27.5

i have lost 1.5 lbs in the last 2 days!!! i have been trying to get up and walk around more at work and really watching the portions that i eat. part of this wight loss goal isn't just to lose the weight, but to develop healthy eating habits to go along with it. i hate the word diet. everyone at work is always on a 'diet'. the thing that gets me is, everything we eat is our diet. so when we change what we eat for a specific purpose and then go back to doing what we were doing, there is very little chance to keep the weight off. that's one of the reasons i am not just going to join a gym and spend 3 hours a day burning calories. the better idea is to eat healthier calories and less of them and slightly increase activity. then you are changing small things about the way you function and it's easier to keep it going. so i am not just 'going on a diet', i am trying to change it. not that's it's that bad to begin with. while i may not have ever been overly cautious about what i ate, i am at least conscious about it. i may not always chose the veggies over the fries, but i don't eat all of them. when i get hungry between meals i like to munch on carrots. ever since i was little it was one of my favorite snacks. makes me wonder how my eye sight is so bad. and i love broccoli and cauliflower with a little ranch dressing. i prefer these to chips and crackers any day. and then of course i don't eat red meat, and really don't eat a whole lot of chicken either, though i do try and get some form of protein in everyday. also makes me wonder how my cholesterol got so high...thank you parental units for that one. so the long and short is: so far, so good!

29 in 29

i fall in to the obese category in weight. and not 'sort of kind of just over the line'. i am smack dab in the middle. i have tried the whole weight loss thing before and failed. i even went so far as to work out at least 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 7 months. i lost 4 lbs. it was extremely deflating. i didn't have more energy. i lost a size but not really anything noticeable. and i was tired all the time. not really the best experience. but i have decided to challenge myself to something i feel i can do. in one week i will be 29. ironically that's about how far into the obese weight column i am. i have decided to challenge myself to lose 29 lbs in 52 weeks (my 29th year of life).

i am trying to realistic about the goal. one year, 29 lbs. i feel this should be completely doable. i have to be more active. i have to take some of the weight off my knees and ankles. i want to feel better about myself. it would be easy to say i am going to lose the 40 lbs that i really want to lose. but that's a huge feat. 29 seems like a number that is big enough to bring a sense of accomplishment, but not so large that if i slip, i cannot get back on the wagon. this is not going to be easy. i am still living with my mom and with 5 people living here and one small fridge, it's hard to keep the foods that i like and know are healthier around. i have tried to cook more for myself lately so i can control what it going into my food. i actually enjoy eating fresh foods that are good for you. but it's hard when i feel like i am constantly on the go. i will have to be more conscious about bringing my own lunch and not going out. i will have to chose better options when i know i will have to eat on the run. i have significantly cut down on the amount of soda i drink to only 2 or 3 times a week. i try to have water or milk with my meals instead of drinks that contain an enormous amount of sugar. i have been purposely been buying nuts to have on hand if i get hungry between meals for a protein boost instead of a carb boost. i drink a lot more water. so knowing the rules isn't hard. following them will be.

exercise is going to be a major change for me. i really don't do it at all. i like to swim but that costs money. i want to join a gym again, but again it costs money. once the weather is better i can at least jump on my bike and ride more often. for now i will have to start out slow. maybe buying a prepaid card for Edinburgh or Dakotah so i can swim a few times a month but not have to pay the outrageous membership fees. i can walk the dog more. i can walk up and down the stairs here at home for a cheap stair master. i just have to remind myself that every little bit counts.

i will try to keep up postings about how it's going. i need to hold myself accountable if this is something i really want to achieve. and just maybe it will get me to post a few more entries a year :-p.

