roll with it’ in the last year or so. change doesn’t make my stomach clench like it used to. But when I am trying to decide what to do during the week, being given a new project, with no deadline, and then being yelled at because it wasn’t done that day; or setting daily work aside to finish new project and then getting emails several times a day asking why the daily stuff wasn’t done DRIVES ME CRAZY! I just can’t win this week.

I don’t know why this week has been so bad. There were no indicators Monday morning it was going to turn out this way. I had a minor scheduling change at work (30mins earlier everyday). Didn’t seem to affect me too much Monday morning. The over loading and ‘reprioritizing’ without actually telling me what was needed when set the swing in motion. One of my new ‘goals’ at work this year is to handle consignment releases of purchased active ingredients. Sounds fancy, but it’s really not. Since I am still new at this, this requires ‘showing my math’ to my bosses and getting it all approved before I actually ‘do the work’. I spent an hour putting together the release. Only to have every piece of it scrutinized. I understand I am new at this. And it requires knowing what we have on hand, what we need, and what still needs to be released. And converting it from kg to lbs. All of it math, none of it rocket science (and I took Astronomy so I know what rocket science is). But because my bosses have done this before, they still insist on picking it apart. Double checking is good. I agree that it’s a good idea given the cost of the material. But to redo all the math, ask again how I came up with xxx amount, then agree that I did it ‘right’, is insulting. And time consuming. It took an hour longer than it should have. And hour I could have been working on my ‘normal’ daily activities.

I am in Chaska on Tuesdays. There is a production meeting that I attend and I spend the day counting and putting out inventory fires. Or finding them. $5,000 inventory fires that I checked 3 times and still have no answers for. $5,000 worth of inventory that was there at the start of the month. $5,000 worth of inventory that is technically not ours, buts on consignment for one of our customers. Not to mention fires that include a new system that is not entirely similar to the old system leaving cycle counts that cannot always be finished in one day with the report written immediately that afternoon.

I was asked to complete a project last week with no real instructions as to what I really had to do. I figured it out and emailed to make sure it was really what was expected of me and was told yes. I took the project home to ‘do the math’ so I could just enter it the next day. I thought that was all I had to do. Took me maybe an hour and I emailed it was done and thought that was the end of it. turns out there was a whole second part that needed to be updated as well, however it wasn’t as critical so no one thought to make sure I knew that part too. I was asked on Wednesday if I had finished with the second part. Well, no Mr. Boss, I didn’t realize that was a part of it. Let me work on that. Turns out, that was the longer and much more time consuming part of the project. So I spent 3 hours finishing that project. While being asked why report #1 wasn’t finished, where was #2, and when would I be done with #3. I was ready to cry I was so frustrated.

Thursday was maybe the worst so far. And the day with the least interruptions. But it didn’t feel like it helped. To start the day, my alarm went off at 7am like it was set to. The problem, it went off at 7am Central STANDARD Time. I must not have corrected the date on my clock and it switched to CST this morning instead of on Sunday morning. I was awake, dressed, made up, and walked the dog in less than 30 mins. Probably a record for me. I was unfortunately 40 mins late to work. it was a continuation of please make sure to get the extra things done, but where is the stuff you were supposed to have done last week. constant check in and reminders that the reports they requested last week were not done. could I please finish those today? what do you say to that? ‘No sorry, I think I am going to sit on my butt and play solitaire today.’ at least the problems I was expected to handle were less than they had been all week. less fire is good. I actually got to work on some of those reports. And low and behold, I got two done.

My plan today was simply to ignore everyone. The phone, the email, everything. Today I am going to get crap done damn it! that worked for maybe an hour or 2. It’s hard to ignore the person physically standing in my office. ‘Outside customer wants his order NOW. Why I haven’t even ordered their labels?’ Well, they need to have them approved by their Regulatory body first because I will NOT order them until they are. The fines can be extreme for mislabeled product. And since we are actually adhering the label to the bottle, it’s our responsibility to make sure they are correct. At least if they sign them, we can point the finger and say we had their Regulatory body’s permission. [AKA: it wouldn’t be my fault. Customers are great and all (except maybe this particular customer, they are a pain), but I am not willing to put my job on the line and cut corners for their convenience.] ‘Oh, I guess that makes sense. Can you ask them where they are with that?’ Sure. I have emailed them 2 times this week with no response. I have nothing else to do. Of course I will call them/email them yet again. NOT. Thankfully the finally emailed the approved label to me. They were holding up the process, but somehow it will still be my fault. I did finally get the first part needed to the last report I need to get out. still have to write the report, but I have a half hour to pull that off. Won’t be spectacular, but it will be DONE!

