Overreacting: the Break Up Edition

Continuation of the last post. I got to go and play with my goddaughter and her mother. My sister and Allie came too. We had a good time. I chased my goddaughter and Allie all over the play place. We went down slides, we climbed up platforms. We laughed. It felt good. The girls were exhausted. We determined it was time to go. Allie wanted to ride home with me, so we waited to them to get their stuff and we all walked out to the cars. My friend smiled and said my goddaughter would be asleep in no time. She had had a rough day. She didn't get the job she was hoping for. The one that would allow her more time with her daughter. She said that when she told my ex, he didn’t understand why she was so upset. She was exhausted too.

I talked to her the next day. I was at work and we were texting. I asked her how her day was. I asked her if my goddaughter had indeed fallen asleep on the way home. That was when she said it. ‘yeah she fell asleep, but then she woke back up when we left his house.’ She had left Allie and I and had gone back to his house. She told me they usually watch non-PG movies on Monday nights after my goddaughter falls asleep on his couch. I know she doesn’t go to sleep until close to 10pm. They are literally over there all day, evening, and most of the night on Mondays. That was how I found out exactly how much time they have been spending together. It felt like I had inconvenienced them by asking to have dinner with her. That she had agreed to meet me to humor me. it felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. I had to ask the next question, though I was pretty sure I didn’t want to hear the answer. ‘what is going on between the two of you?’. Her response was to ask me what I was talking about. Really? Was this question really that out of the blue? She has just pretty much told me she is spending one entire day a week with him, and lately he is all she talks about. What was I supposed to think?

Let’s move this away from the actual people in my narrative. Let’s make them hypothetical people. Guy breaks up with girl after dating her for more than 5 years. Within two weeks, he is spending 8-12 hours a week with someone, who is a really good friend of his ex-girl, and the girl’s daughter that he has become like a godfather too. Because of how close both girls were, he became good friends with this girl too. Guy and girl talk everyday on the phone by admission of girl. Girl breaks up with her boyfriend and makes the comment that all she wants right now if sex with no strings attached. Guy has said the same thing on multiple occasions to both girl and ex-girl. Every time the girls get together, all the girl talks about is the guy. Then, ex-girl finds out in casual conversation, that the girl, after spending an evening with the ex-girl, says she needs to get home because of very tired child and instead leaves to go see the guy so they can watch a movie and hang out some more. (not to mention with a sleeping child!) What conclusions do you draw?

I told her I was really upset by how much time they have been spending together. Especially after the big deal she made about me asking to see her a different night. She says it’s only on Mondays and not like it’s more. There is nothing going on, they are just good friends. I told her I think I need to take a break for a while. I just can’t handle sharing right now. She makes a comment about how that would be my choice then and that’s fine if that’s what I want. She is upset with me for being upset. But what gets me is the opportunity for them to try something more exists. I didn’t realize they were spending so much time together. Because I have a full time office job, I am not available to spend all day on her days off with them. I get a few hours until my goddaughter needs to go home and go to bed. I know that they have had plans to spend more than one day a week together when she has Tuesdays off too and actually have a few times. She has told me that. I feel betrayed. This is not the first time the ex has started spending a lot of time with one of my dearest friends after we have called it quits.

Am I over reacting? Probably. It’s been a rough few weeks in dealing with this whole breakup thing. This has not made things easier. I apologized for the way I sprung all this on her. I reacted to what she said. I was hurt and totally upset. I walked into the bathroom and cried at work. I was shaking and felt sick. i really did feel awful that I had heaped this on with everything she was going through with not getting the job she wanted. She accepted the apology but has not taken responsibility for her part. I need to find a way to let it go. It’s not helping in the healing process. She has said she won’t talk about him anymore. There is a huge part of me that wants to find the banking job she wants. Then she works on Mondays. And he will only get a night too. It’s awful and spiteful. But it’s the truth. I can say with an absolute certainty that if anything does happen between them, I will not be able to just forgive and forget. That will be the final breaking point.