Lost Love

It’s officially over. I should be more crushed then I am. At least I feel like I should be. But it’s been over for so long, I have done my mourning. That’s not to say I don’t feel badly. I feel terrible. There are still a range of emotions, but they are tame compared to most break ups. Not that I have a lot of experience. Was it entirely his fault? Of course not. Was it entirely my fault? No. There is blame to assign all over the board. We both did things that contributed to the break down. There was a time I would have been happy to spend my life content with who we were. To watch our love grow and flourish. But it is not meant to me. Never was. I admit I did things that truly sealed our fate. I was not support of enough. That is not a pity statement; it’s one of actual fact. I distanced myself. I can be self righteous and say it was to insulate myself from the pain, but I think I had lost interest and just didn't know how to tell him. So I tried to get him to break up with me. Not a good idea for self preservation. Not that I really understood what I was doing at the time. But the signs are there in retrospect. I loved him. In a way I still do. Always will. He holds a piece of my childhood. But I haven’t been in love with him for a long time. We hit a crossroad and we went different directions. We held on to each other to keep at least one thing from changing. And now it’s over. Relationship, friendship…all of it. I mourn for the friendship. We always said we would end it before we lost that. He is not a bad person. These last few months he has gone out of his way to try and make me happy. He will make someone very happy, someday soon I hope, just not me. He hurt me and my response was to put up a wall. This was the inevitable result. And we both were hurt. I feel terrible for causing him anguish.

But this is not a pity post. This is more of a self reflection post. I have come to a place where I must honor what was right and not focus on what was wrong. There were good things. We were best friends. We trusted each other. When we were ‘on’ we complimented each other well. It was a good relationship most of the time. One to learn from and grow from. It’s wasn't perfect, but it was ours and we were happy for a time. A long time.

But there was one thing he said that stopped me in my tracks. He told me I should find my former love. That when I talk about him I speak longingly. That was enough to bring on strange and vivid dreams. I write because I am not sure what to think of the statement or the dreams. I need to process where I can see what I am saying. I long for those days in college when I lived with my friends without a care in the world; expect getting enough studying done to pass my classes. I long for the days when I lived with my best friend and could stay up all night talking about everything and nothing with her. And yes, part of me longs for how it felt to be deeply in love and be love deeply in return. At the time he was the other half I didn't know I was missing. But that was then. Now I am not sure if it’s him, or the feeling I long for. I can honestly say I have never felt like that about anyone. But I am hopeful I will. I would like to be able to say I know what happened between us and why it is no more. But I can’t. I wasn't invited to the break up. I was told about it afterwards by someone else; he didn't want to speak to me anymore because he felt he had screwed things up. We were going to road trip up the east coast together. go where the road led us, camp where the sights were beautiful. I had looked forward to it and he canceled the trip. It hurt, but I didn't yell at him. He said he was trying to protect me from spending money I didn't really have. I had never had anyone try and protect me like that. I was flattered; disappointed, but flattered. But I didn't yell and tell him he was horrible. I didn't react the way he expected me to. I threw in a wrench into his knowledge of who I was. He didn't screw up in the way he thought he had, but didn't get the chance to tell him that. And that was how that ended ‘not with a bang…but a whimper’. It hurt. I was crushed when he wouldn't talk to me. I really thought we meant more to each other than that. But I healed and moved on. I do not wish him ill nor do I pine for him. He’s not the same person he was then, nor am I. I have not known him longer than I have known him. How can you long for someone you don’t even know? Can you?

To be fair and very honest, I never compared them. Neither the men nor the relationships. I am not sure I ever felt as deeply for the ex as I did for the former love, but that doesn't mean I cared any less. They were like ‘apples and screwdrivers’; there were no similarities. There were amazing things about both. I feel in love for different reasons and the things I value in each person are not the same. There were never any conscious comparisons. That would be unfair to both and would dishonor the uniqueness that was each relationship. Now if there was only a way to squish those things into one relationship. That would be a big step in the right direction.

I didn’t want to over analyze. Too late I know. Spending time in Phoenix this last weekend was exactly what I needed to do. Take some time away with someone who knew me intimately and many who didn’t know me at all. To unwind and let my brain settle down. To not think about the last few weeks. And I knew I would be reminded of my former love. And it was good to hear about him. To be reminded that he has moved on. He has a life I know nothing about. And that I don’t know him anymore. It didn’t hurt as much to hear his name. To see pictures of him. To know that one day we will have to be in the same place, and to finally be at peace with that and with him. I will never have the answers I seek. I am not sure he can give them to me himself. But I can recall with a smile for the first time in 6 years memories that have been painful to remember. I can pull out the long forgotten album and remember how good it was to feel so in love. I can try and honor what was good. I haven’t really thought about ‘what might have been’. I still don’t. The road leads where it will lead and if we don’t grab a hold of what we want, it slips away. I wonder about the future and try and learn from the past. A part of me will always belong to him. That doesn’t mean there is nothing left of me or that I long for that part. It belongs with him at that time in that place. It’s safe and undiminished. A reminder of who I was and where I have come. And that makes me smile. To remember a time when I was wild and crazy in love. I can remember what it felt like, so I will know it when I find it again. And hold on a little tighter and fight a little harder for it. I am grateful to that man in that time for that kind of love.