I had my one year review last Friday. One of the things I mentioned that I felt I should be better managing my time. I felt I hadn’t done as great of a job with that last year. There were a lot of days I felt like I didn’t get anything done. there were a lot of things that were not done on time. There were labels that were not in house in time for production. Whether or not that was my fault, it was my responsibility because it’s my job. I have been hyper aware of time management since. (My boss actually disagreed with me on that point. He said that he felt I did fine considering how much we actually got done and delays were inevitable.) This week I have made lists of what I wanted to get done each day to try and keep up with the flow of work. I have gotten 2 things on those 4 lists done so far this week. It has not been a good feeling to have to include yesterday’s list on today’s list. It’s a pretty long list at this point. I feel like I have really failed this week. it’s not entirely my fault. I have taken work home to try and catch up. I am frustrated. Close to tears. Stressed out. And extremely over caffeinated as a result.

But maybe I am looking at those lists wrong. Perhaps I should be creating a list of what I did get done every day. That list is a better curser to what was accomplished this week. there is still work outstanding. There is a lot that needs to be completed before next week’s responsibilities settle in. but I did do a lot this week. that list of what I finished that I didn’t know I had to do certainly outweighs the list of what I wanted to get done. I was so frustrated the other day, I refused to work when I got home. I walked the dog, made dinner, watched a little tv, and hung things on my very bare walls. I have a list of things I would like to have done in my house. There is a time line on some, but not on most. Hanging pictures was not on my list. But it got done. granted there are no pictures in them, but they are on the wall to remind me to put pictures in them. The hard part is done. I feel like I accomplished more this week by putting a few holes in the wall, than in 40 hours worth of work. it’s hard to retrain myself to look at the success of this week, and not the failure. I will eventually get everything done. it wasn’t on the time line set forth, but it will get done. in the mean time, I still finished a lot of things that I started. Maybe it’s the joy of the weekend being almost here. Or the relief that this week is over, but I am starting to feel better. I just have to keep saying ‘I was successful this week’. I can’t let the week beat me. there will always be another week with another list. Maybe it’s God’s way of reminding us there is always a chance to try again. Next week is still a new slate. So I am already ahead of the game. How was your week?

The Big Picture

This is not what I dreamed my life would look like. Somehow it’s more than I ever knew to dream for.

That’s not to say ‘all my dreams have come true.’ They are still a few left to realize. Reality is just more than I knew what to hope for. I stand on a path I would not have chosen then I started, but the joy that I now look at, has made the journey more meaningful.

Not every bump has worth. Most were the result of the choices I made with consequences less than I desired. There is not always worth in things that bring one pain, anger, or humiliation. But there are always lessons in those bumps if one slows down long enough to be taught. Things that can be applied as the path leads on, to avoid future bumps. Some bumps are bigger than others. But I have surprised myself with how few still stick out. There are even a few that I take some pride in. Those are the bumps that have been worth it.

But right now, I am not thinking about those bumps from the past. I am only thinking about a few that may lie ahead and how I can prepare for them. I am thinking of these bumps with excitement. I know they will be there. I know there will be much to learn from them. But these bumps mean something amazing has happened for them to be a possibility.

I’m not trying to sound as cliché as I think I am being. I have certainly not been wandering lost through a deep dark wood. The path has been taking more twists and turns, and there has been more shade than I would like. But the beauty of shade: you can always still see the light. It was always there guiding me, I just had to press on to get to it. I never dreamed this path would be straight; just maybe that I would be able to anticipate more of the twists and see more of the turns before they actually happened. I like to plan things out. I like to know where I am going and when. I like to be in control. I don’t like the unexpected. It knots my stomach like a pretzel. I get disoriented and disgruntled. I try to handle it as best as I can, taking as few casualties as possible. Grinning and bearing it is an art form for me, one I try hard to paint. I think this is why things seem to be better than I knew to dream.