that point

I have hit that point. The point where the depression and anger take over. It was a hard week last week. I smiled through it and tried to be my ‘normal’ self. But there was a turbulent storm going on behind the scenes. I have been spending Tuesday nights with my…now our…friend and my…now our…goddaughter, and he took Mondays. This week I am not able to see them on Tuesday. It’s happened before, and I ask if there is another day later in the week we can get together and it usually doesn’t work out because of my friend’s work schedule. So I miss out on those weeks. Last week I asked if we could meet on Monday night instead just skipping. I am tired of missing out because there is no other day that works and she usually only has Monday and Tuesday nights off. And the last several weeks, my friend has been spending her Monday and some Tuesday days with him. She is trying to find a new job and has been using his computer since they have the same days off. I get 2 hours at most once a week with them. He gets 8 or 10. I figured at the very least they could get together on Tuesday, but I figured they were going to be together all day on Monday. I was hoping it wouldn’t be a big deal if she left a few hours earlier than normal and met me at an indoor park for an hour or so. She said she would have to ask him. He didn’t like the idea at all. She said he purposely avoided giving her an answer. I didn’t feel like I was asking for too much. He has been spending a lot more time with them than I have. This is something that will come up every now and then and we will both have to compromise. She finally told him she needed an answer and he told her on Saturday that he guessed it would be fine. Since he’s the one who doesn’t want to see me, he needs to be somewhat flexible. I am not going to make this a routine about switching days. I will probably not ask again since it was such a big deal. I invited him to come to the park with us. It feels like he was trying to hurt me. When I called this afternoon to figure out times, guess where they were? Yep….his house. He still got to see her, and a whole lot longer than I did. So what was the big deal?

I have hit that point. The point where I am sick of sharing MY friend and MY goddaughter. It’s irrational. I know that he is the only stable male in my goddaughter’s life. And that they are important to each other. I know that he is a good thing for her. I know that he and my friend and now good friends and that she seeks his advice and guidance when things aren’t going right. I know that I shouldn’t feel this way. But I do. And I don’t know what to do about it. There is a large part of me at this point that is angry at both of them. My friend and I have known each other since the 8^th grade. She met him about 2 years ago. She asked me to be her daughter’s godmother. She didn’t know him at that point. He wasn’t there at her baptism. He doesn’t believe in God. He became her godfather months after he finally agreed to meet them after months of me asking him. I know that the relationship exists and that I can’t ask her to make a choice. I have tried so hard to be ok with it. But right now I am not. I don’t want to have to share them with someone who doesn’t want anything to do with me. I don’t want to have to wonder where she is when I call. I don’t want to hear about all the things they do when they are together. I don’t want to feel like I can’t be a part of their lives because there is a part I have to miss out on. What are we going to do when birthday’s come? Do we have to set up visitations for Christmas? How do we handle events where there is only one event and we should both be there? I am so afraid that I am not going to get asked. I am afraid that I am not as important now that WE are not together.

Our goddaughter went away for the weekend with her grandmother last weekend. She asked him to go see a movie. She didn’t think to ask me if I wanted to do something, I had to call her. I fear that I am losing her as a friend; that I am only around to see our goddaughter. There is a part of me that feels that I should be the one to bow out for a while. She doesn’t need me as much as she needs him. And I don’t want to hear about him. I can’t really talk to my friend about this. Then it becomes her problem. And it’s not. It’s ours…it’s mine. I don’t want to miss out, but I feel like I already am. I am angry because I know that this is a part of grieving. This is a part of figuring things out after ending a relationship that enveloped so much of our lives. I know I should feel this way, but shouldn’t all at the same time. I only have a small group of good friends, and at least 2 of them have become OUR friends. And in the ‘divorce’, I can’t help but feel he gets them both. It’s the grief and anger talking. But it makes me depressed and angry. Why do I have to share what was mine first?

MGK Mondays

This week has so far been a lot better than last. Though I did reinjure my ankle slightly. It was still a pretty good Monday. At work at least J So to continue the MGK Monday thoughts, here another good one from Cubeland.

Background: Fransico and his wife bought a house a little over a month ago. They are still fixing it up before they move in and are temporarily living with her parents. Gina is his mother in law and she is a stay at home wife who loves to have 2 other people to bustle about.

Diana: What are you eating Fransico?

Fransico: my breakfast. Gina made blueberry-strawberry-raspberry smoothies and egg sandwiches this morning.

Diana: so are you going to get up early and make yourself breakfast when you move into your new house, or is your wife?

Fransico: neither of us. We won’t eat breakfast. We will just to go work hungry and crabby. I’m not getting up any earlier and my wife doesn’t cook.

Diana: so what did you do for breakfast before you moved in with Gina?

Fransico: I don’t remember.

Fransico is a very easy going guy who is very funny. But that might all change once they move now that he’s been spoiled for breakfast.

MGK Monday

Today is a Monday is all it's glory. I don't feel like trying to appreciate this one in the least, however.