I do not know who is around the next curve or where the path will lead. I face it with excitement. I do not need to find love. I am loved. I am content for now to stop and smell the lilacs and watch the daisy bloom. I have closed the gate on this relationship and am ready to see what’s beyond this place. I am ready to start unpacking the past relationship to see what treasure I had long forgotten about. I admit with all the reminiscing, there is a part of me what would like to see the fire again even if just to feel its warmth for a brief moment. And a part of me that wonders what other sparks might be kindling just up ahead. But then again, that’s the beauty of the future, only she knows.

The Last Decade

As I was sitting at my desk this morning, I received an email from a good friend recapping some of her ?firsts? of the decade along with a message remarking how much we all have changed and grown over the last 10 years and thanking us (me and another close friend who all email each other almost daily) for our friendship over those years. It made me really stop and think about the last decade. A lot has happened. I can safely say I am definitely not the same person I was 10 years ago. Life and events have molded and shaped me into a far different person than I would have thought. There have been things best left forgotten, things that should never be forgotten, and thing I will remember for a lifetime. So I took some time and came up with my own list of personal firsts. I would like to share it.
In the last 10 years I have: seen my first (and hopefully LAST) ghost, kept a house plant alive the whole 10 years, gone to Europe, moved away from home, gotten my first real job.
In the last 10 years I have: had my first boyfriend. I didn?t date in high school. I didn?t have time with all the activities I was involved in; but I never felt like I was missing out on anything. So it wasn?t too surprising that I was 18 years old and out of high school when I had my first boyfriend. We lived and went to schools several hours apart. As one could imagine, it didn?t work out. So along with my first boyfriend, I had my first break up. It was heart wrenching at the time, though not heart breaking.
In the last 10 years I have: gone to and graduated from college. Pretty on par for most people my age. But for me and my family, it was a pretty big deal. I was the first person in my immediate family to start and complete college. Not to mention I did it in four years with two majors (one involving a language) and a minor. I didn?t graduate with honors. I probably could have if I had stayed away from theatre, but I enjoyed almost every minute I was there. And my great grandmother can say she has seen her great granddaughter graduate from college (and she literally did, she was at the ceremony). So while it was really not a whole lot in comparison to people my age, I?m pretty proud of this accomplishment.
In the last 10 years I have: gotten my driver?s license. I was 24. I couldn?t afford to pay for the insurance to even have a permit under the age of 18. Once I was 18, I could drive with a licensed driver in the car, and I couldn?t afford a car, so there was always someone else in the car. I had had my permit for 6 years by the time I finally had enough money to buy a car and pay for insurance. I passed my test in less than 5 mins on the 1st try.
In the last 10 years I have: made my first major purchase (well outright purchase). I bought a teal green, ?96 Pontiac Sunfire I named Kermit for $1400. It was a good car that kept me safe and got me where I needed to go. In the end, it needed a new transmission and had no air conditioning. I still miss Kermit some days. However?
In the last 10 years I have: taken out my first car loan. When it became apparent it was going to be very expensive to fix Kermit, I knew I would have to finally find something else. In June of 2009, I took out my first car loan for $12,000 to finance a 2008 Chevy HHR. His name is Capone. I got him 5 days before?
In the last 10 years I have: been laid off from my first real job. Given the state of the economy, it was a matter of when and not if I was laid off. Thanks to unemployment I was able to keep my new car. I was out of work for 2 ? months before I found something new. I am still grateful to my former employer for the opportunity to gain the experience needed to move on to a better position with a new company. I love my new job.
In the last 10 years I have: fallen in love. I wasn?t looking for it, but it was there. It was a gradual. We were friends for 2 ? years. Actually there was a good 4 months we didn?t even speak to one another. But somehow we found our way to each other. It was amazing. I was prepared to leave Minnesota and my family to follow my heart. But it was not meant to be. We have gone our separate ways. We don?t speak. I have finally stopped wondering what might have been. In the last 10 years I have: had my heart broken.
In the last 10 years I have: moved into my own apartment by myself. In true ?me? fashion, it was a beautiful, quaint little place built in 1887. I lived in part of an old row town house. It was perfect for me. I gave it up to buy a house with my boyfriend, and now I live with my mom. Funny how this decade has come full circle in some respects.
Along with the list of firsts, comes a decade of lessons:
Teachers have more to teach then what is in books. I learned more about how to be a good, compassionate person from my professors than academics.
It doesn?t matter how smart you are, there is always more to learn, and in reality, we know less than we think.
Faith must truly be felt in one?s heart to be real.
The hardest decisions we have to make are the ones that help up grow the most
Friendships ebb and flow and sometimes die. And that?s ok; it doesn?t make them any less significant
Love alone is not enough to make a relationship work. No matter how hard you try.