Every little girl has a dream about what they want their future to look like. It’s always been hard to reconcile when something in that dream had to change for me. I have always been driven to see it all come true exactly as I imagined it. I have always been a planner. This is why it’s so funny that I am never on time. Sometimes I am too busy planning it out, that it never gets done. But for me, there always comes a time when the dream and reality must be weighed.
At this point in my life I dreamed I would be married and at least planning (see, that word again) on starting a family. I dreamed on a home with a yard and of course a dog. I dreamed of a good job I enjoy doing making a wage to make the rest of the dream possible. I dreamed I would have a partner who would share my ups and downs. A partner who would share in the emotional and financial responsibility of this dream. A nice rosy picture huh? The further I journey, the more this ‘dream’ no longer sounds ideal. This ‘dream’ is so not there I am.

So what is my reality? My reality is that I have, by societal standards, failed at the relationship part. Lots could (and have) been said about the only two long term, emotionally mature relationships I have been in. But to me fail is a strong word. I haven’t failed. They may not have made it to my reality, but each of them has lead to a greater understanding of who I am and how I function in a relationship. I have learned that sometimes you grown in different directions than your partner and ultimately the relationship must end for the health of both people involved. That is not necessarily anyone’s fault. The failure comes when you fail to recognize it and you cease to grow. My reality is that I am surrounded by people who love me. Friends and family who emotionally support me daily and will always be available to help lessen the burdens. I have people who share and empathize with my ups and downs, and let me share in theirs. I don’t need to be attached to any one person to find that reality.

My reality is that I have no children. I am not planning on having children anytime in the immediate future nor to I anticipate that to change for quite some time. My reality is that I don’t need to give birth to have children or for my life to have meaning to a child. I volunteer with children and youth on a weekly basis. They remember my name. They smile and greet me when they see me; even when in public. I know I have made a connection. That makes me feel good. I have a niece that thinks the world of me, and I would do anything for her. I have a godchild that I get to spoil and love. I get to watch them grow and forever be a part of them. My friends have children. I get to love and play with them. I get to care for and about them without having to spend the sleepless nights. And I have a responsibility to live my life with dignity for each of them. They are my reminders to strive to be a better person. My life is surrounded by children. I get to be a role model without ever having to give birth.

My reality is I don’t own a dog, but I do have a dog. My sister came home with a cute, fuzzy little puppy (who was born 8 years ago today!) one summer day. The now 70 lbs, medium size dog has become the family dog. We are collectively her pack. She is a full member of the family with all rights there contained. She instinctively protects all of us, as we do her. She whines and wiggles at the top of the stairs when each of us walks through the door. Her needs are always considered when making decisions for the family. And in return, she loves out without conditions. There is something wonderful about the love of a dog. The unwavering trust. They joy at seeing you no matter the amount of time you have been away. It doesn’t matter I physically live with her or not, I am a part of Sammi’s pack. She is my dog.

My reality is that I don’t down a single family house with a cute little yard and a white picket fence (a little too Martha Stewart anyway). But soon, I will own my own house. And it will be my name on the mortgage. And only mine. I didn’t need someone else to make this a part of my reality. I did it on my own. I get the joy of painting the rooms the colors that I like. I get to pick out the flooring. I get to make the repairs, replace appliances, scrape popcorn off the ceilings, and keep things running smoothly. I am the only one I have to please with my choices. I never thought I would be able to do this on my own. It’s a huge responsibility, and a vast source of joy.

My reality is that I work for a company I can be proud to be a part of. I have co-workers who are helpful and willing to share their experience with me. I have the financial resources to make sure I can still dream. But most importantly, I have a job I enjoy going to. I am doing something worthwhile and have the support of those around me. I have been set up so that success if the only option. I may not be doing the work of my dreams, but I am working for the company of my dreams.

My reality is: I am happy.

My reality is only an alteration of my dreams. The elements all exist, just in a different way. I don’t need a partner for love and suport, I am surrounded by people who love me. I don’t need biological children, I have a vast number in my life already. I don’t need a big house with a big yard; I have a townhouse with a huge deck. I didn’t know to dream for any of this. It’s where the path has lead me. Those twists, turns, and bumps have lead to me to a place full of joy. I am prepared to handle the next leg of the journey. My patience and perseverance has been rewarded. And there are so many people to thank. I am grateful I don’t have to try and do it all alone.