This morning, I completely forgot about a lab appt until just before I was supposed to be there. I was able to call and reschedule for an hour later. It gave me some time to pay bills so I am not going to look that gift horse in the mouth. I was leaving for the Dr.'s when my ankle went out on me. Thanks to an old soccer injury, my left ankle is very weak and the nerves are not where they are supposed to be. Every now and then it just 'goes out' aka. the nerve impulse is interrupted and I roll it. my biggest fear has always been this would happen when I was going down stairs. This morning fate was against me. I not only rolled it while stepping down a stair, after the loud distracting pop and flash of pain, I actually fell down the next 4 stairs on my knee. I crawled back up the 6 stairs and laid on the landing to put my ankle up until it stopped throbbing enough to crawl up the rest of the stairs to grab and ACE (thank you makers of ACE bandages...I could not live...errr walk without you somedays). Needless to write, i was 10 mins late to the rescheduled appt. And because of the blood draw, I couldn't take any Advil until AFTER the appt. Those 40 mins felt like days. My ankle and I are still not on speaking terms yet. It's been very slow moving.

I hate Mondays.

5 lbs down, 24 to go

i admit i might have cheated a bit this week. i am designing lights for a show an hour away which has left little time for things like eating. I did fast food one night...and it was gross. i packed a lunch and dinner the other nights, but i am lucky if i find time for either. but at least i am able to control the contents if each. i am sure at least a lbs is purely from not eating. i have been more active though. climbing stairs, lifting set pieces, painting like a mad woman, focusing really hot lights...not to mention my new office in Chaska is ready (that means lots of stairs). when i get home at 11pm i have tried to fit in a few sit ups and push ups while i am checking emails. it's been a long week, and i am exhausted. something tells me that is not as good for me.

on the plus side, tonight i discovered that vitamin 10 water is made with stevia and not the other fake sugars. my digestive system is not a fan of artificial sweeteners. i tend to get stomach cramps that make me feel physically sick. i have really tried to avoid them most of my adult life since making that correlation. but stevia doesn't seem to be as bad. i have discovered a low sugar drink that doesn't make me feel ill. what a great way to cut a little more calories out. i have tried to take the other route and just cut out sweet things. which is really ok since i crave salt instead of sugar. my blood pressure has always been pretty spot on so i never worried too much. this last physical it was a little high. yet another reason to shed the lbs.

its getting warmer (yea!) so hopefully i can get the bike out soon. as much as the ex doesn't think so, i really like riding (just not like a kamikaze pilot). nice and relaxing. it's the little things that should add up right? maybe i will get lucky and find a place to live that will leave me with enough money to get a gym membership that has a pool. i miss swimming.

the important thing is, while the scale teetered between a 1/2 lbs here and there this week, i have still made progress! yea for progress!

Old Posts

i was going through my word files, and found several posts that never made it to the blog. time to clean them up.

Whirl wind

Saturday, August 22, 2009 was a great day to be a Lutheran. I have thought for a while about how I wanted to address the ELCA vote. And I wanted to address it. I thought about being diplomatic and happy but more reserved. But in all honesty, I was ecstatic when the news broke with the results of the vote. Not because the ‘liberals’ won, or the ‘conservatives’ lost, but because I feel that it’s a step that truly opens the doors to all people. As a faithful Christian, I don’t believe God discriminates. And denying someone the ability to be ordained based solely on whom they love has never fit with my understanding of who God is and what God wants for his people. It flies in the face of unity to simply say you can have the passion but not the platform. I have friends in the ministry, who are every bit as qualified as my own pastors, who are not able to be called to their own congregation even if the congregation wants them there. If God himself has called someone who is homosexual to share his word and teach others, then who are we to tell God he is wrong. One of my dearest friends is gay (a Catholic gay). He looked at me one day after a particularly harsh discussion in one of our high school religious classes and said “why would I choose to be gay? Why would I choose to be judged and ostracized because I don’t find the opposite sex attractive? There is no way I would choose to live that way, it just is.” I didn’t have an answer for him. Ironically, none of those who were against homosexuality in the class had an answer either when I brought it up the next day.

I have major issues with people who are homophobic. Why do we as a society place so much emphasis on whom one has sex with? It’s fine for a man to have multiple partners. It’s horrible for women to talk about how many they have had. And if you are a homosexual (even those who have only had one partner) get the lowest rung of the totem pole. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. I think it’s disgusting to listen to people talk about all the people they have ‘been’ within the first place. How rude to those people. But for some, to listen to a gay man talk about how much he loves his boyfriend, or a woman talk about how wonderful her relationship is with her partner bring more than feelings of disgust. If someone is happy, in a healthy relationship based on trust and respect, then who is anyone else to judge?