New Job Bliss

it finally happened this afternoon: i was offered a job! and not just a 'ho hum yeah a job', but a job i am actually excited about. there will be a lot to learn, challenges to overcome, puzzles to figure out...all the things that i enjoy about work. the interview process was a little daunting, so it's nice to see it come to a positive end.

i initially went on an interview at their headquarters in golden valley. while i was there, i was a little ambushed by learning (when the first person i met wasn't the person i had been in contact with) that i would be meeting with 3 separate people. i like to talk and know my abilities pretty well, but this was a little unnerving for my first interview in 4 years. i talked with each person and felt like everything went well. i was happy with expressing my ideas and explaining what i did at my old job. i also feel like i did a good job making it clear that i bear no ill-will towards my former employer, but it was time to move on since waiting for things to pick up could take months. but then again, one never really can tell. they emailed a few days later and asked if i was still interested because they would like me to meet with a few more people and tour their plant in chaska. i had to laugh at the phrase 'if you are still interested'. duh! i am unemployed. the second interview was meeting with 4 more people. for a company of 100 people, i have now met 10% of the work force, and multiple opinions can only work in my favor right?

here is what i have learned about the company as a whole: smaller company, very team feeling; they have not laid off at all in the economy crunch and have been experiencing growth in the last few months; the position is being created and tailored to the specific person they hire; their benefits include company paid dental insurance, a company contribution to a 401K whether i participate or not; profit sharing; family owned since 1902; and an atmosphere that is one that people enjoy working for this company so much, the average employee has been with the company 10+ years. i was very impressed. i am very excited to have the opportunity to work here. did i mention they offered me more than i was making and i still get 2 weeks of vacation? yeah, this has been a great day!

Colds Suck!

Yes I know, that’s not exactly news. But it’s certainly how I am feeling right about now. I am an allergy sufferer. And when those allergies decide to kick my ass, my weakened immune system enjoys inviting the cold virus over for a vacation. And par for the course, I am totally miserable. I am usually on really good allergy meds before everything really takes off, which holds off the cold. This year, being uninsured, I simply cannot afford the $183 for a month’s supply. I have used a ton of home remedies (and have the upset stomach to prove it). I have been cleaning my sinuses again which I haven’t had to do in years. And my head still feels like it’s about to explode. Not to mention this elephant sitting on my chest. My (hopefully!) future employer is going to be shocked when I start work and sound completely different. ‘No this raspy, wheezing voice is not my real voice’. But I am not at the ‘please just let me die’ state yet. God willing I won’t get there.