I am not normally an openly optimistic person. Cautiously optimistic at best. But the need to slow down and do a reality check has been great. There have been so many changes in the last few months, with so many more on the way. Reflection and perspective are needed. I have had to let go of a lot and embrace so much. I like where I am. This is not what I would have thought happiness looked like. This is so different than I had hoped for, yet I can’t help but smile when I think of it all. I feel ready to tackle the next few dreams. I have opened my mind to the possibility that change isn’t always bad. Change is a better catalyst than planning. Losing control doesn’t mean having to give up, it means going with the flow until I find a better foothold. I still marvel over how everything is different, but still somehow where I wanted to be. This dream is far more than I knew it could be.

Overreacting: the Break Up Edition

Continuation of the last post. I got to go and play with my goddaughter and her mother. My sister and Allie came too. We had a good time. I chased my goddaughter and Allie all over the play place. We went down slides, we climbed up platforms. We laughed. It felt good. The girls were exhausted. We determined it was time to go. Allie wanted to ride home with me, so we waited to them to get their stuff and we all walked out to the cars. My friend smiled and said my goddaughter would be asleep in no time. She had had a rough day. She didn't get the job she was hoping for. The one that would allow her more time with her daughter. She said that when she told my ex, he didn’t understand why she was so upset. She was exhausted too.

I talked to her the next day. I was at work and we were texting. I asked her how her day was. I asked her if my goddaughter had indeed fallen asleep on the way home. That was when she said it. ‘yeah she fell asleep, but then she woke back up when we left his house.’ She had left Allie and I and had gone back to his house. She told me they usually watch non-PG movies on Monday nights after my goddaughter falls asleep on his couch. I know she doesn’t go to sleep until close to 10pm. They are literally over there all day, evening, and most of the night on Mondays. That was how I found out exactly how much time they have been spending together. It felt like I had inconvenienced them by asking to have dinner with her. That she had agreed to meet me to humor me. it felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. I had to ask the next question, though I was pretty sure I didn’t want to hear the answer. ‘what is going on between the two of you?’. Her response was to ask me what I was talking about. Really? Was this question really that out of the blue? She has just pretty much told me she is spending one entire day a week with him, and lately he is all she talks about. What was I supposed to think?

Let’s move this away from the actual people in my narrative. Let’s make them hypothetical people. Guy breaks up with girl after dating her for more than 5 years. Within two weeks, he is spending 8-12 hours a week with someone, who is a really good friend of his ex-girl, and the girl’s daughter that he has become like a godfather too. Because of how close both girls were, he became good friends with this girl too. Guy and girl talk everyday on the phone by admission of girl. Girl breaks up with her boyfriend and makes the comment that all she wants right now if sex with no strings attached. Guy has said the same thing on multiple occasions to both girl and ex-girl. Every time the girls get together, all the girl talks about is the guy. Then, ex-girl finds out in casual conversation, that the girl, after spending an evening with the ex-girl, says she needs to get home because of very tired child and instead leaves to go see the guy so they can watch a movie and hang out some more. (not to mention with a sleeping child!) What conclusions do you draw?

I told her I was really upset by how much time they have been spending together. Especially after the big deal she made about me asking to see her a different night. She says it’s only on Mondays and not like it’s more. There is nothing going on, they are just good friends. I told her I think I need to take a break for a while. I just can’t handle sharing right now. She makes a comment about how that would be my choice then and that’s fine if that’s what I want. She is upset with me for being upset. But what gets me is the opportunity for them to try something more exists. I didn’t realize they were spending so much time together. Because I have a full time office job, I am not available to spend all day on her days off with them. I get a few hours until my goddaughter needs to go home and go to bed. I know that they have had plans to spend more than one day a week together when she has Tuesdays off too and actually have a few times. She has told me that. I feel betrayed. This is not the first time the ex has started spending a lot of time with one of my dearest friends after we have called it quits.