The argument ‘it debases the sanctity of marriage’ is preposterous. When there are people who marry other people for money, sex, and trophy status…not to mention inebriated people in Vegas, and then get divorced just a few hours/days/months later are debasing the ‘sanctity of marriage’. And who is anyone else to decide what relationships are sacred? I am sure Brittany Spear’s marriages were wonderfully sacred. And don’t even get me started on those who say that because homosexuals can’t bear children, it makes their marriage less sacred. What about those straight people who choose to never have children? Theirs is better because they can? Shouldn’t be we applauding the homosexuals who have reached out to adopt children who are obviously unwanted by someone?

Narrow minded people piss me off!

Monday

Does one really need to add anything after that word. They are terrible. I was planning to start posting some of the funny antics of my co-workers and call it MGK Mondays as a way to make them more interesting. My co workers say some hilarious things. What a great way to look at Mondays...all the things I would miss if I weren't at work. But after this mornings commute, there was nothing that was making today light hearted. I am a cautious driver. I really like my car...and more importantly, it has a lean against it, so it technically belongs to the bank until I pay it off. I really don't want to total it because I can't afford to buy another one. Not to mention the guilt I would feel if I hurt someone. That being said, this morning was horrendous. I left the house early knowing I would be late no matter what I did. So there was no need to rush. I planned on taking it nice and slow. Well, trying to go north bound on 169 was not an option this morning. It was so backed up, traffic was solid right through the light where I get into the lane to get on the highway. I watched one guy try to cut in and slide into the ditch on the other side. So I decided to go to the next exit south (Canterbury Rd about 2 miles down the road) and turn around and go north. Yeah that was not happening either. That was just as backed up. I decided I would head to the Chaska plant instead and wait out the traffic. I got between Canterbury and the next exit (another mile down the road) when a BMW SUV came flying up behind me and almost clipped my tail to get into the other lane since I wasn't going fast enough for him. I had to slow down so he didn't slide into me as he went around me. (And yes I had visual confirmation it was indeed a male. I am not being sexist.) That's when I realized it was pure ice under the snow. Now I like roller coasters, but this is one I never wish to ride again. Growing up in Minnesota, one is always told to turn into the spin and not out, and tap your breaks even if you have ABS. Probably the only things that kept me from hurting my car, and/or someone else. I did a 360 spin out and ended up off the side of the road. Thankfully I slid off the right and not the left. No ditch on the right. I still got pretty stuck, but at least my car was alright...and so was I. Aside from being completely pissed and shaking. Another good thing about learning to drive in this state...I knew how to get out: pack the snow around the tire so it had something to turn against. Still took me 30 mins to get it all packed in, all the while soaking my shoes, socks, and pants. I waited until there was a significant break in traffic before attempting to get back on the road. The next person behind me was 500 feet back when I got back on. The person 'behind' me decided to switch lanes and not slow down, even though all they had to do was take their foot off the gas pedal. Always fun to watch someone try to stop and realize they can't. 'He' started to spin out, and 'she' was not slowing down. I punched the gas the best I could to get my car to move ahead as fast as possible so this car wouldn't hit me. Too close for comfort. The car stopped spinning about 5 feet from my back bumper. This was the point I decided I was not going to attempt to drive to Chaska on the frozen river that was 169. I turned around at the next exit (which was only a few yards in front of me at this point) and attempt to go home and wait it out and try again a little later. 169 north was in much better shape (more people to trample the snow down) and even though I was only going 5 mph, at least we were making progress. So I kept going. 2 1/2 hours later I finally made it to work. I saw 12 people in the ditch on my 3 south and then 3 miles north on 169 this morning. I was one of them. I was lucky there was no one around to hit, and that I didn't do any damage. Not an experience I ever care to have again.

So there were no funny anecdotes from work today. I am sure the people around me were saying amusing things, I just wasn't paying attention. I spent the whole day exhausted from crashing after the endorphin rush that was my morning commute, and shaking for hours. It was intense. If I hadn't been on vacation for part of last week and didn't have 200 emails still to go through, I would have gone home and crawled back into bed and not moved. If I had access to my email, or a company laptop to sign in from at home, I would never have attempted it. Tomorrow I have to be in Chaska for a meeting at 9:15. If the drive is anywhere near as hazardous, I will not attempt it. I like my job, but I like not hyperventilating in my car far more.