What’s been even more miserable is I have found myself in the role of Nanny Extraordinaire these last 3 weeks. I have been getting up at o’dark hour to drive out to Shakopee to watch the lovely Miss Allie. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been fun and we have really been enjoying ourselves. But we are both sick. Caring for a sick child is no fun at all, but takes on a whole new set of challenges when you are sick too (oh yeah and when the kid is not yours, and this is not your chosen profession). Allie had RSV when she was 2 months old. As a result, she is more inclined to develop respiratory problems. So when Allie gets sick, she gets really sick. And she just doesn’t understand why we need to hang out at home and rest all day. And she also doesn’t understand why Auntee Mollee wants to hang out at home and sleep. We have reinstituted nap time and she has not been happy with me. She fights me tooth and nail, and then falls asleep within about 10 mins after we lay down. She also falls asleep at about 8:30 at night…which means she is up at 7am! Trying to go back to bed after she is up and all over me wanting me to play is impossible. When she is sick, she tries so hard to be ‘normal’. She cries that she doesn’t want to be sick and then tries to play and do all the things she does every other day, wearing herself out so she end up crying because she is over exhausted. When she was 18 months old, she had pneumonia and I will never forget going over to the house the day she got home from the hospital (she was there for a day and a half). She was so sick and weak, but she was trying so hard to play. She smiled and walked over to her ball and tried to pick it up and bring it to me. She didn’t have enough energy and sat down and cried. Allie is one of those kids who doesn’t ever act like she is sick. Wonder how long that will last once she starts school :-p.

We are trudging along. Hopefully the worst of it was today (my last day of duty for the week of course). We won’t have these days much longer. She is starting preschool and I am hopefully being offered a job this week. So our Allie and Auntee Mollee days are almost over. I just want to spend out last few days having fun together and not laying around being miserable. This will probably never work out where I get so much one on one time again…and by damn it: I want to enjoy it!

Down but not out

Much has happened since my last post. Too much to really include. On the plus side, Allie got her cast off after only 3 weeks. By the time it became annoying, it was gone. On the down side, I am officially unemployed. The economy caught up with us and I got the ax. Does it suck…you bet! Is it the worst experience of my life…not really. Don’t get me wrong, this is no walk in the park, but I am trying to keep a positive attitude. It’s been 2 months since I last went to work. The 1^st 30 days was a ‘furlough’ (a really fancy way of saying we don’t need you right now), but the ‘furlough’ can only last as long as the “employee” is receiving benefits. Once my health care ran out, I became officially laid off. I think this is where I say ‘woohoo’?

The worst part about being laid off is the boredom. The whole no pay check thing isn’t so great either; thank you Uncle Sam for the forethought of unemployment insurance. I started off enjoying having a little bit of time to myself to sleep in, clean the house, and go to Nana’s. That quickly wore off. So I hit the classifieds…all two of them. Everyone is in the same boat. There are two jobs in the paper, and 500 people applying for those positions. So I decided to revamp my resume. Make it new and sharp. That should get me noticed. That should only take a day or two. Yeah, that was last week. I forgot that to make them actually sound interesting you have to put some actual thought into them. The resume I wrote 4 years ago and just kept “updated” I put together in 15 mins. I got a job on the 2^nd shot so I never really worried about how it sounded. I figured 'i used to write all the time, this should be easy.' I have never been at such a loss for words. Describe what you do in as few sentences as possible while trying to make yourself sound competent and interesting. Sure… After a week of staring at the computer (and finding a few really nice ideas on the internet), it’s finally done. Now the applying can start in earnest.

I am still looking at this as an opportunity. With any luck, I am going to give myself a raise this year…or at least not a pay cut. Everyone asks me what I want to do, what am I looking for. Well besides the obvious “ANYTHING!”, I am pretty open. Why not try something new? Manufacturing will be one of the last industries to rebound, so it might be the perfect time to trying a real office position, or work with kids (and get paid!), or even something I haven’t even thought of. I just have to find some nicer clothes as the usual jeans and a t-shirt really isn’t going to cut it.

Even though I am not working, I have been busy. My sister is also unemployed and isn’t getting daycare assistance. So I have been helping out by watching Allie when she does have interviews and what not. We have had some pretty exciting times. We went to the amusement park one day, the pool another, and I took Allie on her first picnic. I found it amusing that she had never been on a picnic. So we made sandwiches and gathered some goodies and went to the park. How often the joy of the simple things can elude us. Allie was so excited to spread a blanket out and set up our lunch. For me the best part, aside from the joy of celebrating this moment with her,was it cost me nothing. It's hard to explain to a 4 1/2 year old that I have to watch what I spend. I used to not worry about how much I was spending on her and our days together. And while I would still give her the moon if she asked, the stars may have to wait. We have been trying to find ways to have fun that doesn't break the bank. The picnic was perfect. Hopefully we can do that again before it gets too cool to enjoy. Of course cool weather means we get to go apple picking...hmm