Am I over reacting? Probably. It’s been a rough few weeks in dealing with this whole breakup thing. This has not made things easier. I apologized for the way I sprung all this on her. I reacted to what she said. I was hurt and totally upset. I walked into the bathroom and cried at work. I was shaking and felt sick. i really did feel awful that I had heaped this on with everything she was going through with not getting the job she wanted. She accepted the apology but has not taken responsibility for her part. I need to find a way to let it go. It’s not helping in the healing process. She has said she won’t talk about him anymore. There is a huge part of me that wants to find the banking job she wants. Then she works on Mondays. And he will only get a night too. It’s awful and spiteful. But it’s the truth. I can say with an absolute certainty that if anything does happen between them, I will not be able to just forgive and forget. That will be the final breaking point.

that point

I have hit that point. The point where the depression and anger take over. It was a hard week last week. I smiled through it and tried to be my ‘normal’ self. But there was a turbulent storm going on behind the scenes. I have been spending Tuesday nights with my…now our…friend and my…now our…goddaughter, and he took Mondays. This week I am not able to see them on Tuesday. It’s happened before, and I ask if there is another day later in the week we can get together and it usually doesn’t work out because of my friend’s work schedule. So I miss out on those weeks. Last week I asked if we could meet on Monday night instead just skipping. I am tired of missing out because there is no other day that works and she usually only has Monday and Tuesday nights off. And the last several weeks, my friend has been spending her Monday and some Tuesday days with him. She is trying to find a new job and has been using his computer since they have the same days off. I get 2 hours at most once a week with them. He gets 8 or 10. I figured at the very least they could get together on Tuesday, but I figured they were going to be together all day on Monday. I was hoping it wouldn’t be a big deal if she left a few hours earlier than normal and met me at an indoor park for an hour or so. She said she would have to ask him. He didn’t like the idea at all. She said he purposely avoided giving her an answer. I didn’t feel like I was asking for too much. He has been spending a lot more time with them than I have. This is something that will come up every now and then and we will both have to compromise. She finally told him she needed an answer and he told her on Saturday that he guessed it would be fine. Since he’s the one who doesn’t want to see me, he needs to be somewhat flexible. I am not going to make this a routine about switching days. I will probably not ask again since it was such a big deal. I invited him to come to the park with us. It feels like he was trying to hurt me. When I called this afternoon to figure out times, guess where they were? Yep….his house. He still got to see her, and a whole lot longer than I did. So what was the big deal?

I have hit that point. The point where I am sick of sharing MY friend and MY goddaughter. It’s irrational. I know that he is the only stable male in my goddaughter’s life. And that they are important to each other. I know that he is a good thing for her. I know that he and my friend and now good friends and that she seeks his advice and guidance when things aren’t going right. I know that I shouldn’t feel this way. But I do. And I don’t know what to do about it. There is a large part of me at this point that is angry at both of them. My friend and I have known each other since the 8^th grade. She met him about 2 years ago. She asked me to be her daughter’s godmother. She didn’t know him at that point. He wasn’t there at her baptism. He doesn’t believe in God. He became her godfather months after he finally agreed to meet them after months of me asking him. I know that the relationship exists and that I can’t ask her to make a choice. I have tried so hard to be ok with it. But right now I am not. I don’t want to have to share them with someone who doesn’t want anything to do with me. I don’t want to have to wonder where she is when I call. I don’t want to hear about all the things they do when they are together. I don’t want to feel like I can’t be a part of their lives because there is a part I have to miss out on. What are we going to do when birthday’s come? Do we have to set up visitations for Christmas? How do we handle events where there is only one event and we should both be there? I am so afraid that I am not going to get asked. I am afraid that I am not as important now that WE are not together.

Our goddaughter went away for the weekend with her grandmother last weekend. She asked him to go see a movie. She didn’t think to ask me if I wanted to do something, I had to call her. I fear that I am losing her as a friend; that I am only around to see our goddaughter. There is a part of me that feels that I should be the one to bow out for a while. She doesn’t need me as much as she needs him. And I don’t want to hear about him. I can’t really talk to my friend about this. Then it becomes her problem. And it’s not. It’s ours…it’s mine. I don’t want to miss out, but I feel like I already am. I am angry because I know that this is a part of grieving. This is a part of figuring things out after ending a relationship that enveloped so much of our lives. I know I should feel this way, but shouldn’t all at the same time. I only have a small group of good friends, and at least 2 of them have become OUR friends. And in the ‘divorce’, I can’t help but feel he gets them both. It’s the grief and anger talking. But it makes me depressed and angry. Why do I have to share what was mine first?

The Last Decade

As I was sitting at my desk this morning, I received an email from a good friend recapping some of her ?firsts? of the decade along with a message remarking how much we all have changed and grown over the last 10 years and thanking us (me and another close friend who all email each other almost daily) for our friendship over those years. It made me really stop and think about the last decade. A lot has happened. I can safely say I am definitely not the same person I was 10 years ago. Life and events have molded and shaped me into a far different person than I would have thought. There have been things best left forgotten, things that should never be forgotten, and thing I will remember for a lifetime. So I took some time and came up with my own list of personal firsts. I would like to share it.
In the last 10 years I have: seen my first (and hopefully LAST) ghost, kept a house plant alive the whole 10 years, gone to Europe, moved away from home, gotten my first real job.
In the last 10 years I have: had my first boyfriend. I didn?t date in high school. I didn?t have time with all the activities I was involved in; but I never felt like I was missing out on anything. So it wasn?t too surprising that I was 18 years old and out of high school when I had my first boyfriend. We lived and went to schools several hours apart. As one could imagine, it didn?t work out. So along with my first boyfriend, I had my first break up. It was heart wrenching at the time, though not heart breaking.
In the last 10 years I have: gone to and graduated from college. Pretty on par for most people my age. But for me and my family, it was a pretty big deal. I was the first person in my immediate family to start and complete college. Not to mention I did it in four years with two majors (one involving a language) and a minor. I didn?t graduate with honors. I probably could have if I had stayed away from theatre, but I enjoyed almost every minute I was there. And my great grandmother can say she has seen her great granddaughter graduate from college (and she literally did, she was at the ceremony). So while it was really not a whole lot in comparison to people my age, I?m pretty proud of this accomplishment.
In the last 10 years I have: gotten my driver?s license. I was 24. I couldn?t afford to pay for the insurance to even have a permit under the age of 18. Once I was 18, I could drive with a licensed driver in the car, and I couldn?t afford a car, so there was always someone else in the car. I had had my permit for 6 years by the time I finally had enough money to buy a car and pay for insurance. I passed my test in less than 5 mins on the 1st try.
In the last 10 years I have: made my first major purchase (well outright purchase). I bought a teal green, ?96 Pontiac Sunfire I named Kermit for $1400. It was a good car that kept me safe and got me where I needed to go. In the end, it needed a new transmission and had no air conditioning. I still miss Kermit some days. However?
In the last 10 years I have: taken out my first car loan. When it became apparent it was going to be very expensive to fix Kermit, I knew I would have to finally find something else. In June of 2009, I took out my first car loan for $12,000 to finance a 2008 Chevy HHR. His name is Capone. I got him 5 days before?
In the last 10 years I have: been laid off from my first real job. Given the state of the economy, it was a matter of when and not if I was laid off. Thanks to unemployment I was able to keep my new car. I was out of work for 2 ? months before I found something new. I am still grateful to my former employer for the opportunity to gain the experience needed to move on to a better position with a new company. I love my new job.
In the last 10 years I have: fallen in love. I wasn?t looking for it, but it was there. It was a gradual. We were friends for 2 ? years. Actually there was a good 4 months we didn?t even speak to one another. But somehow we found our way to each other. It was amazing. I was prepared to leave Minnesota and my family to follow my heart. But it was not meant to be. We have gone our separate ways. We don?t speak. I have finally stopped wondering what might have been. In the last 10 years I have: had my heart broken.
In the last 10 years I have: moved into my own apartment by myself. In true ?me? fashion, it was a beautiful, quaint little place built in 1887. I lived in part of an old row town house. It was perfect for me. I gave it up to buy a house with my boyfriend, and now I live with my mom. Funny how this decade has come full circle in some respects.
Along with the list of firsts, comes a decade of lessons:
Teachers have more to teach then what is in books. I learned more about how to be a good, compassionate person from my professors than academics.
It doesn?t matter how smart you are, there is always more to learn, and in reality, we know less than we think.
Faith must truly be felt in one?s heart to be real.
The hardest decisions we have to make are the ones that help up grow the most
Friendships ebb and flow and sometimes die. And that?s ok; it doesn?t make them any less significant
Love alone is not enough to make a relationship work. No matter how hard you try.